No soap, Radio! The Anti-Joke Thread

[AllWalker]

@Ace309

Two mathematicians are in the tub. One mathematician asks the other mathematician to pass him the soap. The second mathematician says, “No soap, ratio!”

Hamlet and his closest friend are sitting in the tub. His friend asks him to pass the soap. Hamlet says, “No soap, Horatio!”

[Beware_of_Doug]

@Knowed_Out

Two muffins are placed into an oven. The first muffin says “Man its hot in here.” The second muffin says “Oh my god! A talking muffin!”

The first one replies, “You’re one to talk.”

[Randy_Seltzer]

I actually spent half an hour typing out my favorite anti-joke on the board about a year ago.

@Randy_Seltzer

Let me tell you the story of my uncle William. Forgive me if I wax poetic: I’ve heard it a lot.

When William was a boy (this would have been in the ‘40s, I guess), he loved clowns. Whereas my dad liked dinosaurs, my uncle’s room was full of clown paraphernalia: clown picturebooks, clown toys, clown costume pieces. You name it. One of his favorite possessions however, was the poster he proudly displayed on the wall above his bed.

The poster was a circus advertisement prominently featuring a clown. I can never remember the clown’s name. Let’s call him Bonko. Bonko’s name was splashed across the poster. Apparently, he was a pretty big draw for the circus, and was pretty talented. Six-year-old William loved that poster, and especially the depiction of Bonko, and would tell anyone who would listen all about Bonko’s exploits, real or imagined by William.

One day, a newspaper advertisement caught my grandfather’s eye. Bonko’s circus was coming to town. Well this was just too good to pass up. He told my dad and uncle about it, and agreed to take them to the show. Uncle William would spend the next three weeks as an insufferable pest. The poor bastard could barely sleep for excitement.

So the day finally came and uncle William was beside himself. Granddad knew how much it meant to him, so somehow managed to get them all into the front row. The lights went down and various acts came out. Uncle William was indifferent to the elephant and the jugglers and the contortionists: he was dying to see Bonko.

At last Bonko emerged. He did some clowny tricks and what have you, and the crowd lapped it up. He fell down over various things, spilled various foodstuffs on his person, got hit in the crotch with various implements of pain. You know – clown stuff.

Finally, he got to the audience participation part of his act. To William’s delight, Bonko approached them. A spotlight landed on my family as the clown theatrically leaned in.

“Hey there little boy!” he shouted to William, “What’s your name?”

Awestruck, William barely managed an answer. “Bil… Billy!”

“Why hello there Billy! This is Billy, everyone! Billy, let me ask you a question. What kind of circus animal are you?”

William did not know how to answer. The clown went on. “Are you a giraffe, Billy?”

William giggled, “no!”

“Are you an elephant?”

Another giggle, “no!”

“Are you a zebra, Billy?”

“No!”

And the clown, in his silly clown voice, announced to the audience, “Well then you must be an ASS!”

There must have been a much lower threshold for humor back then, or everyone was wasted, because the crowd howled with laughter. William, shellshocked, could do nothing but sit there, mouth agape. The clown had just called him an ass, and everyone had laughed at him! The clown went back into the center of the ring and left my uncle, emotionally destroyed, to his own devices.

That night, back at home, William’s childhood came to an end. Standing in his room staring at the now hated poster, he vowed revenge. He had never been one for verbal come backs, and eloquence wasn’t his strong suit, but he knew he would make a fool of that clown someday.

That week at school, he began his training. He practiced on the unpopular kids at first, building up his confidence with simple taunts and jeers. After a few months he moved on to more elaborate wordplay with quick witty retorts to the school bullies and snarky replies to his elders.

In seventh grade he joined the debate club. He sharpened his verbal skills against more worthy opponents, always with revenge in the back of his mind. He continued to track Bonko, no longer as a fan, but as a general monitoring the movements of enemy troops. The clown’s career progressed just as William’s verbal acuity grew.

William became a state champion debater, and chose a university renowned for its training in disquisition. His oratory became renowned in his small university town, and he was especially acclaimed for his ability to disassemble his opponents in any adversarial debate.

He continued to keep a bead on Bonko, and noted with interest that the now-middle-aged clown was as popular as ever.

He went to law school and became legendary for his advocacy. Few dared cross him in moot court, and he won every prize the school offered. He went straight into litigation and immediately made a name for himself for his indescribable presence in the courtroom.

