The guy who keeps asking his wife to throw him a new roll of toilet paper because he’s just used the last of it. Apparently he can’t walk all the way from the bathroom to the hall closet where it’s kept, so wife makes like Tom Brady and whizzes TP at him. One is too soft and turns to fluff, one’s so rough it shaves a stripe in his head, then the Angel Soft is just right, like Goldlilocks and the baby bear’s bed. Ridiculous dude.
Second nominees are the “thanks for the falcon” guy and his wife, who is calling the State Farm agent to complain that he bought her husband a falcon. No, the guy used the money they saved by switching to State Farm to buy a falcon and blah blah. Who buys a falcon? This premise bewilders me, but the husband’s insistence that the agent bought the falcon and the wife’s blaming are a one-two punch of not-right-bright.
Last would be the woman who happily trumps her dieting officemates by proclaiming that her lunch choice has “zero calories and 25 grams of awesome!” and slaps a vase on the table. She skipped eating to go shopping. Not only is the entire setup an ode to eating disorders, the vase is ugly. And I can’t even remember what store it’s supposed to be advertising I was so appalled by the whole thing.
Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, even with meds. I’m sensitive to this because I just got an RA diagnosis myself but it’s a lifelong, degenerative disease that causes daily, sometimes intense and inescapable pain. It’s not cancer (nothing is that isn’t) but it’s not a mild thing that disappears out of sight and out of mind just because you’ve got Embrel.
“There’s no such thing as a bear sheriff,” however, makes a fantastic nonsequitur in ridiculous situations.
As stupidest character in a commercial I want to nominate the guy in the Subway commercial who, seeing a woman with a Subway bag, starts asking her if she’s trying to save money for an entire–and ongoing–list of stupid things.
You know the one? “Are you saving money to buy a submarine?”
“No.”
“To have the outside of your house covered with wallpaper?”
“No.”
“So you can buy yourself a robot bookkeeper?”
And so on until she tells him she just likes to save money.
Hmmm. On second thought maybe I should be nominating her for putting up with this for so long.
I like Flo. She’s cool. But I want to slap the bejesus out of Coupon Suzie.
What about the guy who falls in the lake because he’s fishing at night and can’t hold the rod, the net, the fly, AND the flashlight all at the same time? Then he gets one of those fucking retarded looking hats with the light on them? Wouldn’t someone just keep a camping lantern there?
And then the women who wears it inside when she carries her grocceries in, without switching on any lights until she reaches the kitchen? What the fuck? Most people I know of would have left a light on in the first place.
And finally? YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MORON IN THAT STUPID HAT!!! If I saw someone wearing one, I’d laugh my ass off.
The moron in those dessert-flavoured yogurt commercials deserves a mention. He spends the entire time looking for the desserts his wife keeps mentioning on the phone and can’t stop for 30 seconds to see that THOSE ARE ALL FLAVOURS OF YOGURT THAT ARE FILLING HALF OF THE FRIDGE! You’d think with that much yogurt in the house, he’d try some and say “This tastes a lot like key lime pie.” Although I doubt he can identify flavours more complex than “yummy”, so that’s debatable.
I also have to nominate those kids in the Totino’s commercials that used to be on. What’s their favourite thing to do? Not any sort of hobby or sport, not even just hanging out with some good friends. Eating frozen pizza. Enjoy your lonely, mediocre pizza-filled futures, kids
It could be worse – It even happens In Real Life. A certain in-law once expressed surprise when I off-handedly remarked that I ate cereal and milk sometimes in the afternoon. True story.
My nomination for all-time stupidest character in all-time stupidest commercial, from many many (about 30 to 40?) years ago I think:
Warning: Massively insulting to women, especially home-makers! Candidate for all-time most sexist commercial!
Hyper-ditzy hysterical hausfrau in a state of panic: Complaining frantically in screechy tone about the ring around her bathtub.
Deep male voice off-screen in white lab coat (Yes, from the voice alone, you can just see the white lab coat): “Madam! Have you tried Fantastik?”
Hyper-ditzy dame in hyper-ditzy voice: “But Fantastik is my KITCHEN cleaner! [Voice rises to even more hysterical screech here.] What about my baaaaaaaa-aaaath???”
Deep male voice off-screen in white lab coat: “Madam! Just as fast as Fantastik will clean your kitchen, it will also clean your bath . . .”
