If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No sense making an ass of yourself.
If you can’t say anything nice about somebody, come sit next to me.
Don’t do anything I would do! ‘What’s left?’
Do you kiss your mother with that tongue?
A stitch in time will keep you from bleeding to death.
A penny saved is a penny for the fuse box.
Jesus Saves. He’s tired of losing his data during those rolling blackouts.
I had this up as a scrolling screensaver at work for a very long time:
"It’s no accident that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”.
My mother used to say this to me before a date:
“Be good. If you can’t be good, be careful.
If you can’t be careful: name it after me.”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
I love cats. They taste like chicken.
Why put off til tomorrow what you can put off til the day after tomorrow?
To err is human; to forgive, canine.
Does your nose run? Do your feet smell? If so, you’re built upside-down.
I always liked:
To err is human; to forgive, supine.
[sup]I should be able to post more once I can get home to my computer where I’ve stuff written down[/sup]
You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
I have not yet begun to give up the ship!
We’ll come on that bridge when we cross it.
Way to go, jr8, now I have “Rhythm Section Want Ad” stuck in my head (not really a bad thing).
Someone mentioned Dorothy Parker. Here’s another:
“I never liked a man I didn’t meet.”
(Dorothy Parker and the Vicious Circle is full of them.)
“My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.”
“You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.”
“There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as i advise.”
“I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”
And my all time favourite:
“A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.” 
Okay…if we’re going to go with real quotes instead of fractured ones, here’s two of my favourites that reflect my fractured personality.
“Have no truck with first impulses as they are always generous ones.”
“Cynicism is intellectual dandyism.”
anonymouse
Yahweh kicks butt, Jesus Saves and Chthulu thinks you would make a great sandwich.
One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh.
O
Vidi Vici Veni!
I felt sad because I had no shoes - then I met a man with no feet. “Hey” I said, “Got any shoes you don’t want?”
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then if he does not like your judgement, he is a mile away and barefoot.
Nothing is foolproof. Fools are too ingenious.
I once knew a guy who said things like: “There was a bunch of people writing bad checks, but Monkey Ward was the only one that prostituted them.” He also read a newspaper article that said Baltimore pulls three tons of derbis out of the harbor every week.
Possibly he was related to the woman who spoke of a relative who was a “sinus” who “spearminted” on guinea pigs. She didn’t know why they call them guinea pigs, unless it was because they spearminted on them.
Hey, this has been driving me nuts lately. In that song their is a dance break(?) and a pretty famous song plays. Do you know the name of that song? Please help it’s driving me nuts, I need to get the full version. Thanks
Wherever you go, there you are -Buckaroo Banzai
“If at first you don’t succeed - get a bigger hammer.”
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today - 'cause if you like it today, then you can do it again tomorrow.”
“A boob in the hand is worth two in the blouse.”
“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
One I’ve never quite understood:
“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t paint him pink.”
And my personal favorite:
“A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.”
You can lead a horse’s ass to water, but you can’t make him think.
Coito ergo sum.
Copying is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
If you can’t say something nice, say it twice.