Now that’s good! You move up to the #2 slot AndYrAStar.
POP QUIZ!
Does anyone know may favorite breakfast cereal that I am eating right now?
Yay!
If elected, I promise to fulfill only One of the duties of either position.
After all, I’m the only one in the running for mistress.
Cookie Crisp?
The only two cereals I could find in connection with your name here on the board are Mr. T cereal and Cap’n Crunch.
If it’s not one of those, I’m seriously failing in my stalker duties and I’ll have to hop the fastest plane back to Florida to find out what cereal you’re eating.
he eats Lucki Charms!
You’re eating eggs, not cereal. Stop trying to trip me up with your stalking!
Sez you AndyStar. I got kneepads on. Now eat laser guided death kitty!
Boy you guys are sooooo off on the cereal situation! I am actually eating cream of wheat. tsk tsk.
So…Mr. Miskatonic. Why the kneepads? Where you planning on a bribe? Sorry bub. No go!
Number 6, eh? Does this merit a sort of second interview?
What can I offer you?
I think that it’s important that you and your stalker have a symbiotic relationship. The stalker has the thrill of the hunt and the pleasure of satisfying an obsession. The stalkee gets to have their ego stroked. It’s crucial that you have the right stalker for your needs and your life.
Would you wear ratty sneakers with a dress suit? Of course not. By the same token, you should be able to accessorize with your stalker. If you go to a fancy restaurant with friends, nothing would be more humiliating than to have your stalker show-up wearing a pair of dingy sweatpants and a stained Bill the Cat tee-shirt. You should expect your stalker to dress appropriately for any ocassion; be it an afternoon jog, a trip to the grocery store, or a sitting with the Pope.
I’ll be a hygenic stalker. I’ll be a mysterious stalker. I’ll be your stalker. After I’ve rifled through your dresser and your closets, I’ll leave things neat and clean. After I’ve combed through your garbage can, I’ll make sure to put the lid back on so as to keep the neighbors pets from making a mess. I’ll make a point of not calling you repeatedly at unreasonable hours and hanging-up. I will limit these calls to telemarketing hours. I want to work with you in satisfying your stalking needs.
My philosophy
Why do I stalk?
I may not be one of them fancy Ivy-League stalkers. I might not be a big-time corporate stalker. What I can offer is a tradition that has been passed-down from generation to generation in my family. My pappy was a stalker, as was his pappy before him. We have followed and creeped-out some of the elite in American history. I have framed on my wall a note written by Theodore Roosevelt to my great-grandfather. The paper is yellowed, the ink faded; but one can still clearly make out the deep thoughts of this great statesman who wrote, in his own humble manner, “Sweet God, leave me alone! Are you some sort of freak or something?” I often look at that letter and think that this is why I stalk.
I didn’t know that I would follow my father into the family business until July of 1986. I was a sixteen year-old kid with no direction in life. I sat out on the porch one day and my randon thoughts eventually led to how I used to watch NBC. The heyday of Silver Spoons, the A-Team, and CHiP’s. That got me to thinking about Erik Estrada. What was he up to? Did he miss the adulation? Did he think that we forgot? I knew then what I must do.
The next day I scribbled-out seventeen rambling letters to his fan-club. I soon made pilgrimages to his home, I carved firgurines out of Velveeta, I dug through his garbage. For two years I dedicated myself to this task before me. I knew that I had achieved my goal the day the deputies showed-up at my door and handed me the restraining order. There I stood in my California Highway Patrol uniform with a single tear running down my face. This simple legal act of barring me from any contact; be it physical, written, or electronic; was his way of saying, “Thank-you. You made me feel special.”
This is why I stalk.
Oh, truly Doper stalkers are so much fun. I’ve got katiekilldare, and she was just all chuckles and love at Dopetoberfest in L.A. She even tried to seduce my l’il BoiToi, bless her heart. Thankfully I had my minion woodstockbirdybird there to distract her with his entertaining rendition of “Meet the Feebles” a la Shakespeare in the round whilst I stealthily escaped to my motel room with said piece o’ tasty Japanese meat. Thankfully woodstock also taste-tested my food at the 'fest, and although he’s not nearly as playful as he once was, he makes a great conversation piece in the living room!
Esprix
[sub]Scylla[/sub]
You know how you read about a famous celebrity’s deepest secrets being revealed by an assistant?
or how an assistant sells said celebrity’s stuff on e-bay, making a bundle?
and Pezzy, do you remember a while back I said I couldn’t wait for you to get famous so I could make money off of your fame via the black market?
well, my time has come…
(insert evil laugh)
e-bay is a great thing
I would have been able to answer that if I wasn’t off writhing in pain and trying to accomplish my other stalking duties to you. Why? That’s all I’ve been eating for the past 4 days. I assure you that as soon as my mouth is no longer (roughly) the size of North Dakota, I will be more ‘on the ball’, as they say.
(sidenote: awwww, pezzy’s got a halo… ::snaps photos from 763 different angles:
Bad News Baboon… while I would greatly enjoy owning a “pezpunk’s official stalker” pin, owning said pin wouldn’t alone MAKE me pezpunk’s official stalker, no?
Oh yeah, that thing is mine.
a real stalker wouldn’t have to ask that.
I find a niche in the market then I fill it.
See! See people! This is what pezpunk does in his efforts to stalk me! He makes the worst of the fact that I have to wear armor and padding all the time because he or his minions might jump me at any minute. I had to go to his house to discuss it with him, but he refused to acknowledge his stalking of me even after I hung around for several hours!
WOW! That is spiffy!! I suppose that your auction could be the final deciding factor as to who gets to be my official stalker.
Sounds fair to me. Mouthbreather is officially in the lead folks!
As it seems, yes it does.
behold the magic stalker pin. 
…dammit. I suppose I will have to win, then.
Stalker posititon is currently up to $1.25 with Mouthbreather in the lead!
Pezpunk, you have it wrong!
On the Stalk Exchange 
the stalkers are the buyers, YOU are mere product.
I can stalk anybody. What have YOU got to offer, stalkee-wise? Valuables? Sex in front of open windows?
C’mon, I haven’t got all day!
Oh, yeah, don’t try disqualifying ME. I haven’t done a revenge stalk all week