Arg … crappy night at Invite Jam tonight. I hate when I come home from jam night irritated, so allow me to vent.
First thing, I’ve ranted about this guy before; I call him The Butcher, because that’s what he does to every song he attempts to contribute to. He does not know how to play an instrument. It’s that simple. He can wrap his hand around a guitar neck and press a few strings that vaguely form a chord, but he can’t strum, he can’t pick, he just spasticly flutters and whaps his fingers over the strings and hopes for the best. And when he’s on bass? Fuggeddaboutit. He doesn’t have the first notion. Hilariously, he always asks, “what key, fellas?”
I just want to say, “what difference does it make, you’re not going to come close to it, anyway.”
I’m fiddling around with a song that is based around a very simple chord progression, so I floated it for a jam. D-major, D-major, A-minor-7th, G-Major. For non-musicians, there are very few progressions easier to play than that. On bass, it’s three friggin notes. D - D - A - G. I could teach any person on this board to play that on bass in about two minutes. He never came close. He just plays a bunch of irrelevant clanking notes as fast as he can as he deploys his whap his fingers on the strings like he’s giving it a Swedish massage or just throws in a series of glissandos (dragging your fingers down the strings) never landing on a root.
I’m on stage with him screaming, “D … D … A … G …” Like yelling at a brick wall.
Now, on open jam nights, I take what I can get, and believe me I am often the weakest link, but I don’t understand why a person who cannot play an instrument gets invited to Invite Jam night.
I had to play every goddamned set with him tonight.
Then just as I packed up my gear, I sat down behind the keys to get one last set in before I left and another guy asks me if it’s okay if he plays because he really wants to play with his buddy on guitar. “Well, I’m taking off after this set. I was hoping to just get this in before I go.”
"Gee whiz, golly gee, I was really hoping …
“Fine, whatever, here you go, you friggin’ baby.”
There. I feel better.