Ode to Shit

There’s nothing like a good shit- especially if you’ve secured the handicapped stall. I mean, you’re not a jerk for parking your ass in there, you don’t need a special permit or anything, and you won’t get a ticket from the poo-police.

But then, the wrong kind of shit comes along and fucks everything up. If you get the clean kind, it’s a one-wipe-and-go operation.

But what about when for some reason or another, one of the other kinds come along? I had a fucking hotdog for dinner last night! Does that really warrant the pasty, play-dough consistency (no, I haven’t actually molded it with my hands or anything), ass-putty that smears around like spackle trying to seal your ass up for some sort of ass renewal project? Is it fair to have to keep pushing your sleeves up as pre-emptive assurance that you won’t get anything on your shirt sleeves? Should we really be drawing on toilet paper like there’s a brown crayon poking out of our asses? Is it really fucking necessary for a shit of average volume to demand a double-flush?

I don’t think so. Here’s to bidets…

(The above message was a pointless rant brought on by too much caffeine and too little to do. I apologize to those who may feel I wasted theur time.) :wink:

Flushable baby wipes. You’ll never go back.

“Wet Ones” - my favorite flushable baby wipe. “Wet Ones” for those wet ones.

By the way, I had this horrible mental picture of a brown crayon sticking out of my ass… thanks for that.

I have pictures of some of my old Army friends like that. E-mail me for copies.

You know, I tend to avoid the handicapped stalls. There’s just something so open about them. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of my living room.

I feel way out of place in there.

When I’m pinching a loaf, I need some confinement to feel at ease.

(Another caffeine induced observation.)

Psyllium <martha stewart> It’s a good thing </martha stewart>

I think that your average volume of shit requiring 2 flushes problem is a case of simple physics : Floaters (ie .those with a specific density that is less than that of toilet bowl water) require an extra flush in my experience and Sinkers are easily disposed of with a single flush.What I really can’t stand though, is public stalls that don’t flush when you attempt to flush them or really fragile toilet paper…


Psyllium husk, a.k.a. Metamucil. It’s surprisingly effective.

Hi, my name is LNO, and I take a dietary fiber supplement…
(Hi, LNO!)

Made me laugh out loud, that did. Actually, I had one of those ass-putty shits last night. It was so disappointing. I usually have such good clean shits.

Do you ever get the Invisible Shit? It’s a subset of sinkers, and it exits your arse at such a velocity that it goes down and around the u-bend of its own accord. When you get up to flush, there’s nothing in the bowl except the toilet paper. It’s slightly unnerving the first time it happens - “I could have sworn I just had a shit. Where’d it go?”

What’s more, sugar-free Metamucil doesn’t taste bad, like so many sugar-free products do. I wouldn’t say it tastes real GOOD, but it’s not horrid. And my life would be more painful without it.

The worst, the absolute worst, are liquor shits. It might as well be jet fuel squirting out your ass and the stench is enough to make the next-door neighbors call the EPA.

Later this year some TP company is going to introduce “pre-moistened toilet paper” for your wiping pleasure. No more buying baby wipes for you! It’s TP that has been slightly moistened to give you comfortable wipes, every time. For some reason, though, I can’t remove from my mind the image of some schmuk walking into stalls every 10 minutes and dousing the roll of TP on the roller.

damn skippy…

also, occasionally when I buy a 12 pack of good beer (red hook, bass, harp, etc etc etc) I’ll be sitting in my den working on the `puter (the beer fridge is in the den too) and I’ll suddenly realize that half of that 12 pack is gone already… now it’s a challenge, gotta finish that 12 pack, can’t let it beat me. (hey I get competitive when I drink, so much so that I’m competing with an inanimate 12 pack…) the next day is NEVER pleasant… normally don’t buy beer for awhile after those mornings.

thank god married life prevents me from being that stupid very often…

Is that what that is?