I was not raised in a loving house. There were no hugs, no “I love you”, nothing like that at all, ever. In fact it was very much the opposite. Consequently I am very uncomfortable with familial affection. My mom is in her 70s and starting to show her age. I want her to be happy and healthy and I know that she is very touch deprived since my dad died. I am the only person she sees on most days and I do not hug her. I don’t actively avoid it, it’s just not something that has been done in my family. I think of her being lonely and it makes me feel so sad but I don’t know how to fix it. I know her happiness isn’t my responsibility but it’s something that is really bothering me. I work in long-term care and I see the results of loneliness. I just don’t know what to do about it.
Instead of trying to hug your mother, start smaller. Kiss her on the cheek hello and goodbye when you visit, maybe go arm in arm or hold her hand when you walk together.
You can also try non-intimate touching: give her a mani/pedi, put lotion on her back, wash her hair, etc. Anything to break down your barriers about contact.
Would a pet be out of the question?
~VOW
That gives me anxiety just to think about. I am uncomfortable even having a conversation with her. Like sitting across from her in a restaurant is stress-inducing.
We have a dog who is a source of conversation. And affection for her.
I just suggested to her that we go for a drive on my days off. She seemed quite happy and suggested we go for a picnic so we’re going to do that.
Are you sure that she is actually suffering from touch deprivation? Not everybody living in situations where they physically touch other people very infrequently, or not at all, develops touch deprivation or other health conditions as a result.
I mean, if you do know that she’s lonely and unhappy and touch-deprived, then that’s another thing. Even then, though, ISTM that it might be better to help her develop more social interactions of various kinds with various other people (including remote ones via zoom and so on) rather than forcing yourself into habits of physical contact that neither you nor she would be comfortable with.
Then start even smaller. A very brief touch on the shoulder as you are saying goodbye.
Surely you can muster up the will to do that?
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I think this is the key. To try to find things for her to do.
Just chiming in to support you. Similar circumstances for me. I forced myself to gingerly embrace my mother upon arrival and leaving. I could not do more. My family is very high on pretending to like each other. I made it through. My repugnance verged on nausea, but I tried my best. Thankfully now she’s dead and I don’t have to do that any more.
Adult children often have a very strong need to feel that they are doing their duty by parents who failed in theirs. It’s good to try to rise above the deficits of your childhood and behave with the generosity and empathy that wasn’t given to you. But please don’t damage yourself in the effort. You also deserve comfort. Do what you can, accept that it won’t be much.
Thank you. That is exactly what I’m trying to get into my head. Her happiness is not my responsibility. I know that in my head but yesterday at work while I was helping the old folks head into the activities room to watch a movie, I got a little teary thinking of my mom sitting at home alone knowing that she hasn’t had a hug in months. Now, to be fair, neither have I. I mean she’s never reached out to hug me either. But it’s easier to deal with my own issues than it is to deal with someone elses’ perceived loneliness.
I’m glad she has the dog. Pets give and receive affection willingly, and her own upbringing may have been void of much touching. The warm, wriggling body of a pet who asks for little and yet gives unconditional love sounds like a good solution.
(says she who sits with a cat on her lap as she types away…)
A drive sounds wonderful and the picnic lunch makes it perfect. Ask her for stories of her childhood, or even what she remembers of the stories of her parents and grandparents.
I wish you the best!
~VOW
She may be getting her touch needs from the dog.
I get the impression that she’s not trying to hug or otherwise touch you – is that correct?
Correct, she does not try to hug me. She’s looking forward to our picnic tomorrow though.
In what universe is kissing, of any variety, “smaller” than a hug???
When it’s a brief peck on the cheek.