Oh god...Why do I do this?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been really messed up lately. I’ve been crying at work a lot. I don’t know if anyone’s noticed. I fear that my boss and co-workers do notice, and that they’re talking about me behind my back and will soon reach a conclusion and say, “Rilch, you don’t seem very happy here…maybe you should stay home and work out whatever’s bothering you.” I keep going over the same horrible memories. I want to go back in time and bludgeon my mom to death. Then I remember all the other people who have hurt me unnecessarily, and I feel worthless.

Mr. Rilch has been away for three weeks. Before that he was home for one week, during most of which I had my period, and before that, he was away for nine weeks. I miss him so much I think I’m going to disintegrate. He called this evening, and for once, he was sober. He doesn’t drink; I drink, but his co-workers have been getting him loaded almost every night. I don’t like that, because he doesn’t hold his liquor the way I do; he gets incoherent very easily, and it’s no comfort to talk to a loved one who just keeps saying, “I’m drunk, sweetie…did I tell you I’m drunk?” I hope to hell he doesn’t continue this when he gets back. I can’t drink, because of the medication I’m on, but I think I should stay sober anyway when he drinks.

The only time I’m not depressed is when I’m writing. I finished a story Sunday night that I’d been working on for days, and it wasn’t depressing. I went over it with a fine-tooth comb, and I gave up other things (like the board) because I just felt compelled to finish. Also, I’m not depressed when I’m high. That’s not contraindicated, although it’s probably not safe. But nothing bad has happened yet. However, I’m trying to only do that on the weekends, because I don’t want to get completely dependent on it. I have some anti-depressants from a little less than a year ago, but I don’t know if they’re safe with my current medication.

And that brings me to another point. This afternoon, I called the doctor’s office, and I was rude. No denying it. Just that she (the receptionist) was the third person that day who’d put me on hold, and I was fed up. Also, the info they sent me was quite vague, and they straight up lied to me about the clinic hours. But the bottom line is, I can’t call again and ask about anti-depressants. I just get to feeling that no one ever shows me any consideration, so the only way to get what I want is to show my ass. Then I realize I’ve burned yet another bridge behind me. Why can everyone else get away with being a jagoff, but not me?

And I am so out of shape. My tummy is so big, I’d think I was pregnant, except that I know I couldn’t have gotten this big in three weeks. I’m not fat, I just have no muscle tone at all, and I can only wear big skirts. I’ve got to cut out all the garbage I’ve been eating. I don’t want Mr. Rilch to come back and see that I’ve let myself go to this extent, but I’ve only got nine days, and that’s a lost cause.

I’m really sorry, guys. I’m sorry I don’t post in the sympathy threads. I just figure, who wants to hear from me? I know it’s wrong to post this when I never have any advice for anyone else, but this is why I never have any advice for anyone else.

2

Rilch,

If it’s any help, many of us are or have been in similar circumstances.

I sympathize with you greatly as I know the pain and the horrific feelings you are experiencing.

As I would say to anyone else, please seek some help. If you truly feel you can’t call back to the doc’s office at this time at least seek out a friend, a relative or even a therapist.

You very much sound like have been in the past. As for the meds you currently have in your medicine cabinet, please do not take them until you are under the care of a physician. If your current physician is not who you want to seek help with then find another one.

Please know that we are here for you if you need it.

Screw the weight issue at the moment, as difficult as that sounds. You need to focus on your mental health at this time.

{{{{{Rilch}}}}}

Please, if you need an ear, we are here for you. I am not the greatest email person but if you need to unload email me anytime.

3

((((((((((((((Rilchiam))))))))))))))

Rilchiam, sweetie, it’s not wrong to post this without first posting to sympathy threads. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on right now, and I can’t imagine anyone thinking to themselves, “Gee, Rilch didn’t tell me she felt bad about my problems. She must be selfish and uncaring and generally icky.” You can’t expect to take care of other people when you’re having difficulty taking care of yourself. Trust me on this one.

Please, please, please don’t apologize for posting this. Don’t ever feel sorry about telling people you’re not doing well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my short time at the SDMB, it’s that people here want to help and to support those of us who are having a rough time. Use us! That’s what we’re here for! :smiley:

I don’t have any advice to give (if you were even looking for that), but if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to e-mail me.

Jessica

4

Thank you, both of you, and anyone who posts to this thread in the future. I’ve been referred to another MD (that’s the info I was calling to get) and I’ll ask her.

I should mention here that I wasn’t talking about taking an overdose; just a daily dose.

Also, I know you said forget the weight issue…but if I could just motivate my fat butt onto some exercise equipment, it might work off some of the depression. I guess the main problem is that Mr. Rilch has been away so long, I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t create the illusion of company. Like going online, where I can “talk” to people, or writing, where I can create people, or being high, where deejays on the radio seem to be talking to me personally.

