**
[Parental Bragging Mode]
I have three kids; ages 12, 11 and 4. Three times in the course of their lives, when we have been out at a restaurant, someone has come over to our table and commented on how well-behaved our children are, in comparison to the wild hooligans running amok throwing food.
Just a few months ago, while walking through a drug store, a woman was in the aisle. She saw my 4 year old son and me coming, and kindly stepped back to let us pass. Son was a few paces ahead of me, and as he passed her he said, “Excuse me.” The woman was so shocked she just stared at him, but then came and complimented me.
Thank you!
[/Parental Bragging Mode]
My kids know how to behave when they are in public. They know they must sit in their seat and act accordingly and say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” or they will not get to go the next time. They’re not little automatons, rather, they have been taught good manners. It’s quite easy.
**
Well, at least you had the sense to tell them. I had a friend whose parents bugged her to no end to have kids. Even other friends (me included) would occasionally ask when or if they were having kids. She would always have some sort of non-committal reply (“Oh, we’ll see”), and it wasn’t till years later she finally blew up and announced that she and her hubby had never wanted kids and she wished people would leave them alone about it. Geez, grow up and tell people the truth.
**
**
Yep, 31, I think you know your own mind. But for someone who is 20 or so, and thinks they don’t want kids, I would say hold off on the vasectomy/tube tying for a few years. You could change your mind.
I know exactly how he feels. I love my kids dearly, and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but I sometimes wonder what my life would be like without them.
As for all of you who don’t want kids? That’s just fine. At least you’re not having them because you were pressured into having them, or because you’re “supposed” to. More power to you!
Sorry for rambling.
I’ve wondered about this. I see some children who are very well-behaved in public, though I find a majority to not be. I always feel that I should compliment the parents of those who know how to behave, but parents are a twitchy bunch, so I don’t. You don’t seem to mind a compliment on it, Kinsey, but do other parents?
Good thread. I wish I saw it sooner. This is going to be a bit of a ramble/rant, so please bear with me…
I guess I see both sides right now. In no way do I/we want kids now, but, who knows 8 or so years from now. That is the only thing holding me back from getting a vasectomy now. Heck, my wife and I for that matter are still quite young (she is 25, I am 28) so I think we still have the benifit of time. We have been pretty lucky and not hounded by anyone yet if we’re going to have kids.
<ramble mode>
The closest it came to was a friend of the family (a real genius) asked if we were going to have kids. When we said
"no, at least not yet"
The lady quipped,
i]“Oh, have one. You’ll change your mind once you have one. You’ll love them!*”.
I said “So, if you knew someone who didn’t like dogs, would you recomend they get a dog?”
“No…”
“Then why in the hell would you recomend that they have a child??”
</ramble mode>
Kids are stupid. They’re born that way. Until the parent(s) have the time, energy and finances to educate and mold the child into a polite, educated asset to society, I don’t think anyone should have them. Personally, we will wait at least wait until the house is paid off (4 years or so, but we will almost certainly wait longer) something I wish more people would do.
<ramble mode #2>
It breaks my heart when I see parents with 4 kids dressed in rags and runny noses. I believe that the odds are soooo stacked against them. It is going to be that much harder for them to succeed inlife because IMHO their parents shouldn’t have had them, at least not yet. Dammit people, use some birth control or something.
I can take kids for a limited amount of time, and then I have to retreat. I don’t think this makes me selfish, or self-centered or anything because I need my quiet time- it just makes me an introvert.
Additionally, I believe there are way too many people on the planet. I don’t hold with ‘well, if you can afford them, have as many as you want!’ Rich Americans use up a lot more resources than just about anyone else. Just because you can, IOW, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
Another reason is that I feel pretty fulfilled, to the point where I don’t think I’m going to live long enough to do all the things I want to do as it is! I just got married last year, and I feel like I want to spend my life getting to know this person. Sometimes I wonder if Deep Down people have kids for no other reason than sheer boredom.
Mr.Mielikki is a different animal. He dislikes children and has never wanted any. I didn’t know for certain 'til I was 30. Our first date was 3 days before I was due to have my tubes tied, and I was very hesitant to bring it up but decided I may as well, since I didn’t know if he was wanting to be a daddy someday and I was going to be in surgery soon! When I did tell him, he got this look of incredulous relief on his face.
