So, here are the teams remaining. Who would win if rather than being teams these actually WERE what you were fielding? As in, if the team name was your actual army.
For example:
giants vs. eagles? I would presume giants could clobber eagles, who except for the power of flight couldn’t do much to a giant.
panthers vs. cardinals? a vicious cat vs. a pretty bird? no contest.
ravens vs. titans? We’re back to behemoths against birds again. I have to think a titan could make short work of a bird.
chargers vs. steelers? This one’s tough because both teams are vague. Chargers seems to, by branding and nicknames, apply to electricity and lightning bolts (as opposed to, say, goats). Steelers can only seem to be people who work in the steel industry. I would think lightning bolts could do in someone working around a bunch of metal.
Then our semi-finals would be panthers fighting giants and titans facing chargers.
I think a giant could probably handle a cat, but not being electrocuted.
So the championship is Giants - Chargers, with the bolts ultimately winning?
Well, there are only three teams that can be considered to have supernatural powers - Giants, Titans, and Chargers (if we take their thunderbolt inspiration rather than horses or goats - their lightening bolt symbol supports this interpretation). So this puts the Giants safely in the Super Bowl.
The Titans/Chargers game is more interesting, especially if we consider the fate of the mythological Titans - defeated by thunderbolt-wielding Zeus (with help from the Gigantes, or Giants - they are not allowed to assist in this matchup which might provide the Titans with a fighting chance).
So, a Giants (Gigantes) vs. Chargers (Zeus) Super Bowl. From our mythology we know that the Olympians eventually defeated the Gigantes. However, the prophecy was that the Giantes could not be defeated without Heracles assistance, and I don’t believe he is on this years Chargers roster. Thus, your Super Bowl champions are the New York Gigantes.
If we don’t accept the Chargers as any more than natural lightening (not God-wielded) then the Titans we clearly prevail in that Conference Championship. The Super Bowl is a bit tricky, as we have evidence of the Olympians defeating both the Titans (with the help of the Gigantes) and the Gigantes themselves (with the help of Heracles) but no evidence of a direct Titans v. Gigantes matchup. I would have to bet on the Titans, though.
This reminds me of the “What’s Happening” TV episode (from the '70s) when Rerun has a remarkable run of “luck” with his NFL wagering venture. He describes a ridiculously complicated mathematical scheme for determining the final score of any game, but when asked how he knows the winner of any contest, he states very matter-of-factly, “The team with the better looking helmets!”.
The 80s sitcom Perfect Strangers also had a football betting episode where “wacky” Balki Bartokomous consistently picked winners with this avatar-esque systems. The writing was full of “jokes” like Balki picking the Bills over the Chargers, because you can keep charging, but eventually you have to pay your bills. Blegh.
The Saints versus the Titans is a tricky one. Someone might guess that a bunch of ancient gods could easily beat a bunch of good-deed doing churchgoers but that isn’t the case. The Saints have access to the real God and he gets really pissed off at alternate gods in general. That is enough for him to get all Old Testament on the game.
Well, let’s say we had a battle royal. Guess it would help to put the teams in categories…I’m doing this from memory but I don’t think I missed any teams.
Individuals
Buffalo Bills
New England Patriots
Pittsburgh Steelers
Houston Texans
Oakland Raiders
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers
Minnesota Vikings
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
San Francisco 49ers
mythical/spiritual thingies
Tennessee Titans
New York Giants
New Orleans Saints
boids
Baltimore Ravens
Philadelphia Eagles
Atlanta Falcons
Seattle Seahawks
Arizona Cardinals
kitties
Cincinnati Bengals
Jacksonville Jaguars
Detroit Lions
Carolina Panthers
Other animals
Miami Dolphins
Indianapolis Colts
Denver Broncos
Chicago Bears
St. Louis Rams
Misc. or ???
New York Jets
Cleveland Browns
San Diego Chargers
According to this site, the reasons given for the choice of the Chargers name from the many contest submissions include the fact that “the club’s new stationary [sic] featured a horse”. OTOH, Les Land, the franchise’s former business manager, is quoted here that “Barron Hilton selected it because he liked the USC cheer of ‘CHARGE’, and was influenced to some extent by his friend Tom Eddy, who was a graduate of USC.” So the real mascot might possibly be a warhorse, or a rampaging Trojan warrior.
No way to tell for sure what the submitter intended, of course, and the lightning bolt seems to have been part of their logo since the start of the franchise.
Well, if that’s the case then they’re right screwed, because no way does a warhorse or a Trojan defeat the Titans. So it all hinges on the Giants v. Titans match-up.
To address the Saints - seeing as how the majority were martyrs and not particular known for their martial prowess I’m not sure how they get lumped in with supernatural ass-kickers like the Titans and Giants. In fact, we have some pretty solid historical evidence of how a Saints vs. Lions match-up would go - the Lions win every time
“saints” was actually the only one I struggled with, whether to put them in the mere mortals or the mythical figures column. I figured either way I’d irk somebody somewhere
But yes, Saints vs. Lions is a historically bad match-up.
I once knew a guy who was from New Orleans originally, but worked for New Jersey’s hockey team. That’s right… he rooted for the Saints but was paid by the Devils
Well as a lifelong Chargers fan, I can tell you that the “war horse” connotation of “Charger” is rarely discussed, and has never been a part of the uniform or helmet, but is definitely occasionally featured in the logo as seen here.
Having said that, since the lightning bolt itself is usually considered our mascot (as evidenced by the totally unofficial yet omnipresent Boltman!), and since I prefer the outcome whereby we win this particular scenario, I think we should all just go ahead and run with the Zeus’ Thunderbolt interpretation.