Anyway, I feel a tad better.

5

Rilchiam,

I’m really bad at advice. It comes out sounding like a bunch of tired cliches, so I won’t even try. However, if it helps, there is at least one stranger sitting at his computer who is concerned for you and hopes the clouds clear away soon. (See, told you. Cliches always sneak in.) I’ve consistently enjoyed your posts for the past year and more, for their intelligence and unique sense of humor. We need you here.

Oh, and breaking my own rule … just apologize to the receptionist. I’ve found that people actually are nicer to you after you’ve mistreated them and then apologized, than if you hadn’t mistreated them in the first place. It makes you more real or something. (As long as the apology is sincere.) Don’t use it as an excuse not to get the medical information you need.

6

I’ll concur about the apology to the receptionist. I’ve no doubt that you’re a kind and giving person, and said apology would most certainly make you feel a little bit better.

Incidentally, I don’t think you need to apologize for posting to sympathy threads, but I’d personally urge you (and everyone else) to do so. I’ve long since given up on being able to say anything really profound or wise in these threads (or anywhere else, for that matter) , but yet I do think posting supportive words helps the OP in a small way. And I personally am a strong believer in giving back for the times that you need support. (Mind you, this comes from someone who hasn’t yet posted a sympathy thread for himself)

I really hope things get better with you. Incidentally, I know you’re from LA and do hope to meet you at a future LA doperfest!

7

{{{Rilchiam)))

Another stranger here with nothing original to add, but my heart goes out to you & I hope your new doc works out. Apologise to the receptionist…she’ll be so surprised & warmed by that I bet she’ll be really nice about it!

Take a walk, talk to friends, do whatever will make you feel better & motivated. Take care of yourself.

8

(((Rilchiam)))

Please add my sympathy and support to the other warm and wonderful people on this board who care about you. You can’t do this alone, Rilch, and if you have no one else to turn to, you have all of us. I hope you continue to reach out. You’re taking a good step going to a doctor. Keep taking those good steps. You deserve to feel better. You are a special and valuable person. Keep us updated! We care.

9

{{{rilch}}}

I too won’t try to give you answers (invariably using cliches). But the fact you’ve identified the problem as a problem is a great start. An apology to the receptionist represents a tangible rejection of your behaviour as well as being polite and deserved.

I wish I could help more. Have faith in yourself. You’re a good person. Don’t judge yourself on aberrations. We’ll be here for support.

10

You poor thing! I don’t know the story behind everything - I don’t spend enough time on the Board. But, I’m thinking of you and hope things get better for you soon. Hope your hubby can come home and spend some time with you.

For what it’s worth, I went through a period of depression last year and the thing that really helped me through it was to go out running. Even if I didn’t feel like it, I’d go out and just run until I was pooped. It really made a difference.

Hope things get better for you soon!

11

Thank you, again!

As far as the “problem”…I had a seizure, actually two. One was just before Mr. Rilch came home the first time, and the second was the same night he came home. That’s why I’m taking Dilantin, and I think it might be one reason why I’m so high-strung. In fact, I told the doc that, but he said to keep taking the Dilantin in the hope that this, and the itching I’ve been having (I mean serious itching, like fire ants) will pass on. I’m scheduling tests now to see what the deal is. Personally, not that I have a medical degree or anything, I don’t think I have epilepsy. I’ve been around plenty of strobe lights, and the last time I had an EEG it came back clean. But I have to find out what the deal is, if for no other reason than I want my license back.

I will apologize to the receptionist…I just have to get up the nerve!

12

Depression! Liquor! Drugs! This is right up my alley! :wink:

Where do I start? Yeah, apologize to the receptionist–she won’t be surprised when you ask about the anti-depressants. Wife is medical and is saying, “Tell her that it made my day when people apologized–I was used to abuse! You can’t last three days in that job unless you realize that sometimes people have bad days.”

Quit worrying about Hubby. He’s a big boy and has to learn the lesson he is hopefully learning by himself. Unfortunately. Although a little encouragement in the right direction won’t hurt. Mine came in the form of an ultimatum–quit drinking or move out. (Like the joke goes, first you have to get their attention.)

How can I emphasize this enough? LIQUOR AND REEFER AND DILANTIN OR ANTIDEPRESSANTS DON’T MIX!!! Not even on weekends. The shit is a depressant and will counteract the drugs you NEED to take.

Strobes only trigger seizures when they flash at specific frequencies. EEGs sometimes can’t find epilepsy unless a siezure is taking place or has recently. OTOH, I haven’t had a siezure in forty years.*

Exercise is GOOD for depression! I’m going out as soon as I’m done here. It is what got me through my last big episode–the one that convinced me that I needed more than exercise to survive.

Sympathy threads are also GOOD! Especially if you are alone and feeling really, really awful. Keep talking with us; email me if you want an empathetic, and discrete, ear. I check it several times a day.

