"Of course I'll invite you." (a few days later) "Sorry, I ran out of room."

This happened a month or two ago, and I’m still a little annoyed by it, but I thought I’d put it out there and see if I really acted as childishly as I think I probably did, or if it was an appropriate response to rudeness.

There’s a swing dance venue in LA on Thursday nights (Lindygroove, for those in the scene) that gives away a great freebie birthday present. Whenever it’s your birthday, you get in free, and can bring 10 guests with you for free, too (as long as 5 of them are newbies). The only restriction is that you have to sign up a ways ahead of time, and specifically name the people who are coming with you. You can’t just show up and grab 10 random people.

There’s a group of us that semi-regularly drives down there to dance, and it’s sort of an unspoken agreement that, when our birthdays roll around, we get each other in for free (along with whoever new we bring along). So back a month or two ago, it was soon to be my friend Lucy’s birthday. She called me up a week before to see if I wanted to go, so she could put me on the list. One car was going down early to have dinner before dancing, but since I couldn’t get off work early enough, there was another car I could get a ride with going down later.

Come Thursday, I call up to work out ride logistics, and am informed that I didn’t make it onto the invite list. Apparently, she invited some other people. Some other, much less reliable people. And it turns out that they aren’t actually coming, so maybe I could just say I’m Bob at the door. “Sure,” I say, knowing that I won’t do that, partly because it feels cheap and partly because I’m pretty sure that Bob and I are regular enough customers that the guy at the door will recognize the not-so-fast one I’m trying to pull.

Now, the cover isn’t much. It costs as much or more in split gas to drive to Pasadena and back than it does to get in. And I make enough money that I don’t have to worry about going out dancing when I want to. But then, so do the people who flaked. I am mostly just annoyed that, after we’ve gone dancing many dozens of times, I’ve invited her to parties at my house, we drive down together often, apparently I don’t make the list. It also does not escape my notice that Bob is a more popular guy than I am. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m usually not insecure, but somehow this made me feel like I was being picked last for T-ball.

So I blew her off. I got invited to another party that night, and I went. I called Lucy up that evening, and wished her a happy birthday, but told her I was unable to make it. Sorry.

Ok, let the pile on begin.

I’m not piling on. I think you did the right thing, actually. I probably wouldn’t have handled myself as well. People sure can suck, can’t they? (And I totally know what you mean about the “being picked last for T-Ball” thing. I feel that way too, probably more than I should.)

(Ah… I miss swing dancing)

I probably would have done the same thing. But: I’ve always benefited from the time I actually brought it up (in a relaxed and friendly manner) with the friend.

Sometimes they don’t know that it’s something you care about. Sometimes you misinterpret the action. Sometimes it’s an honest mistake.

If I did something that pissed off someone that I valued, I definitely would want to know. I just wouldn’t want to be reamed out by them in the process.

I don’t understand what your expecting to get piled on for. She didn’t put you on the list. Whether or not you have the available funds to participate, the fact that she couldn’t be bothered to let you know is more than enough reason to make other plans.

I don’t know that I was really expecting it, but I’ve seen plenty of posts made by people who expected complete agreement and commiseration get turned around. So I thought I’d hedge my bets. And I know that my motivation, at the time, was less “I’m so terribly sorry. When I hadn’t heard from you, I made other plans” and more of a “Oh yeah, well then you’re not invited to my birthday party!” kind of thing.

I think pile-ons occur when someone sets up a situation - like yours above - and follows it with a huge over reaction. “So when we got inside, I called her a bitch and threw a drink in her face. Do you think I was out of line?” You called her - so nobody would be waiting around for you to show up; you wished her “happy birthday” - you didn’t pretend to have forgotten it. Seems fine to me.

I’m with the majority here; I think you did fine. And I also agree that being “picked last” sucks.

Though I must say, the above would have been a much more entertaining story. So next time, you need to throw a drink in her face, call her a bitch and then come and post about it. Feel free to adlib other fun details as you go.

It’s awfully hard to throw a drink at someone through a phone, but next time I’ll give it a shot.

<Looks around for the line of people waiting to pile onto iamthewalrus(:3= for being TOO DAMNED NICE. Sees no such line. Sheepishly slinks back out of thread.> :cool:

You’re not trying hard enough. :wink: