That’s not funny!
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
She moaned with the other.
Why did Helen Keller’s dog run out into traffic?
You’d do the same thing if your name was Mfrhmmfrd.
How did Helen Keller burn her face?
Bobbing for french fries.
What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Velcro.
Here’s one I can (proudly? Well, no) say I wrote myself, and actually resulted in the ending of friendships:
What’s the best part about molesting Jerry’s Kids?
They can’t run away.
What should you do if someone has an epileptic fit while taking a bath?
Throw in your dirty laundry.
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, “Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little more sensitive about them.”
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, “I’m sorry as hell man, but it wasn’t you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his pork scratchings in your neck.”
What does a man with a 14-inch penis have for breakfast?
This morning I was in a hurry, so I just had coffee.
You know, that’s just over the line. Stop it. I hate penis jokes. They make me feel a little inferior. Because I’m only about three inches.
But some women like it that wide.
What has six legs, six arms, six eyes, and six ears and screams “hodeedoe, hodeedoe, hodeedoe?”
Three black dudes running towards an elevator.
Jews at football game, yelling “Get the quarter back!”
Ah. Well then, penis jokes it is.
The 7-Up Penis
The UN-penis.
The AT&t Penis
Reach out and touch someone.
The Alka-Seltzer Penis
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is...
The All State Penis
You're in good hands.
The American Express Penis
Don't leave home without it.
The Army Penis
Be all that you can be.
The Bacardi Penis
Taste the feeling.
The Beatles Penis
Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Beavis Penis
Look! it's changing color!
The Beef Penis
It's what's for dinner.
The Bic Lighter Penis
Go ahead and flick my penis
The Big Red Penis
It's longer with big red.
The Borden Penis
It's GOT to be good.
The Borg Penis
Resistance is futile.
The Bounce Penis
With Static-Guard!
The Bounty Penis
The quicker picker-upper.
The Bud Lite Penis
Great taste, less filling.
The Budweiser Penis
This bud's for you
The Burger King Penis
Have it your way
The Butterfinger Penis
Nobody better lay a finger on my penis
The C & C Music Factory Penis
Makes you go hmmmmm...
The Cambells Soup Penis
Mmmm mmm good
The Captain Planet Penis
Go PENIS!!
The Champion Penis
The official penis of the 2012 USA Olympic team
The Charmin Double Roll Penis
It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The Charmin Penis
Don't squeeze the penis!
The Chevy Truck Penis
Like a rock!
The Chips Ahoy Penis
Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
The Citibank Visa Penis
It's everywhere you want to be.
The Cobain Penis
It blows itself away.
The Crest Penis
Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Dairy Queen Penis II
We treat you right!
The Dairy Queen Penis
Hot eats, cool treats
The Diet Coke Penis
Just for the taste of it...
The Domino's Pizza Penis
Delivers in 30 min or less
The Doublemint Penis
Chewing really satisfies.
The Dr. Pepper Penis
Wouldn't you like to be a penis too?
The Edge Shaving Cream Penis
Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Eggo Penis
Leggo my penis
The Energizer Penis
It keeps going and going
The Equal Penis
Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin Penis
It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra Penis
Lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis
10 million strong and growing
The Folger's Crystals Penis
It's freeze dried to seal in the freshness.
The best part of wakin up is a penis in your cup.
The Ford Penis
Built Ford tough
The Frosted Flakes Penis
They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The Generic Penis
One size fits all.
The George of the Jungle Penis
Watch out for that.......tree?
The Gilette Penis
The best a man can get.
The Heinz Penis
Good things come to those who wait.
The Highlander Penis
In the end, there can be only one.
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers Penis
"They're here already! You're next... YOU'RE NEXT!"
The Janet Jackson Penis
What have you done for ME lately?
The Jell-o Penis
Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
The Jewel Penis
Take a new look at an old friend.
The Jolly Green *Giant* Penis
Self-explanatory ~
The Juicyfruit Penis
The taste is gonna move ya.
The Kenny Rogers Penis
You've got to know when to hold 'em.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis
Everybody needs a little.
The Kix Penis
Kid tested, mother approved.