    • Dilantin and Pheno-Barbitol used* to mix. It’s what they had in '59. Mom asked, “Do you remember kindergarten?” “No,” I replied. “I’m not surprised,” she said.
13

Rilchiam

I am so sorry things are so rough for you right now. There are a lot of very good and supportive things being said here, and I really don’t have much to add.

I just want you to continue to realize what a good and worthwhile person you are. Make yourself a list of all your wonderful qualities (and I know you have a ton) and everytime you start feeling like you are a hopeless mess, read your list over and over again until you start to believe it. I know that sounds trite, but believe me. It works.

(((((((Rilchiam))))))

Feel better soon!

Scotti

14

Let’s start that list now!

Rilchiam is very sweet and has always been nice to me.

15

Thank you, drop, but I want to clarify something. I’m not drinking while I take the Dilantin, just toking. I saw what happened to my sister when she mixed alcohol and pills, and I’m not going to court that. Weed, on the other hand…well, it’s not a depressant, is it? It’s not a hallucinogen…what the heck is it?

Mr. Rilch isn’t an alcoholic, either. It’s like this: in high school, he didn’t drink because he was in training. In college, he shed the jock persona and became a straightedge, so he didn’t drink then, either. In the seven(!) years we’ve been together, he hasn’t had more than one drink at a time, except on New Years, at weddings, and once when he felt he had to get loaded to get on a plane. I don’t think this is a problem drinker…yet. What I fear is that now he’s discovered that it’s possible to get wasted without the world coming to an end, he’ll keep doing it until something bad does happen. But I may be projecting. When he gets back, his co-workers won’t be with him, and he won’t be able to walk to a bar, like he can in Seattle, so the temptation won’t be there. Anyway, he said he knows how much I love my whiskey, so he won’t frustrate me by drinking in front of me.

Funny that you mention strobes, because one of my co-workers theorized that I can’t be epileptic, on the grounds that I used to go to clubs that had strobes and drum machines, and never had a seizure. Hm.

16

It acts as a depressant. It is also in my Golden Guide to Hallucinogenic Plants, one of the stranger books to come out of the seventies, but it isn’t really a hallucinogen. But it isn’t recommended with the “Vitamin P” I take. Nothing that is psychoactive is. Never mix, never worry, as they say.

I’m glad that hubby isn’t an alky–I wasn’t really suggesting he was but you and I are both apparently concerned about the negative results that can come from his current lifestyle. Once he’s back he should be fine, but it’s not fun imagining him embarassing himself in front of all those co-workers, isn’t it?

::deep breath:: What you have to do is concentrate on getting you well. Like I said, hubby can take care of himself. Tell your doctor about your pot and your whiskey and let him tell you the true facts (versus my “street knowledge”) about potential interactions. But until you do, take extra special good care of yourself. Treat yourself like the precious person you are. And keep talking.

{{{{{rilchiam}}}}}

17

You’ve got lot’s of friends here, at 3FMB, on m.f.s-d, and back on the old General Questions board (I think you can still get there?).

How soon until Mr. Rilch comes home? Any chance either you or he can arrange a weekend using SouthWest Airlines or another of the cheaper outfits?

(You could also make it a point to ask him to stay sober “tomorrow” “just for me” and see if he’ll give it a try. (If his buddies win, it does NOT mean he doesn’t love you of course, but you might feel better if he can stay straight for one night.))

Good luck.

18

Hi Tom! Yeah, I know I should visit 3F more often…but it’s kind of intimidating. There are so many forums, and I wouldn’t know which one is right for me. Here, I like MPSIMS, IMHO and the Pit. What are the equivalents on Fathom?

Mr. Rilch comes home a week from tomorrow, so I’m counting down.

Making a fool of himself in front of his mates is exactly what I don’t have to worry about. I’ve been with them, drinking, when Mr. Rilch was designated-driving, and they have kind of a support system where, if one of them gets a silly idea, like getting into a drinking game or calling someone they despise to give them what for, the others will talk him out of it, or physically prevent him if necessary. That’s why I fear him developing a tolerance for alcohol: because he could get pretty deep into the bottle without having any of the mishaps that scare people away from liquor. But as I say, I’m probably projecting too much. A lot of people combat homesickness with alcohol, and as I said, he knows I can’t drink now.

19

Is there a chance that you may be pregnant. The timing seems about right. Crying jags and mood swings were the first things I noticed every time I was pregnant, even before morning sickness and missed periods.

just a thought…

20

You know, I’ve been wondering the same thing. I’m sort of having a period, but I’m bleeding only a tiny bit.

OTOH, I’m also tiny, and I think if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t be discharging at all, because the little one would need every gram of nourishment it could get. Also, I started the Dilantin at the beginning of this cycle, so that might be the obstacle. Maybe I should get a drugstore kit, after this phantom period is over.