ROTFLMAO! I did not see that one coming.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re about average.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think–Dorothy Parker
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
As Ted Kennedy used to say, “We’ll drive off that bridge when we get to it.”
Seize the bull by the horns of a dilema.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place in the sun.
A rolling stone rolls and rolls and eventually… just stops rolling.
You can lead a horse to water, and you can force water down it’s throat with a tube.
My Mom needed a poem for church on Valentine’s day for a “couple” thing, so I gave her:
Roses are Red
Orchids are Black
I love you best
When you’re on your back
She didn’t use it. Go figure.
A few of my favorites:
“Speak softly; drive a Sherman tank.
Laugh hard - it’s a long way to the bank.”
– They Might Be Giants
“If you meet the Buddha on the net, put him in your kill file.”
– Robert Firth
“Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand.”
– Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
When I was a very young teen , I confided in my best friend that Jim Morrison made thrills run up and down my spine. She, in turn, liked my apartment because it had sensual air conditioning and she was fascinated by the Muslin religion.
Now, as my husband constantly tells me…this conversation is going off on a tangerine.
anonymouse
Winners never quit, and quitters never win. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
“The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause.”
“All work and no play makes Maude a dull name.”
From New York Magazine competition circa 1972
I could be here but I’m not, cause if I was here I wouldn’t be where I am and then I’d be lost.
Reality continues to ruin my life. -Calvin
Reality is the leading cause of stress.
Reality is for the unimaginative.
I am only smiling because you have all finally driven me insane.
Don’t bake any wooden pickles.
A bitch in time saves whine.
A bird in the hand that feeds it is worth two in the bush that bite.
Alternately:
A bird in the hand is worth killing two birds in the bush with one stone.
You can beat a dead horse to water, but you can’t make it drink even if you put the cart before it.
A fool and his money is the root of all kinds of evil.
The fact that we have hands should give monkeys pause.
anonymouse
Got sent these in an email a while ago.
“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal from many is research.”
“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“Half the people you know are below average.”
You forgot one;
Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
Use a pun, go to jail.
[sub] sorry, very old commercial in california, kinda obscure…sorry[/sub]
Three women walk into a bar…and you would have thought the other two would have ducked when the first one hit
Opportunity knocks, but temptation kicks the door down
Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something
Someday we’ll look back at all this and plow into a parked
car.
Don’t sweat petty things…or pet sweaty things
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
Some old, lame ones…
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
'Tis easier to get forgiveness than permission.
“We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”
Great poem for drunks…
Sparkle, sparkle little twink.
Where the hell you are I think.
And, of course…
I’m not half as much under the affluence of incohol as you thinkle peep I am. I’ve only had tee martunis.
Used them myself on several occasions. The cops found them VERY amusing, let me tell you .
if at first you don’t succeed, fail fail again
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and if you do, I want every detail 