No, there is NOTHING wrong with me!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

At least, i don’t think it’s wrong as in uh, immoral.

How many times a day do you stop and just say to yourself
“Oh my God, i am SERIOUSLY F*@cked up!”

I was wearing my Lone Ranger mask this evening- I have been home alone all night and well- Ilike my Lone Ranger mask and i don’t get to wear it out often. So I put it on.
Tomorrow at work we are having an early Thanksgiving dinner party and i promised I would make cupcakes.
I also had plans this evening to taxiderm ol’ Buford.

Ol’ Buford was my pet salamander. I had him for four years, I loved him a bunch, but he has been dead for a year. I put him in a specimen jar out of my sight, just in case someday I had the nerve to try to taxiderm my own pet. It took a year, but this morning I decided that tonight was Time.

I took Buford from his jar. The alcohol made him a bit shriveled and stiff. I thought it would be easier to cut him open if i boiled him first. Nope, no problem here- My roomates were not home so nobody would know that I used one of the kitchen saucepans to boil an eight-inch dead salamander. So i boiled him, I was listening to the Labyrinth soundtrack.
He looked really cool in the pot, so I took off my Lone Ranger mask for a second so i could take a good picture of him.
Then I put my Lone Ranger mask back on and got a razor blade.
Boiling him was a good idea because his skin split like a hot dog when I touched it to the razor.
I learned how Buford met his demise a year ago-
his gizzard-thingy was ruptured and seedlike things were bursting out of him- it looked like more than half his body weight was composed of partially digested fish. Slamanders don’t know when they are full, so if they can, they will eat until they burst. I felt bad because I was the one who bought him seven goldfish and put them all in the cage at once.
I couldn’t figure out the sex of Ol’ Buford, though, even though did a really careful job of dissecting him.
Anyway, I remembered that i should have been making cupcakes for the supper tomorrow, and as long as I was in the kitchen, i mixed up the cupcake mix while Buford was boiling, and took the cupcakes out after I cleaned up all the removed Buford guts.
I wondered what my co-workers would have said if they knew what else i had been cooking in the kitchen along with those cupcakes.
Then I got a styrofoam board and mounted Buford. I pinned him into position, stuffed his body and mouth with epoxy to prevent shrinkage while drying (although I couldn’t do anything for the legs, so they will be kinda skinny), and put a resin glaze on him.
He smells like chemicals right now, but it’s not bothering anybody because my roommates are not home and there’s no evidence in the kitchen of what went on there, except for an empty box of cupcake mix.
I just realized now that I haven’t frosted those cupcakes yet.
I was just a little lonely, because my roommates are not home.
I still have my Lone Ranger mask on now.
You know what tipped me off? I mean, the part where I stopped and asked myself
“Holy shit, what the HELL is wrong with you?”?
It was when my cd ran out and I had to pick some tune to listen to while stuffing a dead salamander with epoxy-
I was still in an 80’s mood, so I chose Cyndi Lauper.
It was weird to hear “Time after Time” while sewing a salamander’s mouth shut.
I want to go to bed now.
But I have to frost those damn cupcakes.
I’m really tired.

And i am curious as to how you all will respond to a post like this .

2

My first impression: there’s something very wrong with you.

My second impression: in the unlikely event that you ever offer me a cupcake, I will politely but firmly decline.

My third impression: home taxidermy. COOL!

3

Heh. Taxiderming a long-dead pet while wearing a Lone Ranger mask and listening to Cyndi Lauper? No matter how hard I try, I can’t regard that as anything but supercool. It ain’t normal, but who the hell has time to be normal in the privacy of her own home?

4

Turpentine, you are my new personal hero and I want to be just like you when I grow up!

Can I come hang out with you?

I’ll help you frost cupcakes!

5

you had a pet salamander?! Cool!

you rock - though i distrust your cooking…

oh, and “People in masks should not be trusted” – The Princess Bride :slight_smile:

6

Were you also naked?

You’re on my next list of SDMB People I’d like to meet.