If I had Ye Olde Magic Wande I’d wish that it was a lot more acceptible to say you weren’t having kids, without worrying about if people will think you’re selfish or immature or whatever.
I agree that noisy kids in restaurants and movies suck. Polite ones are fine, but parents of the most obnoxious kids always have excuses like ‘well he’s just being a kid!’ or whatever. That’s great, but that doesn’t mean I and other patrons should have to put up with it. There is a good article describing this here. http://www.theithacajournal.com/news/stories/20010516/opinion/576902.html Basically, I don’t think the only ‘adult’ places should just me the inside of my house and porn theaters.
All right, stofsky, I’m going to take the high road here and clarify my statement, even though I think, taken in context with the whole of my first post, it should have been already apparent.
I enjoy encountering well-behaved children. They are, unfortunately, few and far between. Many parents seem to feel that they should inflict their misbehaved brats on the public at large however, particularly in settings that are generally reserved for adults and older children, such as nice restaurants and mature films.
If I were to go see “The Emperor’s New Groove” I would certainly expect a large percentage of the audience to be children and would also expect a certain amount of noise and rambunctiousness. Same thing if I went to Burger King, Denny’s or a “family” restaurant.
If I went to see “Traffic”, however, I would not expect there to be a small child in the place, and I would have far less tolerance if there were one and (s)he acted up.
As to going to a nice restaurant, you are certainly not a second class citizen for having reproduced. The human race does require children if it is to continue. However, if you exercise your right to bring your child to a nice restaurant, and she misbehaves, I certainly reserve the right to ask you to keep her quiet and to ask the manager to have you removed if you fail to do so.
Parents do have the RIGHT to take their children wherever they wish. They also have the RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that child is well-behaved and non-disruptive. If the parent does not heed that RESPONSIBILITY, the patronage has the RIGHT to respectfully address the parent about the situation and take reasonable means to ensure its own enjoyment is not sacrificed for the sake of a pair of selfish parents who choose to ignore the ramifications of their decisions.
It is not my obligation to stay home if I don’t want to encounter kids. It is the parents’ obligation to leave their kid at home with a babysitter if they’re going somewhere where the presence of disruptive children is only marginally acceptable, if at all, or to be decent parents in the first place and make sure their kids are well-behaved in public. I chose not to have kids because I didn’t want to risk being exposed to a lifetime of yowling and unruliness. If I don’t have to subject myself to that kind of behavior from my own progeny, then certainly no one else has the right to inflict it on me because they chose differently.
As to places with a circle and a line sign with a kid, those places don’t exist, at least not in Arizona. That would be discriminating against parents, and I wouldn’t support it out of principle, as I’m opposed to discrimination. That said, I certainly would approve of “no children” sections in restaurants. That seems fair and equitable to both sides.
I hope that’s sufficiently spelled out and that your feathers are a tad less ruffled.
Take your kid out to dinner. Nobody is going to stop you. However, if your kid is being “argumentative” and disrupting others that are being resposible, don’t be suprised if someone puts their nose in and tells you to watch your kid. And don’t you dare be pissed if that happens, as in your words, you’re out in public, so deal with it.
“Argumentative”
Is that a nice way to say screams and throws fits all the time? I hope not.
OT: I’ve been trying to reply to this freaking thread for over an hour and the damn thing keeps timing out on me. Anyone else having problems? Grrr!
I don’t mind a compliment, of couse, but I would prefer people not make a huge deal out of being polite. With the woman in the drug store, I felt a little weird because she made a big fuss over my son, telling him how good he was for saying “excuse me”, but I would prefer that the kids do this stuff because it’s “the right thing to do” rather than do it and expect a compliment.
Am I explaining myself correctly?
Kids shouldn’t be praised for doing what is expected of them, okay? That includes good manners, such as saying “please,” and “thank you” and “excuse me” and holding the door for the person behind you; things like that.
Positive reinforcment is fine, but it can go too far. You’ll end up with a kid who wants a reward just for getting his dirty clothes in the hamper.
I don’t mean to sound like a shrew; I hope I am explaining this right.
