I see what you’re saying. And you and your hubby can both come to my wedding. Just don’t bring your dog.
My last post was in response to yellowval but folks sneaked in before I posted. The rest of y’all can’t come. But your dogs can.
overlyverbose,
Some of your friends were bonkers. To assume that sending an invitation to “overly’s roommate and guest” is equivalent to inviting overly and her roommate? I can’t imagine doing that. Of course, I’d probably assume that both you and the roommate wanted a copy of the invitation to keep and treasure(or at least I’d pretend that I did) and so send you each an invitation. For a more casual event, I can imagine addressing one invitation to both people, but I’d be more mad about being intended as the “guest” of my roommate than I would have been by not being invited at all.
As someone mentioned above, some etiquette mavens will politely look the other way under an assumption that people living together must be secretly married or engaged.
I wasn’t too ticked off mainly because I had sort of grown apart from my friends due to a relationship in which my then-boyfriend insisted I not hang out with my friends. He did a very good job of isolating me almost completely, and when we broke up and he moved back to NY, I was essentially alone except for my roommate and then former friends, all of whom I’d blown off earlier. It would have been nice had my friends’ not including me on the invitation not implied “overly’s roommate, oh, and that other girl”; however, I just chalked it up to forgetfulness, not maliciousness. Maybe I should have been more upset, but things worked out well in the end. I’m closer to those people than I was during college, and most of them felt terrible for not having thought to include me on their invite list by name (which was perversely satisfying - while I don’t wish my friends to feel bad, I was glad they had the hindsight to realize what they did could be construed as offensive).
Are you sure? He’s a really cute dog. I suppose now you’re going to tell me I can’t bring the cats, either. How about my imaginary kids? They’re much better behaved than my 27-year-old (the husband).
Hi, Joazito’s Girlfriend. People comment on one side of the story all the time here - it’s usually all we get, and the people receiving the comments should know to take them for what they’re worth. It’s a public message board - I hope nobody is making important life decisions based on what goes on here.
It may be differnent in Portugal, but in North America, kids aren’t invited to every adult function; you do socialize with your boyfriend without your son sometimes, don’t you?
Here’s the thing: in this situation, it means you don’t even know that the SO exists, let alone their name.
If the invitee hasn’t even bothered to introduce her SO to you, why on earth should she expect that person to be invited to a social function?
If a person “close to you” is going to get upset because you don’t always give her the option to bring any person she happens to be dating at the moment, I’d say she’s not a very good friend.
Me neither. I’m just baffled by you. 
Well, I’m single 99% of the time, and I absolutely hate bringing a date or being expected to bring a date. I don’t need to bring along some random person to be my crutch or shoulder to cry on when I break down in misery because I’m still single. Sheesh. I love being single, and never want to be married, and while I’m happy to celebrate the marriages of my friends, they don’t make me feel lonely.
Where does the idea that all single women are miserable and desperate to get married come from? (oh, right, from other single women who feel that way…)
This person is clueless and will probably never get it.
It’s frowned on morally by some people, but not by etiquette guides. Actually, attempts to impose your morality on others will often run you afoul of Miss Manners and the other proper ladies.
Because no matter what, it is rude to put someone on the spot for an invitation for your child. The correct thing to do in that situation is to send your very politest and most gracious regrets that you will be unable to attend. And no matter what, it is unreasonable to conceive a lifelong hatred of someone for not wanting to invite your child to a social event. And no matter what, it is controlling and manipulative to forbid someone to attend their friend’s wedding just because your kid isn’t welcome there. “You do what I say or else” has no place in a mature adult relationship between equals. It just doesn’t.