7

Actually, I think everything was fine up until this point. This definitely makes you twisted. Sewing up a slamander’s mouth with Cyndi Lauper playing in the background? It’s a solemn occasion for God’s sake. Bach’s Toccata and Fuge in D Minor. Plus, it adds that slightly creepy vibe for when the roommates walk in on you in the mask.

8

Now I am soooo nauseous. You’ve put me off my feed.

9

This is easily one of the best posts I’ve read in ages!! I love the plot. I love the imagery. I love cupcakes.

It took me back to Mr. Falk’s Biology class, spring of '70 - dissecting a frog. We did it sans mask, but it would have been a hoot to wear one.

Oh, yeah, and I’m glad we’re not roomies! :slight_smile:

10

Yes, there is something terribly wrong with you. You should NEVER overfeed a salamander!

walks away in shocked horror

11

(except for the taxidermy part).

One of my daughters was wearing a Santa Claus hat last night (she wears it occasionally, all year round). When she isn’t wearing that, she wears her cat ear headband. The Lone Ranger mask sounds cool.

We have had salamanders, iguanas and hermit crabs. Our pets are all rather ordinary right now (except for the turtle). (How is your millipede?)

We love that Cindy Lauper CD.

What kind of cupcakes did you make?

-----:smiley:
—////\\

12

Anpother long lost relative checking in. I don’t do taxidermy (dead pets bother me enough the first time) but I do wear fairy wings because they are cute! And I stop to think that whole, “What the hell is wrong with me?” about thirty times a day.

“Oh! cool feather! I can braid this into my hair during Latin!”
“Jingley braclet! Jingles are annoying! I want one!”
“I need to clean my room, where’s my corset?”
“It’s monday, that means my doll has to be put in normal clothes from the weekend and I have to rotate the stuffed animals.”
“Ow! I got my spiked collar around my arm inside out…I need to put the phone down to take care of this one.”

Anyway, sounds like a good productive day on your end. I hoep to have a day liek that over here too.

13

I sure as hell hope your rinsed out that sauce pan before making the frosting for the cup cakes.

Other than that, it appears as though you have simultaneously made it to the opposite ends of several people’s lists all at once.

Congratulations Turp!

PS: The post mortem was the most interesting part…

14

hehehe, she stuffed a salamander, hehe

15

It’s true. Girls do just want to have fun.

16

turp, you know that i’ve always thought you were a little off balance.

but now i’m not so sure. this sounds like perfectly ordinary behavior for someone who is home alone. in fact, i’d call it healthy. perhaps you should assassinate another lizard so you have something to do next year.

the only thing that worries me is the fact that you made cupcakes for co-workers and you didn’t tells us about the laxitives and other fun chemicals you put in them. you did remember to put laxitives in the cupcakes right?

17

The only thing I’m curious about is why you weren’t listening to “Karma Chameleon”.

18

I think I’m in love…

19

Hello!

I was hoping to get a bunch of replies that say-
“Yeah, Turp, we all do this sort of thing when we are alone.”

Some of you cheered me right up, thanks a bunch- ya FREAKS!
Fairy Wings??? Geez, I’M not weird like that :stuck_out_tongue:

I dropped the cupcakes on the floor of my car on the way to work, after skidding to a stop. I had to brush them all off and place them carefully back on the plastic-wrapped dish (I had no Tupperware, that would have helped a lot).

I brought the cupcakes in, it’s not yet time to eat them, but when my co-workers saw them, they all ooohd and aaahed in anticipation.

I felt guilty so I said

“I have to get this off my chest-
Before you eat these cupcakes, you should something:
I- I dropped them on the floor of my car on the way to work. That’s why some of them are a little messed up.”

Nobody really seemed to be bothered by this.

I showed one of my roommates this morning what I had done to Buford (He came out much better than the cupcakes) and I told him that i had prepared him whilst preparing the cupcakes and he laughed, said that I should bring a camera into work and tell people about Ol’ Buford, and then snap their picture just as their faces make the initial reaction to my revelation.

I’ll let you know how well the cupcakes go over after lunch.

20

My first impression (well, okay, my second one after “ewww”)? You must be a really tidy cook. Hell, when I make just cupcakes, there’s a whole lot more evidence than an empty box.