Thank you.
Of course - and someone with a chemical imbalance causing their depression isn’t going to talk themselves out of it. But the whole “diabetes v. depression” thing and "we don’t expect a diabetic to talk to anyone - is ridiculous. Type II diabetics ARE expected to talk to people and to modify their behavior.
Assuming they really exist and aren’t made up as an excuse to post a bunch of self-pitying attention whoring threads.
It’s always a pattern.
1.) Mookie posts a “I’m depressed but I refuse to do anything about it!” thread.
2.) Mookie disappears.
3.) Pity-partiers jump in with the “Get help!” songs even though it’s obvious that he won’t listen to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet, he just likes posting their drama and stir everyone in a tizzy.
As a person who has depression and an anxiety disorder and is currently not on meds (but would like to be) I don’t have any sympathy for him. He just likes to stir up the mud and doesn’t plan on doing anything about it. It’s people like him who refuse the help but rather just sit back and complain about how emo they are who make me embarrassed to reveal that I have depression, lest I be lumped in with people like him.
It’s one thing to post the problem, respond to posts from other people, and try to take possible advice and better your own situation. If that was to happen and he failed, then I would genuinely feel sorry for him. It’s another thing to run into a room, cry “Wahhh my life is terrible but I’m not going to listen to anyone!” and then run out.
You can be depressed but still appreciate and accept help from others.
This is kind of what it looked like to me. No offense to the OP if he really is depressed. I’ve struggled with depression all my life and it sucks. But generally if I do talk to others about it, even on a BB, I enter into dialogue with them. The least he could do is come back to the thread and tell everyone to “f-ck off, you have no idea what you’re talking about!”… or something.
Maybe he’s one of those Yale students who used to write to Ann Landers?
Not always. Sometimes the depression can be so bad that help has to come against your will.
Depression is unique among diseases because it hijacks the skills necessary to defeat itself. It’s like a computer virus that attacks all the methods users us to defeat viruses, such as anti-virus programs, internet search engines, and the ability to install new programs.
Depression takes things a step further than simply attacking someone’s ability to fight depression; it also makes one mistrust the methods used to fight it. The result is that someone won’t seek treatment because their depression makes them feel that there is nothing they can do that will help. The way they feel is reality, and all solutions are just self-delusions. This can naturally lead to self-pity behavior that Mookie frequently engages in. Because Mookie feels his problems are beyond hope, all he can do is seek sympathy from others because of his adverse situation.
Self-pity is looked down upon because it doesn’t help anyone deal with their problems. However, if Mookie’s situation were beyond hope, the self-pity would be justified.
In the case of depression, we have a situation where the depressed person honesty believes his situation is beyond hope, but all the healthy people know that it isn’t. This often results in confusion when a depressed person seeks help in the form of self-pity and is met with derisive criticism. The criticizer thinks the depressed person knows his problems are surmountable, so he feels justified in blaming the depressed for not dealing with his problems. But the depressed person believes his problems are beyond hope and thinks the criticizer doesn’t understand the situation.
Everything turns on whether the person engaging in self-pity knows that his problems can be dealt with. If he does, then he’s being a dick by engaging in self-pity and avoiding his problems. But in the case of depression, the person honestly believes he’s beyond hope and is engaging in counterproductive self-pity behavior in good faith.
While it’s true to say (like BigT does) that depression causes self-pity, it’s also true that self-pity prevents someone from overcoming his depression.
Therefore, I think the best solution is to understand that someone depressed isn’t being an asshole by engaging in self-pity, but also not to let him continue. This approach often very challenging, and I consider it the hallmark of good therapy.
I agree with you, but we have to remember that we are writing in a public forum, where others like mookie might be lurking. Perhaps they are in denial about what they are going through, and reading the pathetic OP and the subsequent helpful responses will get their butts moving to do something.
Hope you can get some help too. People like to say “life is too short…”, but IMHO, life is just plain too long to be in pain.
Mookie****, I’ve been through spells of being seriously depressed myself, however it was the fear** of ending up like one of those pity party people, and actually becoming** how I felt that kept me going to work, going to school, showering, seeing my friends, and eventually I moved on (it was the loss of someone that made me feel that way…so I suppose it was slightly different from depression caused by a chemical imbalance, but I still felt awful and was thinking of ways to off myself).