He’s neither. He’s offering a polite fiction to cover the fact that your kid is just not invited. And he wouldn’t have had to do that if you guys hadn’t put him on the spot. As I’ve mentioned before, putting someone on the spot for an invitation somewhere is massively impolite. So I have to blame that lie on your boyfriend as much as on the groom
So…he wasn’t very polite about being put in a very awkward and uncomfortable position, and you’re going to hold that against him till the end of time. Very mature of you. Quite commendable, that. Leaving aside the issue of expecting someone else to feel exactly the same way you do about every single thing, I’d like to remind you that you were entirely welcome at the wedding. It was your child who wasn’t welcome. If you weren’t willing to go without your son, that’s your fault, not the groom’s.
joazito’s girlfriend, why on earth is your boyfriend’s friend’s answer stupid? He was gracious enough to say that you could attend, then tried to make arrangements for your child, then conceded your kid could come, too, and his answer is “stupid?” Also, why would you issue an ultimatum to someone you love? “It’s your friend or me. Choose.” That doesn’t seem very mature - it seems like you really don’t care about anyone’s feelings but your own. You might as well just stamp your foot and throw a tantrum or scream “I hate you forever and ever!” and run into your bedroom and lock the door.
And, by the way, some people do forget the names and faces of others. Even if he did meet your son and play with him, perhaps he didn’t realize he was yours, or he simply forgot. That makes him stupid? Haven’t you forgotten someone’s name before?
None of the circumstances you mention matter.
It is always rude for an invitee to ask to be allowed to bring extra people with them to a wedding.
I recommend that you buy this book and read it.
No offense, but you might want to get your own guest account, rather than post on your boyfriend’s.
Hi joazito’s girlfriend!
It’s nice to hear the other point of view, but I to be honest, it doesn’t change my opinion of what happened. I don’t think there’s anything “stupid” about the groom’s answer to why your son couldn’t attend. It’s perfectly reasonable to want an adult you invite to an adult function spending time with the other adults. I know I don’t know what tone the groom was taking on the phone, but I just truly don’t see anything impolite about his behaviour as you have related it here.
I also really don’t for the life of me understand why you couldn’t attend without your son, and I am with others here who have said that I cannot imagine ever giving an ultimatum like that, even under much, much more serious circumstances than the ones here.
yellowval – Elret kept making the exact same responses that I would have made had I been here. In etiquette terms, it isn’t the seriousness of the relationship that makes you a social unit, it’s the public declaration. Marrying, becoming engaged, or moving in together are all public gestures declaring the couple to be a unit. Also, in my original post, you’ll notice that I said “… from an etiquette perspective, at a minimum people who are married, engaged or living together (and this includes people in same-sex relationships living together) should be invited together.” This is the bare minimum required by etiquette. People can expand that definitionas far as they like. I usually tell brides that they should try to include long-term, or serious boy- and girl-friends of friends, even if they don’t live together. The term “social unit” usually helps clarify the idea. The bride will think, “Gee, Patty and Bob aren’t living together or engaged, but they’ve dated for 5 years and go everywhere together… So I’d better invite him.” But by name, not as “& guest.” I don’t think “& guest” is rude, but it is impersonal. A close friend’s significant other should not be treated so impersonally. “& guest” is only appropriately used for a guest with no serious significant other, who might want to bring a random guest whose name the bride and groom don’t know – and who the guest might not even know until the last minute. It’s a nice enough thing to do, if the couple can afford the extra guests, but it isn’t required by etiquette.
You quoted me, but I gotta say, nothing that I said was mean. When I say
this is not mean. If you think it is, you have lived a sheltered life, 'cause I could show you mean if I had a mind to.
It is simple. The man is getting married and it is his day. How will you feel if you are lucky enough to get married? Will you feel that the Girlfriend of a distant friend (remember, **you ** say they aren’t close) should have any say in procedings, or will you think that the wedding and the day are about you?
You are “curious” that we commented when we only heard one side of the story? Well, we were ASKED for comments. (see orignal post. In case you have trouble spotting it, it is the part where he says
) If your BF didn’t want our opinion, he should not have asked for it, and certainly not asked in a forum entitled “In My Humble Opinion.”
And lastly, It is incredably rude for an invitee to ask to be allowed to bring extra people with them anywhere, especially if they are not close friends (again, you tell us they are not.) I have some friends that I am very close to. I might call and ask for a favor, but I would respect their wishes if they said no. I would never ever call a person I wasn’t close to and impose in such a rude manner.
