Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over
Rover took over
For he had a bone of his own!
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe –
She had so many children
She didn’t know what to do;
But, try as she might,
She could never detect
Which was the cause,
And which the effect.
(Not mine, much though I wish it were – credit for this one goes to Piet Hein.)
Mary had a little lamb. That’s what she gets for sleeping in the barn!
Now, the version I know relating to (ahem) bears is:
Mary had a little bear
The bear was good and kind
And everywhere that Mary went
You’d see her bear behind
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each carrying a quarter
Jill came down with half a crown
And it wasn’t for fetching water
Not sure whom I heard it from, but sure didn’t come up with it.
Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?
I’ve been to London to see the Queen.
Pussycat, pussycat, what did you there?
Indulged in a bit of sub-cathedral rodent-intimidation.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two fifty.
~Andrew Dice Clay
And that is the mildest Andrew Dice Clay rhyme I’ve ever heard. He made nursery-rhymes-with-a-vulgar-twist his trademark.
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
Jack burned off his fuckin’ dick
Little boy blue, come blow your horn
The sheep’s in the meadow, the cow’s in the corn
Oh just stay where you are, I’m such a jerk
Blowing a horn at the livestock won’t work
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can
Roll it and pat it and mark it with a “B”
But please make sure that it’s gluten free.
Eeny, meeny miny moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
To a horrible death you’ll surely go
Eeny meeny miny moe.
Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie
When the pie was opened
A shrivelled blackbird sat
Saying “alright lads,
A joke’s a joke.
What rotten sod did that?”
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Not nearly as much as when Old MacDonald had a FARM…
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
So now they have a son
Let’s see how badly I can screw this one up.
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner covered in Christmas pie, armed with more, she did implore,
checking for plums my eye!
Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
Pease porridge back of fridge, blue-green mold.
Rose’s are red
Violet’s are blue
Mine are orange
What colour are yours?
I had a little nut-tree
And nothing would it bear
But a silver nutmeg
And a golden pear.
An erudite biologist
Proclaimed, “That cannot be”;
So I hanged him from the topmost branch
Of said nut-tree.
jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
jack fell down on top of jill and now they have a daughter …
Mary had a little lamb
a little pork, a little ham.