He never lost sight of his goal, however, and carefully tracked his quarry, Bonko, as the clown processed through the carnival ranks.

Forty-five years after that fateful afternoon under the bigtop, William felt he was ready. He waited for Bonko’s circus to come to town, and bought a ticket for the night he knew the aged performer would appear.

He arrived ten hours early for the performance to be sure he would get the seat he desired.

That evening, William sat in the front row of the circus bleachers. He was calm and relaxed as he watched the opening acts come out. When the jugglers and lesser clowns withdrew, William straightened up in his seat and peered through the curtain to see his old nemesis.

Bonko, now in his golden years but still quite nimble, emerged into the spotlight. The old clown, always the consummate performer, went through all his old tricks and routines with the same flair and panache as ever until finally he came to rest in front of uncle William.

“Why hello sir! What’s your name?”

“My name is William,” my uncle replied in a strong but calm voice.

“Hello William,” cried the old performer, “I have a question for you! What kind of circus animal are you? Are you a giraffe?”

“No,” said William, still calm.

“Are you an elephant?”

No,” came the answer, with presence and poise.

“William, are you a zebra?”

“No. I am not a zebra” said William.

“Well then you must be an ASS!” cried the jester, much to the mirth of the assemblage.

With infinite grace and dignity, my uncle arose from his bench, lightly brushed off his lapel, leveled a finger at Bonko and shouted:FUCK YOU, CLOWN!

I never realized the genre had a name until now, but apparently, it’s a “Shaggy Dog Story.”

[Randy_Seltzer]

A couple of others I like (I’ll make them shorter than when I tell them out loud):

So there’s a pod of humpback whales, just cruisin’ the North Atlantic. Everything is fine, when a stranger humpback approaches them in a panic. He is clearly agitated and upset. He goes up to the leader and says, [panicked humpback imitation] “Bwoooop, bwooooooop, bwoop bwoop bwoooooop BWOOOP bwoop!! Bwoop!”

The second-in-command humpback turns to the leader humpback and says:“What the fuck?”

And finally…

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender gives it to him, the bartender suddenly cries out: “Holy crap man! Your head is a giant pumpkin!”

“It’s true,” said the man, “My head is a giant pumpkin.”

“But why?” exclaimed the barman, “Why is that the case?”

“Well you see,” began pumpkin-head, “one day I was walking down the beach, when I came across a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie! The genie offered me three wishes.”

“That’s amazing!” said the bartender, enrapt, “Go on!”

“Well, for my first wish, I asked for untold riches. And bam! There they were, big honkin’ piles of gold. For my second wish, I asked for a harem of attractive young women who would be at my beck and call whenever I desired. And voila! There they were, in all their nubile glory.”

“Astounding! So what happened next?” cried the bartender, “What did you ask for with your third wish?”

"Well, for my third wish – and here’s where I think I went wrong – I wished……that my head were a giant pumpkin."

Thanks very much! Tip your waitress!

[JKellyMap]

My favorite knock-knock joke:
Me: “Okay, say ‘knock-knock’”

You: “Knock-knock”

Me: “Who’s there?”

You are rendered speechless. I have a good laugh.

[Malleus_Incus_Stapes]

One my friend told me at a Chabad convention:

"A man goes to a hotel and asks for a room. The hotel clerk says, ‘Sorry’, the only room available is Room 19.’
‘What’s wrong with Room 419?’
‘You might not like it.’
‘Why?’
‘Are you a rabbi?’
‘No.’
‘Than we can’t tell you.’
Exasperated, the man says, ‘Look, I need a place to sleep for the night, I’ll deal with whatever’s wrong with Room 19.’

The man checks in to Room 19, and in the middle he hears a noise coming from the closet. It sounds like something is moving around in there. He thinks about getting up to check, but he’s too scared. He pulls the covers over his head, and spends the rest of the night awake. Come morning, he gets the heck out of there.

Another man goes to the hotel and asks for a room.
‘Sorry’, the only room available is Room 19.’
‘What’s wrong with Room 19?’
‘You might not like it.’
‘Why?’
‘Are you a rabbi?’
‘No.’
‘Than we can’t tell you.’
‘I really need a place to stay. I’ll put up with Room 19.’

That night, the man hears creepy noises coming from his closet. It sounds like something moving around in there. Terrified, the man puts his pillow over his head, and leaves as soon as he can the next morning.

A rabbi goes to the hotel. ‘Got a room?’
‘Yes, Room 19.’
‘Okay.’
‘But you can’t tell anyone about what you find there.’
‘Fine, fine.’

In the middle of the night, the rabbi hears something moving around in his closet. He gets up, goes over to the closet, and opens the door".

At which point, you fall silent and your friend says, “So, what was in the closet?”

You put on your straightest face and say “I can’t tell you, you’re not a rabbi!”

[bobot]

Sorry if this one’s a little “racially outdated”. My dad used to say:
“How long is a chinaman’s name” The listener eventually realizes that it’s not a question.
A co-worker used to ask: " You know what I heard?" “Sheep.” That one went over my head for a long time.

[Gyrate]

Q. How do you get 200 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

A. Say “Please get out of the swimming pool.”

[De_La_Rue]

@bobo t

“How long is a chinaman’s name”

And its companion joke:

What’s E.T. short for?

Because he’s got little legs.

[KidScruffy]

What do a duck and a plum have in common?

They’re both purple.
Except for the duck.

[Lamia]

@SSG_Schwartz

Nobody has thought of the classic Anti-Joke yet?

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

I was scrolling and scrolling down the thread hoping I’d get to be the one to tell this one. Ah well, ya beat me fair and square!

Here’s one I remember from high school.

**A (jocular tone): **Hey, ask me if I’m an orange.
**B: **Okay, are you an orange?
**A (deadpan): **No.

Ideally, this will be repeated for the next person who comes in.

**A (jocular tone): **Hey, ask me if I’m an orange.
**C: **Okay, are you an orange?
**A (deadpan): **No.

At this point B will usually see the humor (anti-humor?) in the situation and laugh. C probably won’t think it’s too funny until someone else comes in, though.

[Algorithm]

@De_La_Rue

What’s the difference between a duck?

Its leg is one and both the same.

What’s the difference between an orange?

one of them doesn’t

[Mbossa]

@Lamia

I was scrolling and scrolling down the thread hoping I’d get to be the one to tell this one. Ah well, ya beat me fair and square!

Here’s one I remember from high school.

**A (jocular tone): **Hey, ask me if I’m an orange.
**B: **Okay, are you an orange?
**A (deadpan): **No.

Ideally, this will be repeated for the next person who comes in.

**A (jocular tone): **Hey, ask me if I’m an orange.
**C: **Okay, are you an orange?
**A (deadpan): **No.

At this point B will usually see the humor (anti-humor?) in the situation and laugh. C probably won’t think it’s too funny until someone else comes in, though.

That one reminds me of this one:

**A: **Hey, ask me if I’m a fireman.
**B: **Are you a fireman?
**A: **Yes. Now ask me if I’m a policeman.
**B: **Are you a policeman?
**A: **No, I’m a fireman.

It’s a great one for freaking out stoners.

[AllWalker]

@JKellyMap

My favorite knock-knock joke:
Me: “Okay, say ‘knock-knock’”

You: “Knock-knock”

Me: “Who’s there?”

You are rendered speechless. I have a good laugh.

I love that one. It’s especially good when someone complains that kk jokes aren’t funny. “I know a good one. You start.”

[JKellyMap]

@AllWalker

I love that one. It’s especially good when someone complains that kk jokes aren’t funny. “I know a good one. You start.”

Thanks!

Although I, too, fail to see the humor in jokes about popular Icelandic singers no one has ever heard of.

[Seeker_of_Truth_and_Beauty]

@JKellyMap

Thanks!

Although I, too, fail to see the humor in jokes about popular Icelandic singers no one has ever heard of.

How can one be popular yet unheard of? It’s like one hand clapping.

[tdn]

The other day I shot an elephant wearing my pajamas. I’m not sure why I was wearing my pajamas.

Q: What did one ant say to the other in the bathtub?
A: Pass the ketchup, my back itches.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The guy who only answers one question per knock knock joke.
The guy who only answers one question per knock knock joke who?

And my all time favorite:

This guy decided he was going to build himself a fireplace. He drew up plans and determined exactly how many bricks he would need to build it. Then he went to the store and bought exactly that many bricks. He took them home and built his fireplace. When he was done, he had a brick left over. He rechecked his plans, but no matter what, he couldn’t figure out why he had a leftover brick. Finally, he gave up, and threw the brick out the window.

snerk Threw it out the window. That slays me!