No thank you, Pankiw

What with the election coming up in two weeks, I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me to be getting phone calls from people trying to convince me to vote for their candidate. So when, just as I was about to step into the shower this afternoon, the phone rang, and the call display presented an Alberta area code, I thought to myself, “Ah, someone calling from the Conservative Reform Alliance Party.” But no.

“Hello, I’m calling on behalf of independent MP Jim Pankiw, and I was wondering if I could convince you to support Mr. Pankiw in the upcoming election.”


Now, there are a couple things you should know about Dr. Jim (as his signs are touting him this time round - his website says he’s a chiropractor/acupuncturist). First, he’s enough of a right-wing fringe wacko that the oh-so-moderate Canadian Alliance booted him out of their party, which is why he’s sitting as an independent. Well, to be precised, he wasn’t booted out, he was merely part of the anti-Day splinter faction, and he alone of that group wasn’t allowed back into the party fold when the dust settled. But that’s splitting hairs. Second, he’s a fucking racist. His primary schtick is harping on how the Indians are getting such favourable treatment from the government. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I figure that if you get cheated out of your land, and then forced into govt run schools where you’re subjected to sexual abuse, you’ve got a bit of favourable treatment coming. Like, say, oh, I don’t know, maybe something really extravagent like actually living up to treaty obligations. But no, that, according to Dr. Jim, would be anti-white racism. Lovely fellow, is Dr. Jim. He’s also anti-gay and anti-French (federal civil service hiring guidelines pertaining to bilingualism are “racist” against anglophones - no, I am not making this up. Apparently it’s harder for anglophones to learn French than it is for francophones to learn English. Or something.)

The last thing you should know about Dr. Jim is that I don’t live in his riding, so I cannot legally vote for him, even if there were the remotest chance I would do so in the first place.

Now, since I was on my way to the shower, I simply brushed off the caller by pointing out this last fact. However, a number of things occurred to me in the shower, and I’ve been kicking myself for not asking them ever since.

  1. Why the fuck are your people calling me from Calgary, Jim? (I did a reverse lookup on the number.) Saskatoon isn’t good enough for you anymore? I mean, I realize that you ran for mayor of Saskatoon last fall whilst living outside the city (in contravention of the relevant bylaws, mind you), which suggests that you’re not real keen on civic pride in the first place, but I’d think you could at least support the local economy with your campaign. Fucker. Or are you just afraid that any offices you set up in Saskatoon will be vandalized by enterprizing university students, in much the same way they keep knocking over/defacing the signs you have lining Preston Ave and 14th St as they walk to class? I confess, although I know it’s wrong to destroy your private property like that, I laugh every time I see 20 of your signs in a row knocked over.

  2. Why the hell can’t you put the least bit of effort into not pestering people who don’t even live in your riding? I mean really, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to recognize that my address is south of 8th St. Maybe it’s just that you hired Calgarians to do your evil bidding, and they’re ignorant of the geography of Saskatoon? Perhaps, though this overlooks the fact that a substantial portion of Calgarians grew up one province east. Maybe I should be glad that you’re wasting resources like this, but ye gods! you have no idea how icked out I was when I realized that the person I was talking to on the phone was a living, breathing Pankiw supporter.

  3. Would it be wrong for me to write a letter to the Star Phoenix claiming that you attempted to convince me to commit voter fraud by voting in the wrong riding? I confess, as much as I despise you, my depravity is such that I don’t actually want to scare people away from voting for you, since every vote you get is one less vote for the legit Tory candidate in your riding. With enough vote-splitting, your seat might go to the NDP. Still, it would be extremely entertaining to sling some mud at you in public.

Oh, and in case anyone didn’t get the title, ‘Pankiw’ rhymes with ‘thank you’.

Nice to know that Canadian politics is as fucked up as Texas politics.


You think you have it bad? Check this out:

Apparently, owning half the media in the country and having it pimp for you wasn’t enough. So they text messaged the entire country: many people getting the messages in the middle of the night, waking them up. Nice going, Italy.