Having heard “the other side” of the story, I have to say that both you and joazito were rude, and more rude for being upset when you were told no.
Posting from Spain (other end of teh country from Portugal, but still closer than most other posters!).
My cousin’s wedding is March 12th. The bride is from my hometown, so that’s where the wedding will take place, at her parish.
I was included in the invitation received by my mother, along with her other single child. My married brother and his wife got a separate invitation. If I happened to have a BF and the family knew about it, and he was invited, we would have gotten a separate invitation.
In my brother’s wedding, there were very few people who had little kids, so we asked them not to bring them. Nobody had a problem with this, specially since it was an afternoon wedding and nobody likes putting the 5-yr-old at bed at 4am after he’s been dancing all night… or having him wake up suddenly and crying in the car on the way home, after falling asleep during dinner. Same for another cousin’s wedding, it was no-kids.
My best friend had a ton of little nephews and nieces, so it was a kiddie wedding. Also one with the church at 11am and everybody folding by 1am except the staunchest youths (what, you mean people in other places don’t have 14-hour weddings?)
Unless your girl really didn’t have anybody who could care for the kid, I think she was very rude. The bride and groom get to decide who gets invited and whether they want kids or not - it’s bad enough when their parents start inviting every second- and third-cousin out there, they don’t need it from friends!
PS: Mom claims that all those second- and third-cousins meant more expense for the parents and more gifts for the happy couple… but I still would have preferred less guests. If the guest list had been what my brother and sister in law had planned, I would have been sitting with friends and cousins that I’ve known since childhood, not with a bunch of people I’ve seen twice in my life!
All of this mess would have been avoided if it weren’t for men. They are clueless wonders.
The most likely scenario is this. Joazito goes to a party at his GF’s grandma’s house and sees a guy he used to be friends with. They are glad to see each other after all these years and after the obligatory thumps on the back, they ask each other what’s new. The friend mentions he is getting married. Then he feels awkward because he thinks that Joazito’s feelings will be hurt because he wasn’t invited. So friend issues him Joazito a verbal invitation without for one second considering the repercussions should Joazito accept. After all, HE’S not paying for the wedding! He also doesn’t consider that Joazito’s GF should also be invited because that’s what etiquette dictates. He doesn’t realize what deep mierda he will be in when he tries to explain to to his betrothed why her cousin Leo was excluded but “Joazito from the soccer game” was issued an 11th hour invitation.
And then Joazito calls and asks if his GF and her child can come as well. Hee Hee Hee.
See, women GET that we don’t issue invitations to the biggest formal party we’ll ever host in the middle of a soccer game. Women GET that such an invitation, if offered, should be politely declined. But we’re dealing with men here.
So, here’s my NSHO. The groom was wrong for issuing an invitation to his wedding in the middle of a soccer game and without consulting his bride to be. Joazito was wrong for asking if his GF could also come. And Joazito’s GF was wrong for not thwacking Joazito on the head and saying, “Dude, he was only being polite!”
Well I never intended to live this thread to die without a summary of the outcome regarding, my GF, so here goes: she didn’t change her mind about what happened, she got royally pissed at me for divulging personal information about her in a public message board, and she got really upset at everyone calling her a manipulative bitch. I’m sorry for that she had to see this, I probably shouldn’t have posted in the first place and I probably shouldn’t have shown it to her thinking it would allow her to see thinks in a different light. Anyway, life goes on.
In another news, she broke up with me today. She was my first GF, had been together for a couple of years, and her kid just called me dad on the phone. He has no ideia. Damn… Maybe I should start another thread for support. Or maybe there are too many threads about breaking up. Or maybe I should stop posting personal info on a public message board. Baaaah.
Um, since none of us have any idea who she is or who you are, it’s not really personal. And she IS a manipulative bitch, though I’m sorry you’re going through this. Breakups suck, and it looks like her kid is going to be missing out by not having you around.
Break ups are always hard, but usually for the best. Try and remember this. Oh, and chocolate always helps.