Preface: I am 17. Yes, I am acting like a child. I know it.
My friend is 19. He is dating a 14 year old. This bothers me for totally wrong reasons.
I find her annoying.
She doesn’t really like me.
There is just something inherently weird about a 19 year old dating someone five years younger in my mind. IN MY MIND. Don’t jump on me about that, I just find those relationships kinda strange.
He is spending 100% of his time with her.
Yes, I am acting petty and jealous. I am acting like a kid whose best friend just found a new friend. I can identify that. That doesn’t mean it’s going away. We used to talk about indie music. Now he talks about it with her. We also went to Hot Topic and did weird stuff together. Now he does that with her. Girl occupies his time that he could be wasting with me! I know that he has the right to have a life and date someone and have other friends. But I wanna feel some anger dammit! I know I am being posessive and childish. But, to say something probably overused, he was my friend before he was Girl’s friend.
Dammit, I miss doing dumb stuff with him. Now he has replaced me with a female version of me. One that kisses him.
I am also a big wary of the age difference. 14 years old is YOUNG. A 5 year gap between teenagers is a little more of an issue, than, say, a 5 year gap between 20-70 year olds. That’s how it is. And, as already mentioned, it’s potentially illegal.
I don’t blame you for being annoyed if this guy is ignoring you, an old friend. Am I getting that right? That he is not spending much time at all with you, now that she’s in the picture?
Women don’t like it when their friends have no time for them because of an SO, why should guys be any different? Friends are friends. If you want to keep them, you don’t ignore them - significant other notwithstanding.
yeah, we haven’t talked in a few weeks. I feel like I have been replaced. And while he hasn’t put James in the Giant Peach yet, some part of me thinks it’s only a matter of time. And no matter how mature a 14 year old is, she is not as mature as an 18 or 19 year old. It’s just really really weird.
Everything you are feeling is totally valid. But keep this in mind: Friendships always last longer than romantic relationships when you are a teenager. And they are more important. There’s just no way in hell that this 14 year old will stay with your buddy forever. She’s going to get annoying, or your friend will become annoying to her.
When I was 16, my best friend of 6 years starting dating a girl. I wass immediately cast aside. We used to spend our weekends together, then, an occasional weekend, then nuttin. But they broke up. It was a messy breakup as these things often are, and I found myself being the guy who listened to whom wail and cry over his broken heart. He got bored with his navel gazing, though, and starting being fun again. And we ended up being closer than ever before, because he realized that I had stood by him no matter what. I am 35 years old now, and that guy is still my best friend, despite wildly different political beliefs, lifestyle, what-have-you. The thing is, most teenagers are absolutely, 100% insane.
The point I want to make is that it is okay to be bummed, but his relationship isn’t going to last.
You’re doing a pretty good job of identifying your feelings here, red_dragon. Your friend shouldn’t ignore you, but new relationships do tend to get pretty intense for awhile. And yes, you basically have been replaced. Being only 19, your friend probably doesn’t realize yet that healthy adults have relationships as well as friendships, and don’t just pursue one at the expense of the other. An unbalanced life like that can leave you pretty lonely when a relationship doesn’t work out. So I guess what I’m trying to say is stick it out with your friend, hope he remembers you soon, and if he doesn’t, he’s not much of a friend anyway.
On the age issue, teen years are like dog years. The difference between 14 and 19 is huge. I can’t imagine what my mom would have said if I brought home a 19 year old when I was 14. Something along the lines of “Well, you’re not seeing HIM again.”, probably.
One of the things they have right on the radio show “Love Line” is telling teenagers, “Keep in mind that you’re not going to marry this person.”
I know of 1 person who married the girl he was dating as a teenager. Even the yearbook “sweethearts” of my senior class broke up. You simply change too much over that time for the relationship to take the strain. The odds that you’re dating someone who is whom you would have chosen once you are of respectable marrying age are verrrrrry small.
Warn your friend that if he doesn’t watch it, he’ll be a father by 20, and if married, probably divorced in 5 years. That, or he’s got other messes on his hands.
Plus, 14 year-olds simply are not ready for the kind of head rush that comes with sexual involvement. If he’s doing that to almost any extent, he’s really messing her up. She’ll almost certainly start fantasizing some 17-year old wedding, then about a year later, he’ll realize that they’re too different, and then she’s hosed.
