I met this woman a couple of weeks ago. I invited her over for the 4th of July evening. We met twice since (friday night and today). I’m not interested in her anymore (my reasons, nothing wrong with her as a human being). I need to get out of the invite because I don’t want to lead her on.
I see my options (paraphrased) as:
“Hi, this is Whistlepig. You are a great human being, but know that I’ve met you I don’t think we could have a relationship. I’m sorry.”
“Hi this is Whistlepig. I can’t have you over on the 4th because of (believable excuse). Uh, call me sometime.” (And I’ll never call back. Or will afterwards call back with option 1)
I’m leaning towards option 1, but I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have to. I’m not sure if she’s real interested in me or not (neither of us mentioned the 4th tonight.) Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Whistlepig
p.s Details really don’t matter. The facts are above.
I don’t know dude, with name liek whistlepig you probably need all the dates you can get.
Seriously, you should just hang out with her on the 4th and then let it slide. It doesn’t hurt her feelings and who knows, third time may be the charm.
I dunno, whistlepig, she might have turned down other plans so as to spend the 4th with you.
What I would do in a circumstance like this would be to call her up and tell her that a private date for the fourth seems a bit overwhelming to you right now, or a “too-much-too-soon” sort of thing, but that you’d love to invite her to a group party or gathering of friends (this, of course, presupposes that there are other people with whom you’d be spending the 4th). That way you can both have fun for the evening, even if she’s really not interested in you romantically. Then she can respond without feeling pressured either way, and you don’t look like a jerk for leaving her without plans.
Boy, don’cha love contradictions? You likely can’t both “get out” of the invite AND not lead her on. If there’s ambiguity about whether you’re interested, she may linger. Which hurts both of you in the long run.
Of course, I’m not for blunt terminations either: her feelings do need to be considered.
Boy, don’cha love contradictions? You likely can’t both “get out” of the invite AND not lead her on. If there’s ambiguity about whether you’re interested, she may linger. Which hurts both of you in the long run.
Of course, I’m not for blunt terminations either: her feelings do need to be considered.
Boy, don’cha love contradictions? You likely can’t both “get out” of the invite AND not lead her on. If there’s ambiguity about whether you’re interested, she may linger. Which hurts both of you in the long run.
Of course, I’m not for blunt terminations either: her feelings do need to be considered.
Boy, don’cha love contradictions? You likely can’t both “get out” of the invite AND not lead her on. If there’s ambiguity about whether you’re interested, she may linger. Which hurts both of you in the long run.
Of course, I’m not for blunt terminations either: her feelings do need to be considered.
I don’t know, but that last post was 12 minutes later. Strange.
NightRabbit’s suggestion sounds like the way to go. That way you can both salvage the holiday by (hopefully) having a good time at a get-together without the pressures or expectations of an actual “you-two-alone” date.
It would be the more honorable thing than just cancelling your plans on her out of the blue.
whistlepig, I sympathize, but I’m afraid in my book you are obligated to go out with her on the 4th of July. What I’d do is use the date to establish a distance and let things fade, ie. don’t kiss her good night, don’t say “We have to do this again some time”, etc.
Sounds to me like he wants to meet SOMEONE ELSE on the 4th. And the girl from the vignette above does not meet his expectations and he wants to try his luck with a possible future Mrs.Piggy…
I think if you’ve already agreed to go out with her on the 4th it would be in bad form to cancel. You’re not getting engaged, here. You’re following through with a commitment you’ve already made.
Thanks for the advice. I’ll go through with the 4th. It will be just the two of us. I’ll be pleasant, but vague about the future and then fade away like the memory of a not-too-bad sunburn.
Thanks for the advice. I’ll go through with the 4th. It will be just the two of us. I’ll be pleasant, but vague about the future and then fade away like the memory of a not-too-bad sunburn.
I wasn’t planning to go meet someone else on the 4th. I have a very scared of fireworks dog, so since I didn’t make plans to go camping in Glacier NP, I’m stuck at home with my scared and then very stoned dog. I just thought she might like to share that (plus I have a good view over the city and offered to cook supper).
One option is for you to simply do what a woman would do in the same circumstances. Namely, do whatever is expedient from your own personal point of view. You don’t want to see her? Tell her. End of story. You’re under no obligation to treat women better than they would treat you if the tables were turned. You just know, without me even having to explain it, that if this woman had made an arrangement with you, and you were counting on it, and then she decided she had ‘changed her mind’, she’d drop you faster than a rat on fire.
So tell her. If she’s okay with it, she’s okay with it. If she isn’t, you can shrug and say, “Hey, I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. What else could I do?”. (At which point she may even thank you for your honesty!).
If anyone remonstrates with you for having been too ‘harsh’, you shrug again and say, “Okay, yeah, I guess I’m not proud of it, but it was a difficult situation”.
This is your all-purpose safe formula. Women can teach us a lot.
I don’t think that’s bad advice. If you think this woman is interested in you and you’re not interested in her, you should just let her know. Otherwise she may be gearing up for a romantic day and will feel like a complete loser when it doesn’t turn out that way.
Does it make you “harsh”? Not if you tell her with care and the understanding that you’re more than likely hurting her feelings. It’s never easy to hear that someone you’re interested in is not interested in you. There’s really no way to do it that will make the person feel any better. Be honest, and she will be hurt. But she will hurt less than if you lead her on then do the “fade out”. That’s absolutely the worst thing to do to a person. Better to have closure than none.
