I have two kids below the age of 5 - a boy and a girl; beyond the standard “birds and bees” sex education they will get through me and their school system, how should they learn about what is “good” sex?
Per the thread listed above, I am not interested in explicitly discussing my experiences and techniques with them (eewww!). But over and above saying things like “have sex when it means something in the relationship” or “communication and mutual respect is key”, how should young adults (around puberty or beyond, I assume) learn more about good sex, and what role can/should a parent play in pointing them in the right direction? (No references to incest please - just chuckle to yourself and get past it, okay?)
Awwwwwww, and I had some really good incest jokes laying around too!
But anyway… what do you mean by “good” sex? Is “good” like “healthy”? If so, is there a certain moral standard pertaining to sexuality that you seek to impose on your children. Something along the lines of “It’s OK to spank, but no bondage gear little mister!” I think that your role as a parent should be to indeed affirm things like “communication and mutual respect is key”. This is not a trivial point. Beyond that but short of discussing technique (a definite ewwww…), the best thing you can do for your children is to discuss the mechanics of sex/sexual relationships in a frank, unabashed manner. The important information you will impart to your children will be in the form of mental/metaphysical preparation. It seems to me that what I consider to be “good” sex is really just a question of attitude.
I will point out that I do not yet have any children of my own. I do not claim to know anything about parenting at all. I can say however, that an up-front (if not sometimes awkward) line of communication between myself and my (medical professional) mother imparted in me what I consider to be a healthy attitude toward sex. Point your kids in the right direction by helping them understand that sex is simply a natural and beautiful way of expressing ones feelings for another.
Most of what I learned about sex in my years before seven or eight I learned from a series of “Your Lives, Your Bodies” (?? don’t remember exactly, but it was something like that) books that my mom kept on one of the lower bookshelves and encouraged us to read. They had lots of very simplified biology, cartoony illustrations, and were written specifically for young kids. If I’m remembering correctly, they even touched on masturbation and had a reminder to always report anyone who touched you in a way that made you uncomfortable. I read them a lot.
After about age 9 though, I moved on to the Joy of Sex and More Joy of Sex that Mom had stashed in the shelves behind her bedroom door. Many, many hours of reading later and I’m a sex expert. ::Snort::
Anyway, I’d obviously reccomend books. They can be a great conversation starter because the kids have all of the “mechanics” outlined for them and can then turn to you for the emotional details. Overall though, I think simply having an open and non-judgemental attitude about sex is the best way to teach your kids about it. If they ask questions, answer them honestly. If they seem curious about something, prompt them for questions… If you live with a partner, don’t be shy about kissing or hugging in front of them–kids should see acts of physical intimacy (within reason, you pervs!) within loving relationships and understand their purpose, both physical and emotional. Good luck, my son’s only 1 and so thankfully worrying about this stuff isn’t quite an issue yet for me. Aren’t you jealous?
I think I had that “Where Do Babies Come From?” book as a supplement to the ultra-clinical sex ed segment in 5th grade. By then, I was already menstruating and because dad’s a doctor I had a pretty good idea of what was going on reproductively. I’d love to dig my copy of that book up now; unfortunately I don’t know where it is. As far as what I would call “values” about sex (“good” sex, communication in a relationship, intimacy between couples), I didn’t hear a damn thing and in retrospect, I kind of wish I had. I grew up with a born-again mom, whom I love dearly. But sex was sort of glossed over in our house, never spoken about ever (and we knew it was “bad” to have sex before marriage); yet we strolled around naked all the time. Thus I grew up feeling comfortable with my nekkid body, but not knowing what or what not to do with it if I was ever in an intimate setting. My parents were an example of two people who loved each other, their children, and the dogs, so I had positive role models as far as intimate relationships go, but we never discussed sex as a part of that. I’m sure that if my parents broached the topic of “good” sex when I was a kid I would have run screaming; now, I think I still would have run screaming but later on would have appreciated the knowledge and had a hysterical anecdote to tell people.
I plan on being very open and honest with my kids when it comes to sex. I too grew up with a born-again mom and the only sex talk I got from her was, “Don’t do it until you’re married.” Aside from that I learned about sex through school, friends, and just doing it. I don’t want my kids to go through that. My parents were both virgins when they were married so my mom’s sex talk doesn’t surprise me at all. She’s very naive and I don’t even want to think about her and my dad having sex. I certainly can’t imagine that they know anything about positions or foreplay, etc. When that whole Clinton/Lewinsky thing came out I had to try to explain to my mom what a blow job was, which wasn’t an easy task. After I told her she let out a disgusted sigh and said, “I can’t believe she put his penis in her mouth… that’s gross!” :eek:
Anyway… I’d rather talk to my kids about sex, answer their questions, discuss their concerns and know that they’re prepared and know all about birth control and condoms and I hope that they enjoy sex as much as I have.
I’ve had a series of little talks with my daughter, who is now 6, as the subject arose each time.
First off, she learned that babies come from inside mummy.
A few months later, (about 4 and a half) she wondered out loud how they got in there, so I explained that a little bit from me and a little bit from mummy joined together to make a tiny thing that was like a seed that would grow into a baby (inside mummy); I didn’t give any more details at this point as I felt it was beyond what she would be comfortable knowing
The other day we went for a drive in the New Forest and she was pointing out which of the horses were boys (we laughed a fair bit about that).
Just today, she asked how the baby gets out of mummy, so I explained that bit.
I’m expecting the rest fairly soon; when I’ve explained that (in simple terms), I’ll probably get her a book on the subject that ‘fleshes out’ some of the details.
My parents did something similar to Mangetout – I got the information in bits and pieces, as time went on, with details being filled in as I got older.
Just before I became a teenager, my mother handed me her first edition copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and I read it cover to cover. In fact, I read the second and third editions when she got 'em too. Fascinating, well-written books, and a hell of a lot more informative and useful than the stupid “Adolescent Skills” class I had to take in middle school.
I should have read the OP a little more carefully before responding, since it was mainly a question about informing slightly older kids, however, I think the same principle applies, doing it piecemeal makes it less daunting for the parent and more immediately relevant and for the child, not to mention easy to absorb (I’ve always tried to encourage curiosity in my children anyway and I’ll have to put my hand up and admit that I sometimes drop subtle references into conversations specifically because I want to provoke a question on some topic I feel they were ready to handle).