My mother however, is someone who does have depression caused by a chemical imbalance and she has become a self fulfilling prophecy, alienating much of her friends and family. It’s the same as with you, I keep telling her to try to make some friends, to stop harping on her divorce, to understand the difference between what’s appropriate to tell your therapist and what’s appropriate to tell your friends, and she just doesn’t get it. Her own parents won’t have her to their house anymore because of the way she behaves, and I can only stay for 1-2 days now. She’s fine on the phone for whatever reason, so I do talk to her a lot, as do her parents.
So my point is Mookie, you just have to keep living your life, and sometimes to do that it’s necessary to get medical help and correct whatever imbalance is going on in your brain. The chemicals in your brain are not something you can control (aside from meds), but you can**control whether or not you get out and socialize with people. I read your thread about not getting laid. I’m a 21 year old, perfectly normal looking girl, however I’ve only had sex maybe 3 times with 2 different guys, 4 years apart, since the time I was 16. I’ve had a friend mock me for it, but I really don’t think it’s a big deal…the difference between me and her was, I’m not into the whole one night stand thing, and I’m too busy for a boyfriend. That does not make my life meaningless though, and the reason why I shower and go out and meet people is because I have a job, I have friends, I have interests…I try to look decent even to go to the bank or grocery store, because even in NYC I feel like I inevitably run into someone.
So what you have to realize is, people are not judging you on things like “getting laid” or not, if you’re a genuinely nice and friendly guy, people will focus on that, not superficial crap. It’s easier said than done, and there are asshole out there, but just call them out on it and either forget them or accept their apology (you have to realize that some people seriously don’t realize how they come across, that it’s not personal).
For anyone who may be interested
An online self hep resources : Moodgym - Learn cognitive behaviour therapy skills
for preventing and coping with depression http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
Free
Anonymous
Available 24 hours a day
Also: e-couch - online program for preventing and coping with depression, generalised anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder (and like MoodGYM it’s free!). Updated program
If mookie was interested in helping himself, there would be dozens of Dopers (including me) willing to help him. If he won’t help himself, there isn’t a damned thing we can do.
One more time, just because maybe it takes 1,001 times to sink in, rather than 1,000 - you’re not worthless, mookie, and you’d probably feel a lot better if you took a proper course of medication for severe depression and learned some better thinking skills (also know as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - CBT). Your thoughts are very negative and inaccurate right now, but they don’t have to stay that way.
That’s such a load of bullshit. I’ve been a nice guy my whole life and all people have done is shit on me.
How do you feel people have been treating you in this thread?
Kevin, you are such a disease!
Well make up your mind, which are you? A nice guy who gets shit on, or a piece of shit?
Not every therapist is equal. If you aren’t getting anything from the one you’re seeing now, get a second opinion. Also, if you weren’t aware, there are several personality disorders where a CLASSIC hallmark is thinking that there is nothing wrong with oneself. Thinking that you don’t have a problem, but being in therapy, does not make any sense. Either you do have a problem, or you don’t belong in therapy.
FTR you sound pretty fucking depressed to me. So continue the therapy, but find someone who will actually be helpful.
This response is mainly for other readers who may be suffering from similar symptoms, as the OP seems to enjoy his “pity parties” a bit too much, methinks 
I’m reasonably sure I am clinically depressed, but I’m one of those proud/stoic/idiotic (take your pick, fill in the blank) types that A) distrusts the medical community and sees them as a bunch of BS artists/snake oil salesmen (even though they’re not, it’s just my cynical mindset) and B) is deeply cynical about anything and everything, and C) sees emotional expression (well, aside from anger, that is) as a sign of weakness (why yes, I’m a Vulcan, thanks for asking ) I know how the OP feels, and have felt the same way many times, when you’re that far “down the hole”, you don’t think you’ll ever get out, and it can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy
It also doesn’t help that I’m a stoic New Englander and my default response is to ignore it/power through it, anything less would be a sign of “weakness”…
first off, some quick bullet points;
1; I know I’m not worthless, even if at times I can’t convince myself of that fact, my family is a source of support (that I’m too proud to take advantage of…)
2; I’ve been blessed/cursed with an analytical mindset, I have this innate desire to know how and why something works, I call it the “Technician Syndrome”
3; that mindset makes me immune to “the opiate of the masses” and I see through it, see it for the sham it is, nothing more than mind control at it’s core, so religion would not help me
4; I’m happier when I’m actually doing things, like work, surfing the web, and keeping my mind away from depressing thoughts/self-pity
Here’s what I find works;
Find a hobby, one that you can throw yourself into full-hog, something that engages your mind, something that makes you lose all track of time when you get in “the zone”…
For me, that hobby is the shooting sports (punchin’ paper, and shotgun sports) and reloading
When I’m at the range, chasing that elusive “one shot group”, it allows my mind to go into full-on analytical mode, judging the wind, benchrest position, gun hold, bullet drop, and a whole bunch of other variables, seeing a “One Shot group” develop on my target paper 50 to 100 yards away, as I shoot through my five shot group is a thrill and test of skill, with every round I fire, I’m hoping I have the crosshairs aligned perfectly, will the wind kick up as I pull the trigger and the firing pin hits the primer, knocking the bullet off course, will this shot aim true, or will it be a “flyer”, wrecking the group?, if so, how can I prevent it on the next group of five? would I get better results with a different hold on the gun/a different ammo/am I just having an off day?
