…
Another vote for not sending it.
**By all means, write it. Get it off your chest. Re-read it a couple of times.
Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel about it.**
Then store it away somewhere until you feel like deleting it.
But don’t send it.
Look, I went through hell. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. Stuff that has scarred me to this day (and I’m 45).
My father is incapable of giving me the approval that I need. I recognize this, I accept it, even though it still bothers me.
Every time I try to talk to him about the problems in my life, he toes the company line, he takes a Devil’s Advocate position. Which seems to be what you are experiencing. The only thing I’ve learned from it is that I cannot discuss my problems with my father unless I’m looking to become frustrated and angry.
*I think that’s where you need to adjust your expectations. The man cannot give you what you want from him. He is who and what he is and he will not change because you demand something else from him. He will only be hurt and alienated by your ‘accusations’. He will not see that he deserves it, he will not change because of them.
He cannot give you what you want from him.
So YOU are the one who must change your expectations of this relationship.*
I was thinking a little more about this, and I think by sending this letter, you’re continuing the dysfunctional dance you and your dad have developed together. If you want out of the dance, you have to stop dancing.
Look, I’ve been thinking about this thread and thought I could give some advice without the criticism. I know what it’s like to have a kid that just won’t stop pitching a fit. And I know what it’s like to doubt my maternal skills, especially in the face if a kid that just won’t stop.
Here’s my suggestion: when he gets like that see if you can pull him into your lap and hold him, not forcefully, but strongly, and pat his head or his back and whisper. Sing. Shush. Whatever is calming. Offer a drink of cool water and gently wipe his face with a rag.
I know people may say this is “giving in” to the tantrum but after an hour I don’t really see where he’s going to get any control over it himself and by that point you are just allowing both of you to be tortured. Honestly, I don’t think I’d even wait an hour. I can usually tell the point where mine goes from “tantrum to get what I want” to “out of control mess that needs direction” and pick him up then.
Toddlers have a lot of frustration over learning new things and they just don’t know how to let it all out so by the end of the day, sometimes they are just damn mad.
Finally, the “little bastard” comment. Yes, I’ve said things in jest about my kids I would not want taken out of context. My husband and I weren’t married when our son was born so we have, in fact, called him a bastard before. I have had times where my husband has called and asked what’s up and I’ve replied that I’m thinking of putting the kids in the trunk if they don’t behave. But it’s always been done in jest and I just didn’t get that tone from your OP. That’s why the outrage at your threatening to put him on the porch. It seemed less lighthearted, and more desperate.
Avarie, I can see you’re hurting - I know it’s tough. And I feel bad for you. But please, please, please - take Giraffe’s advice - the edited email that was put forth is one that’s constructive, not destructive - and that’s the position that will be most helpful to BOTH of you. Please don’t send the original email - it will do nothing but make things much much worse.
And unfortunately, I’ve learned that once you say something that hurtful, you can’t ever, EVER take it back. I’d hate for you to be in that position.
The content of your proposed email says a lot more about your own emotional problems that your fathers. I doubt your father would read more than a few sentences before hitting delete - the equivalent of putting the phone down on you.
Don’t send it. Take it to your therapist and show them.
I never really had the intention of sending it - I just had to get it off my chest. I know that it wouldn’t do any good, and that would only frustrate me further. So instead, I sent it to my husband for him to read.
I took it to my appointment tonight, and while I didn’t read it word for word, I went over the gist of it with her. And then I asked “how I do I avoid this in the future?” We talked about restricting the time spent with him, the choice in whether or not to answer the phone when he calls, and developing a mindset and a set of behaviors that only apply to him (because normal social interations just don’t work with a narcissist). We also discussed cognitive behavior therapy, for this in specific and my depression in general, and she suggested a book - “Children of the Self-Absorbed.”
FWIW, Spencer’s screaming fit took place in the middle of the night - from 2:00 to 4:00 AM. So I was super-frustrated by this particular “fit” because it ruined any chance of me or my husband getting a decent night’s sleep. I would never do anything like stick him on the porch, but it’s almost like a sad attempt at humor in the middle of a stressful situation, you know? And for me, frustration eventually turns to anger, which is why the “little bastard pissed me off.” It’s not like I did anything to him - I was just so wrung out that there was no patience left and I was at the end of my rope. The only thing left for me to do st that point is put him in his crib and walk away. (Which doesn’t work - he just cries louder and harder and bangs around.) Thankfully, my husband was able to get him back to sleep, with a little help from 1/4 teaspoon of Benadryl.
I was once involved in a very dysfunctional dance with my Dad. I was angry and resentful and knew he wouldn’t hear me, in fact couldn’t possibly.
Then someone pointed out to me that in each person live two selves. One is filled with lovingkindness, compassion and calm cool headedness. The other is filled with anger and resentment and bitterness, always striking out at others. They told me the two are always battling for dominance. When I asked who would win, I was told, “the one you feed!”
This little conversation was instrumental in me turning the corner into a better way. I hope you find your way and wish you the best of luck.
To tell the truth, Averie, it looks exactly like you were planning on sending this (Your Title - "Ok - this time I’ll ask what you think before I send the email ). I’m sure you were hoping to get lots of support for this cathartic outpouring. But it sounds to me like your dad has done nothing wrong. He might not be saying waht you want to hear, but it doesn’t sound terribly toxic. It your parents didn’t abuse you, you might give them the benefit of the doubt and figure they did the best parenting they knew how to do, whether or not it was what you think you needed. Get over it. You’re experiencing right now that it’s not so easy to be a parent.
Frankly, it concerns me that, instead of dealing with your son and his tantrum, you walked away (better than hitting or shaking him, of course) and your husband drugged the kid so you could go back to sleep. It’s too bad he interrupted your sleep, but kids will do that. Giving them a soporific allergy drug to make them sleep isn’t the way most people deal with it.
StG
Avarie, did you ever find out what was wrong your child? If he’s old enough, he may have had a case of night terrors. I agree that I would hold off on the Benadryl until you find out exactly what’s wrong, particularly if your child is especially young, though I can understand the temptation. (I often joke about putting a stamp on our child’s forehead and sitting him out with the mail. The mental image gives me a chuckle when I’m particularly stressed out and brings my tension levels down a little.)
Also, what did you do when your kid first started screaming? I’m not asking to criticize, I’m just curious. If you take different steps next time, things might turn out differently or at least you might find you’re able to calm your son down sooner.
Next time your little one has a bad night, maybe you could hand him off to your husband sooner rather than later. It may seem counterproductive (you may have been thinking, “At least one of us gets to sleep through the night,”), but if it’s a question of saving your sanity and getting your son to calm down more quickly (kids relax better with a relaxed parent than a tense one), calling for reinforcements early is probably best.
I’m glad you got to talk about this issue with your therapist. I hope doing so made you feel better and brought things into perspective a little bit.
I’d like to offer a supportive note here, having experienced somewhat similar frustrations when seeking affirmation from my parents. When I had my third child, I was so tired. I got so frustrated with the older kids demanding (well-deserved attention) when i just needed some sleep and wanted the luxury of focusing on the baby. I was frustrated with the baby and had times when I wished he’d disappear. I made the mistake of expressing this to my mom. Something along the lines of “Some days I feel pulled in too many directions. I wish the older kids would just go away. Or that the baby would just be quiet and leave me alone.” These were ugly feelings, and I wasn’t showing them or acting on them, I was just admitting them and hoping to hear that someone I respected had felt the same way. I wanted to hear that I was normal and that I would survive. I wanted to hear what strategies she’d used to stay sane. To share, to commiserate, to gain strength. What I got instead was harsh judgement and condemnation. “Never ever did I feel that way. I loved all you children. Always.” I was devastated. I could never live up to this ideal. I must be awful, etc. etc. I got through the tough times. And I eventually realized that she was lying either to me or to herself. She couldn’t possibly have had such perfect feelings all the time. I learned from this not to express any ugly feelings of this sort to her–because I would not get the support and compassion that I needed in order to re-energize myself to go forth and “do good”.
So, here’s a hug and affirmation that at least from my experience your feelings are normal. I’ve felt the same way about a frustrating baby and about frustrating older children. It would have been healing to know that my parents felt the same way and yet were able to overcome the feelings and act loving even when it was tough. I have chosen to be very honest with my adult children about the (sometimes wildly) fluctuating emotions of new parenthood. My 30 year old daughter has told me that knowing I sometimes felt ugly emotions has been very healing to her as she’s struggled with being a new mom.
Regarding your e-mail to your dad: Don’t send it. Don’t try to tone it down and send it. Just let it go. If your family is at all like mine, efforts at honest communication will somehow just get twisted around to where everything is your fault. Get your “momming or dadding” from someone else rather than your biological parents. They are who they are and no amount of honest communication from you will fix that. “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much as they can.”