I adore this thread. But this is the first joke that actually made me goofily guffaw out loud. Hahaha! I don’t know why this one got me.
A white girl was fed up with bad sex with her Caucasian boyfriends. One day, she decided that she would go to a bar on the other side of town, find the biggest black dude that she could find, bring him back to her apartment and have sex all night with him.
So she enters the bar and walks up to the biggest black guy and asks him how he would perform in bed with her. He gives her a detailed description of exactly how he would treat her, and she’s convinced.
They have a couple of drinks and head back to her place. She jumps on her bed, rips off her clothes and says: “Okay, now do what you do best!”
So he grabs her TV, breaks into her car and drives away.
Hey, you asked for offensive!
Post #76 is cracking me up, but penis doesn’t seem like a real word anymore…
One to change the light bulb, three to deconstruct the objectification of the socket, and one to secretly wish she were the socket.
What has 1000 arms and legs, and is 3 feet tall?
A Haitain apartment building.
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you know when it’s time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it’s not time.
You know why Helen Kellers socks smell like pee? Her dog is blind, too.
Its the mid-1930’s, and a good ol’ Texas boy is hitchhiking to Abilene. Lord alone knows why, but that’s not the point of the story…
Anyway, he’s going along like this and a pretty nice car slows and picks him up, driven by a well-dressed gentleman of obvious prosperity and the sort of self-satisfaction that’s only fear is that you might not notice. They go along for a few miles, and the drivers asks the good ol’ boy “So, what political party do you favor?” And the good ol’ boy answers truthfully “Well, sir, I’m a Democrat and a union man!”
The driver pulls over and demands that the good ol’ boy get out of his car. Which he does. A while later, much the same scenario is repeated, he is asked his politics, he answers truthfully and is told to get out.
A while later, a convertible comes a long with an astonishingly good looking woman driving, who invites him to ride. As they are going along, she bats her eyes flirtaciously and asks “So, cutie, which party do you belong to?” The good ol’ boy reflects on his recent experiences, and decides that discretion is advisable, so he decides to fib. “Well, mam, I’m a Republican.”
She coos excitedly and shuffles her shapely legs about until her dress rises a few inches above her knee…
“What party did you say?” she breathes…
He gulps, but manages to stammer…
“I’m a Republican!”
She hikes her knees up a bit, and her dress has risen almost to the point where he can see the Hanging Gardens and the Jade Gate and he screams “Pull over! Pull over and let me out! Now!”
“Why, darlin’? What’s the matter?”
“I’ve only been a Republican for two minutes, and already I want to screw somebody!”
A park bench, occupied only by one small, very grumpy looking old Jewish man. Enter an equally old and frail Chinese man, who occupies the opposite end of the bench and prepares to feed the pigeons. The old Jewish man squints at him through glasses thicker than my penis!.. Excuse, he peers through the thick lenses, reaches for his cane and thwacks the old Chinese guy across the knees, crying out loud, “This, for you, for bombing Pearl Harbor!”
The old Chinese man rubs his knees in pain, and then the ridiculousness of his situation works its way into his mind, and he turns and shouts at the old Jewish man:
“You white-boned turtle headed ghost! I’m not Japanese, I’m Chinese, and it was the Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor!”
The old Jewish guy shrugs and answers with sublime indifference:
“Japanese, Chinese, Burmese… what difference does it make?”
The old Chinese guy takes a minute to fully absorb the stupidity, sitting stunned. An idea occurs to him, he takes his cane and thwacks the old Jewish guy firmly across the knees and screams:
“That for sinking the Titanic!”
“Oww! You stupid putz, it was an iceberg sank the Titanic!”
“Iceberg, Weissberg, Goldberg…what difference does it make?”
Sven and Ole go deer hunting, and they get seperated. Ole hears a rustling in the bushes and thinking its a deer, he fires, and hits Sven!
Hours later, at the hospital operating room, the doctor comes out…
“Doctor! Doctor? How is Sven? Is he going to be all right?”
“Well, he would have had a lot better chance if you hadn’t dressed him out!”
Did you hear about the lesbian carpentry collective? No studs, no nails, everything tongue and groove.
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.
Perhaps their voices were muffled.
Whats an Aggie seven course dinner? A six pack of Pearl and a possum.
What was Cardinal Roger Mahoney’s first title within the church?
Roger the Altar Boy.
Dick Cheney calls 911.
“Shit, goddamnit, I just killed a man, shot him in the face with a fucking shotgun! Now what the fuck do I do?”
“Don’t panic, sir, don’t panic. First thing is, are you sure he’s dead?”
“Hold on a sec…” BANG!…
“OK, now I’m sure. What’s next?”
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Mercedes Benz?
Traditional Punchline
I don’t have a Mercedes in my garage.
Alternate Punchline
My Mercedes still has that “new car” smell.
Bob: I got a new plasma TV! The picture is sweet!
Bill: Yeah? How well does it handle blacks?
Bob: It’s bolted to the wall, so they’d really have to try.
ok here goes
a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.
the bartender looks at him and says"thats pretty cool,where did you get it?"
the parrot answers"africa they’re all over the fucking place"
Can one single post offend everyone in America? I’ll try.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.
Why was Christa McAuliffe’s husband walking along the beach?
He was looking for a piece of ass.
A black guy and a hispanic guy are in a car, who’s driving?
The cop.
What happened to the Asian guy who ran into the wall with an erection?
He broke his nose.
What’s white and 14 inches long?
Nothing.
So this guy, lives way out in the 'burbs, and his two adjacent neighbors move away, and he gets two new ones. Some time passes, and he notices his neighbor on the right is out in his yard, so he decides to introduce himself. All goes well, then he asks his new neighbor what it is he does…
“Well, I’m a teacher at the University, in cognitive psychology, I’m working on a paper on inductive reasoning”
“I’m not familiar with that, what does it mean?”
“Its a common approach to categorizing and…well, for an example, I notice you have a doghouse, from which I can inductively reason that you are a heterosexual.”
“Well, yeah, but what does the doghouse have to do with it.”
“Doghouse usually means the dog is a kids pet, therefore you have kids. Therefore, you most likely have a wife, and therefore most likely heterosexual. Simple, really.”
Anyway they chat like this for a while, friendly and gregarious, and then go back to their houses.
Next day, he sees his other neighbor out in his yard, and approaches him. They get to talking and the new neighbor inquires about the other new neighbor.
“Oh, he’s a professor, he teaches inductive reasoning.”
“Never heard of it, whats that?”
“Well, for instance, do you have a doghouse?”
“No, no I don’t.”
“Fucking homo!”