Another one here who doesn’t want kids, and never really did.
Now, if I happened to get pregnant, I’d have the kid, I’d love the kid, and I’d make the kid my priority.
But I will make every effort to not have kids. Like so many others, I’m too selfish. I like my privacy too much. Heck, at 27 I’m not adult enough to get married, much less be responsible for another person’s life.
I was thinking about this for a while, and Mielikki’spost sort of reminded me-- I don’t think it’s selfish at all to decide not to have children, and I wonder why so many people are so willing to label themselves as such.
It isn’t selfish to make an informed decision about whether or not you wish to change your life in a major way. A lot of folks who, by choice, don’t have kids give to the world in many other ways.
I was once flat out called selfish by a “friend” during a group chat about kids and whether or not we wanted them, when I said I didn’t. I wonder if some of the self-labeling is sort of a pre-emptive strike, because often we child-free types do get crap from people. Hope I’m not assuming too much there; it’s just a sore spot with me. It pissed me off to be accused of selfishness just because I wasn’t interested in becoming a mom at the time.
FWIW, I’m still not sure if I want kids (so no tube-tying for me). Why? Well, like TroubleAgain, at present I like things the way they are, me and my BF enjoying each other and our lives. Should we discuss marriage, the kids issue will come up in more detail than it has in the past, but we’re not in any hurry. Neither of us hates kids (ok, except the ones who descend on our favorite pizza place at lunchtime ), we just don’t want one around full-time for a while yet.
I’ve got two kids, and sometimes, I catch myself trying to remember what life was like before them. It’s hard.
I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for people who know they don’t want kids, and stick to their guns about it. Doesn’t matter what the reason is–if you know you don’t want them, man, don’t do it. As much as I love my kids, parenting is hard freakin’ work. Even now, I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision (my children are, shall we say, “lively”).
Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong, bad, or anything like that for not wanting kids. Having children is such a personal decision, and no one but you has the right to try and convince you one way or the other.
[sub]but since there’s so many people out there with no kids, and I just know you’ve got some free time, I’m looking for a babysitter next weekend…:d&r:[sub]
I’m with you all the way, Trouble.
I’m 35, soon to be 36, single, no desire to have kids, nothing against them, I am quite happy to babysit them but always glad to give them back to their folks when the job is done.
Just as an aside: Don’t you find it interesting that people think it’s okay to ask us: “You don’t have any kids? Why not? Don’t you want any?” … But it isn’t considered acceptable to ask someone: “You have kids? Why?”
GEEZ, RHONDA! Did you HAVE to point this out? I’m 35, with no girlfriend, and it’s physically impossible for me to father a child before I turn 36. (And in reality, I doubt I’ll find someone before I turn 50–if I EVER do.)
So now you’ve hit me with the stark realization that I’ll attend my son or daughter’s high school graduation wearing DEPENDS! :eek:
Thanks a lot! :mad:
Oh, and you can add Rosebud to “DRY’s list of crushes who don’t want to have children”
I have to say that I can’t remember the last time anyone ever questioned me about not having children. I certainly get asked if I do (I’m 43, most of my peers are parents). My standard answer is “No, I have dogs instead.” I don’t ever recall anyone asking me why I didn’t.
Also, I really enjoy being around children of all ages. I don’t mind fussy children in certain “family” type restaurants, movies, etc. I am amazed at the kinds of movies some parents will bring an infant to, though. Sheesh. Get a video, or a babysitter! There does seem to be a general decline in the benevolent dictatorship style of parenting, though, resulting in ill-mannered & inconsiderate youngsters.
No kids. I’d be a lousy father, not enough patience, and now I’m too old. I’d be going into diapers when they got out of them…
Like what TruePisces said about kids. She enjoys her nephew, then gets to send him home. She’s gonna miss that kid. Both of them moved in the last month.
I have no particular desire to procreate. Mind you, I’m only 18, so it’s very possible I’ll change my mind somewhere down the road, but my reasons are reasonably simple and unlikely to change: I reckon the world could do with quite a few less people, and there’s nothing so special about my genes that I feel the world will have much need of them once I’m gone. And I also don’t regard not breeding as a decision; for me it’s the ‘default’ and having kids would be an active choice.