The Lava Lamp Penis
Hee hee hee!!!!!
The Lays Penis
Betcha can't eat just one.
The Life Call Penis
It's fallen and it can't get up.
The Life Penis
Mikey likes it.
The Life Savers Penis
Five fruity flavors.
The Little Caesar's Penis
Penis!! Penis!!
The Little Caesar's Penis
Pleaser!! Pleaser!!
The Lucky Charms Penis
They're magically delicious
The McDonald's Penis II
Have you had your break today?
The McDonald's Penis
Over 8 billion served.
The Macintosh Penis
Power is everything.
The M&M Penis
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The Magnavox Penis
Smart. Very Smart.
The Mazda Penis
It just feels right.
The Maxwell House Penis
Good to the last drop
The Micro Machines Penis
A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Milk Penis II
Got penis?
The Milk Penis
It does a body good.
The Mortal Kombat Penis
Nothing can prepare you.
The Mr. Clean Penis
Is it wet or is it dry?
The Neon Penis
Hi.
The Nike Penis
Just do it.
The Nintendo Penis
Now you're playing with power.
The Nuprin Penis
Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil Penis
The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burning, so you can rest penis.
The Payday Penis
Its almost totally nuts!
The Pizza Hut Penis
Makin' it great.
The Pringles Penis
Once you pop, you can't stop
The Purdue Chicken Penis
More meat, less bone.
The Ragu Penis
Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Raid Penis
Kills bugs dead.
The Rave Music Penis
Ya'll ready for this?
The Reese's Penis
How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies Penis
What does your penis say to you?
The Rick James Penis
It's superfreaky.
The Right Guard Penis
Anything less is uncivilized
The Robitussin Penis
Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin Penis II
Recommended by Dr. Mom...
The Rush Limbaugh Penis
Bald and fat.
The Sears Penis
Come see the brighter side of penis.
The Secret Penis
Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Sega Penis
PENIS!
The Skittles Penis
Taste the penis
The Snickers Penis
It satisfies you.
The Sony Play Station Penis
You are not ready.
The Sprite Penis
Image is nothing... Taste is everything. Obey your Penis.
The Star Wars Penis
Use the penis, Luke!
The Starburst Penis
The juice is loose.
The Subway Penis
Where fresh is the taste
The Swiss Miss Penis
The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The Timex Penis
Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin
The Tombstone Penis
What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis
How many licks DOES it take...?
The Toyota Penis
I love what you do for me.
The Transformers Penis
It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis
It makes mouths happy.
The Uncle Sam Penis
We want you.
The Virginia Slims Penis
You've come a long way, baby.
The Wendy's Penis
Where's the beef?
The Wonder Bubbles Penis
Magic wand inside!
The Wonder Bubbles Penis II
For ages 3 and up
The Yellow Pages Penis
Let your fingers do the walking.
The Rolaids Penis
It spells relief
The Mylanta Penis
My Doctor said my penis
The Stick-Ups Penis
Stick it to em with penis!
The NBC News Penis
Now more than ever..
The Jello Penis
There's always room for penis
The Pork Penis
The other white meat
The Grand Prix
Wider is Better
The Colgate Penis
Now that's something to smile about
The Hamburger Helper Penis
makes a great meal!
The Coco Puff Penis
you'll go cuckoo for penises.
The Taco Bell Penis
make a run for the penis.
The Wheaties Penis
the breakfast of champions.
Exxon Penis
Put a penis in your tank
Lucent Penis
We make the things that make penises work
Ocean Spray Penis
Crave the Penis
Staples Penis
Yeah, we got penisHow many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
- 4 in the seats and 1000 more in the ashtray.
Why was Helen Keller a virgin?
Her parents got her a seeing eye dog and a hearing ear dog, but couldn’t find a fucking cunt dog.
How do you piss off Helen Keller?
Clean answer:
Rearrange the furniture.
Not-so-clean answer:
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Geez, Joe Frickin Friday. That post was really really long.
Like my penis.
*CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________
- Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
- Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn’t cut?
- Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
- Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
- Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW’s and 3 4x4’s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
- Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
- If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
- Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang hasn’t Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable “rhythm method” of birth control? *
What’s teh best thing about a blowjob off an Ethiopian chick?
You know she’ll swallow.
And one for good luck…
Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don’t fucking listen!
Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say?
A: “Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?”
Enough with the penis jokes!
Top Penis Movies
Honey, I Shrunk My Penis
It’s the Great Penis, Charlie Brown
Stop, or My Penis Will Shoot
Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Penis
Who’s Harry Penis
Not With My Penis, You Don’t
Tell them Penis Boy is Here
The Penises are Coming, The Penises are Coming
Penn and Teller Get Penis
Big Penis for the Little Lady
Pardon Mon Penis
On Her’s Majesty’s Secret Penis
Mr. Mike’s Mondo Peniso
The Man With Bogart’s Penis
The Man with one Red Penis
The Tall Blond Man With One Black Penis
Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Penis
Love With the Proper Penis
George Carlin— Playin’ with Your Penis
To Wong Foo, Thanks For Penis, Julie Newmar
Can I Do it 'til I Need Penis?
Penishead Revisited
Big Girls Don’t Cry…They Get Penis
The Favor, the Watch, and the Very Big Penis
JoJo Dancer, Your Penis is Calling
The Last Action Penis
Die Hard with a Penis
A Hard Penis’ Night
Hard Penis to Hawaii
Seven Brides for Seven Penises
A Clear and Present Penis
The Englishman who Went up a Penis and Came
Au Revior, Le Penis
Long Day’s Penis into Night
Quackser Fortune has a Penis in the Bronx
Looking for Mr. Goodpenis
Bring me the Penis of Alfredo Garcia
Penis on a Hot Tin Roof
Alan Quartermain and the Lost Penis of Gold
Willy Wonka and the Penis Factory
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Penis
Winnie the Pooh and Penis, Too
Penis in a Girl’s Dormitory
Manos, The Penis of Fate
Under the Cherry Penis
A Penis Grows in Brooklyn
The Unbearable Lightness of Penis
The Long, Hot Penis
Revenge of the Pink Penis
Promise her Penis
The Penis Always Rings Twice
Big Penis Pee-Wee
Big Penis in Little China
Peggy Sue Got Penis
Penis Beach Party
Ferris Bueller’s Penis Off
On a Clear Day, You Can See Penis
An Officer and a Penis
One Penis in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
Oh Penis, Poor Penis, Mamma’s Hung You in the Closet and I’m Feeling so Sad
The Night the Penis Went Out in Georgia
Night of the Living Penis
The Penis that Roared
Much Ado About Penis
My Dinner With Penis
My Favorite Penis
The Muppets Take Penis
The Milagro Penis War
The Penis Who Loved Cat Dancing
The Man Who Loved Cat Penis
The Penis Who Had Power over Women
The Penis They Could not Hang
The Man who Loved Penis
The Discreet Penis of the Bourgeoisie
The Penis of the Finzi-Continis
Extraordinary Adventures of Mr Penis in the Land of the Bolsheviks
Let’s Penis Jessica to Death
I Was a Penis for the FBI
The Penis is a Lonely Hunter
The Greatest Penis on Earth
The Penis According to St. Matthew
Gentlemen Prefer Penis
Edward Penishands
Don’t Raise the Penis, Lower the Water
The Day the Penis Stood Still
The Cook, the Thief, His Penis, and Her Lover
Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Penises
Blame it on Penis
Attack of the 50 Foot Penis
Not really offensive, but one of my favorites:
An elderly couple gets married, and are about to consummate their marriage after saving themselves for the entire length of their courtship. The woman has a heart condition, which she’s never told her new husband, and she’s a bit worried because she knows her heart will be racing while in the throes of passion.
They get undressed, and the foreplay begins. The woman’s heart rate increases, and she gets nervous, so she decides to warn her husband.
“I should tell you, I have acute angina,” she says.
“That’s good,” the man replies, “because you have the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen!”
How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.
If I have five apples, and Derek takes three, what color is Derek?
What’s the difference between a black man and a large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four