As you can see, plenty of data for my analytical mind to assimilate…
When I’m at the trap range, shooting with a bunch of other shooters, first, there’s the camaraderie of a group of shooters having fun turning 4" clay frisbees to dust and cheering each other on or ribbing on each other for a miss, when it’s my turn to shoot though, it’s just me and the shotgun, I call for the target, it’s tossed airborne, what way will it fly, how far ahead should I lead the target, will the wind toss it around, randomizing it’s flight path, should I be in a different stance?
As again, plenty of data to analyze, and when it all comes together and the clay dissapears in a puff of orange smoke, lets just say it’s satisfying
After a good day at the range, i feel happy and relaxed for the rest of the day, especially if I have a few succesful One Holers to brag about, or have shot in the high twenties on the trap range, it’s one of the few things I really look forward to all week, a good day at the range, punchin’ paper or dusting clays (sometimes both)
And my analytical mind loves reloading too, first, I’m recycling my used brass, and actually building something, using precision equipment and measures, and getting to “play” with explosives, and lets be honest, things that go boom, in safe, controlled environments are fun
Sorry to go so far off tangent, but I found that getting into a hobby, any hobby, be it sport shooting, fishing, biking, photography, video gaming, whatever, something that allows you to distract your mind from how much life “sucks” tends to help, I find sport shooting to work for me, because the only person I’m trying to “impress” is me, I’m trying to get a little better on each trip to the range, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, whatever happens, happens, and even a bad day at the range is better than sitting at home, moping and wallowing in my own self-pity/loathing
Obviously not all of the “medical community” are “a bunch of BS artists/snake oil salesmen.” The question is what is the relative abundance of quacks verses the real deal. In my experience the psychology/psychiatry community has, relative to other professions, the following traits:
- A greater than average proportion of charlatans/incompetents
- A greater than average proportion of good-will
You may have to do a little hunting. It’s unfortunate that finding a good doctor (the field does indeed attract many brilliant people) involves a lot of luck. There are some things you can do to reduce some of the uncertainty, such as requiring that they be board-certified, looking for someone who specializes in your problem, or getting a referral from a competent you trust (things that immediately come to mind might be: your physician, an organization specializing in your problem, your insurance company, a certification board, or more drastically asking someone at your local VA or university medical facility, etc). In any case some luck is involved, and you may have to travel some, and you may have to pay a premium, and you may have to wait for an appointment. Don’t let this discourage you, because there are some really bright, well-educated, competent people out there that can help you.
So are Type Is, but in their case, the modification involves insulin. Some kinds of depression, and some people with depression, can get better without medication; in other cases, all the therapy in the world can’t fix the chemical problem that’s the root cause - it can and does help once the chemical problem is being treated, but the chemical treatment is required.
Which one is the case here is not something which can be determined by those of us reading from hundreds or thousands of miles away.
The specific examples of your behaviors that you’ve given aren’t “a nice guy”, they’re “a guy asking people to treat him like shit”. You need help figuring out what a nice guy really is.
People ‘get shit on’ all the time. The difference between you and someone who is mentally healthy is that the mentally healthy person has the ability to shrug it off and carry on with their life.
I just had another appointment today.
The doctor might be dropping me as a client because I’m such a worthless shit that he doesn’t know what to do with me.
It’s things like this happening all the fucking time that make me not believe people when they tell me I’m alright and I’ll get better.
…
And what actually happened?