Doesn’t stop the biological imperative sneaking up on me when I’m not looking of course, but that’s why I keep this trusty big stick with me at all times.
I do not have children, and do not want them - almost all of the time.
I think, or have been led to feel, that evolutionarily speaking I am a misfit. The urge to raise children, to continue the species, is supposed to be natural in all of us, right? Well, not me. In fact, I am very uncomfortable with children, of all ages up to about 10 or 11. Even when I was a child of that age, I did desperately try to seek out the company of adults, from whom I thought I could learn, and converse intelligently with. I do not like touching children, I do not like their voices, their screeches, their smell. That “new baby smell” so many people get misty-eyed over makes me want to run in terror. The pleased gurgling of a happy baby makes me want to cover my ears. There must be something wrong with me.
I do not have, and do not want children. And yet…there are times when I wish I had a couple adopted daughters to raise, to teach, to love. Adopted at age 10 or up, perhaps. I guess I’m very confused on the issue. I also do not want to spread my poor genetics around any more - to have a child that is diabetic like myself - it’s too much hell to inflict on someone, especially someone young.
It is hard - I get a lot of the same condescending looks and attitudes that Jadis mentions, especially since I work with so many 25-35 year olds, who all seem to have the “baby madness”. Every second conversation is about their child, everyone has the brightest, cutest, most precocious, and most ahead-on-the-learning-path child ever. I don’t mind them thinking that, but it’s a conversation that is repeated far too often, and in the most inappropriate settings possible.
I also work 60+ hours a week. How would I take care of a young one? I am already accustomed to taking care of just myself, and selfish about my time. And I think most of you can tell from my posts that I would make a terrible parent anyhow, so it’s all a moot point.
I had my fill of babies a long time ago, i have been looking after my twin sisters for the longest time. I do not believe I want a baby, either and i (23) am coming up on the “baby madness” years. I have also heard the same condescending remarks (hi, Jadis!) “You’ll change your mind.” “What Do You Mean You Only Have A Cat?” “When you meet prince charming you will want a baby.”
I have been spending some time with an 11*year old boy, playing uno, playing soccer with him, going to get snacks, and it is fun.
I therefore believe that if i do not have any children that i would like to adopt a boy.
**Mielikki–**I am also an introvert and you put into words almost perfectly my feelings on the subject. Kids absolutely exhaust me because they needs so much from you. And I don’t mean the physical, I mean the emotional energy and the time and attention that you have to be willing to give to be a good parent. Which brings us to what **Rosebud ** said–it shouldn’t be considered selfish to choose not to have kids. It should be considered selfish deliberately to have kids when you are not able to provide you child with 1)slightly more than bare minimum living necessities, 2)love, 3)time, and 4)attention.
Persephone, on behalf of the other non-parents, thank you for those kind words. It’s nice to hear someone affirming the right to decide such a thing for ourselves without condemnation or second guessing. I’d be happy to babysit if I weren’t on the other side of the country from you.
**vivalostwages, **you’re right…it’s amazing that people don’t seem to think it’s rude to question such a personal decision that an individual or couple has made, but would think it rude if the tables were turned.
And last but not least, Anthracite, please don’t be so hard on yourself. As you can see from this thread, you are hardly the only person here who doesn’t want kids, and hardly the only one who doesn’t even like the little buggers. (I do, as I said, but only in small doses.) I’m sure that there are a lot of kids out there in the age range that you do enjoy who would consider themselves incredibly lucky to be adopted by someone as wonderful as you have proved yourself to be to all of us here at SDMB.
I feel funny around kids too. The whole thought of ever having anybody depend on me scares the crapola out of me. So much is required to be a parent that I know I will never be willing to make that sacrafice.
I also want to follow my dreams, and not having children, and remaining single/celebate allows me the time and freedom to chase those dreams. (I have, uh, quite a few dreams…) Since I realize that a child should be the number one thing in a parents life, I would have to give up everything to do this.
The first 8 years are the most important for a child, It is when the brain, body, and personality is developing, and I sure wouldn’t want my child to turn out a cranky, ignorant, petty little man like his pop. (he would be reading the Wall street journal by 5…hehe j/k)
), we just don’t want one around full-time for a while yet.
