I think it’s pretty obvious he’s depressed. I’ve been unemployed since Sept so I understand completely, I have no prospects whatsoever, too over qualified, can’t convince anybody that an entry level job is OK.
Regarding housework, I’m not as good as it as I should be. There are chores that used to be hers while we were both working that I simply am not picking up that needs to be done. I’ve never dusted or de-cobwebbed in my life and I simply don’t notice the issue. It’s not in my DNA to study the corners of the room. I just have a lot more tolerance for it than she does and it’s hard putting myself in her shoes.
He needs to A) spend more time with the kid and save your household some cash and B) find some kind of way to get out of the house even if it’s a volunteer gig. C) I would support cutting off or password protecting the internet, I think he’s addicted to the games/porn.
I have no spouse. I do have dogs. But if I had a spouse and I thought he had physical issues he might not bring up to his doctor, I might come with him, or call the doctor and explain my feelings. I know the doctor can’t give me information about my non-existent husband’s health (especially because he doesn’t exist), but he can listen.
Also, I have a co-worker whose husband has Parkinson’s. She goes with him to his doctors appointments because he’s not likely to ask questions or get specific instructions.
There’s actually a “Take a Loved One to the Doctor” Day. This is when friends and family are encouraged to take a person who refuses to get a physical to the doctor.
Well, sure. People accompany other (willing) adults to the doctor all the time. If the patient doesn’t want the other person around during the visit/exam/whatever, out to the waiting room with them. Obviously if there isn’t room or the doctor requests it, medical staff can under most circumstances boot the “spectator” out themselves.
Then again, I work in ophthalmology, where the use of eye dilation pretty much heavily emphasizes the need to have an adult who can drive you home, so I’m really used to seeing two adults at a visit for one person.
A doctor is not obligated to share your medical history to someone who just makes an appointment for you and/or provides transportation. The person taking their loved one to the doctor need only drop them off at the clinic. They aren’t literally taking them to the doctor.
Regarding the comments on addiction to the internet etc.: obviously I don’t know the full situation, but based on my own experiences, perhaps it’s not so much an addiction as a way to avoid realities. In a situation like that, sometimes any distraction is better than having time to reflect alone.
I’ve only read the first page, but, how did husband get the car with no job?
If he’s rich, he may be a 7 or above. If it was your money/credit you need to cut that off, and then he’s down to a 2.
ETA: BTW, asking him if he’s depressed or just lazy is not a good question to ask, unless you want to exacerbate a bad situation.
Look, maybe this guy is depressed? Or just plain lazy. I don’t know.
But if a man said anything like “hey, my wife isn’t working, and our kid is in pre-school, so it’s not like childcare is that much of a burden, so shouldn’t the house be absolutely spotless when I get home from work?”, he’d be crucified.
I remember another thread a while back, something about who did the housework, and a woman said something like, “my husband [boyfriend/whatever] does the housework, 'cause I make more money, so that’s the way it should be,” and I was wondering how long it would be before she got piled on. There was no pile on, but there probably would have been if the genders had been reversed.
OK so he can’t find work. Would he volunteer? I couldn’t find a job for almost 2 years after we relocated, so I finally took some volunteer gigs in places that interested me – schools, libraries, museums. What I missed about not working was the social interaction & networking. And the longer I was out of work, the more distant those things seemed. The volunteer work got me back into society, made important contacts for me, and looked good on my resume. Then I got the perfect job and I haven’t looked back.
Or by, “Well, we’re getting along well now, so I don’t want to ruin it with a fight, but when we’re fighting, that isn’t supposed to be when you bring stuff up” so things never get properly discussed.
That can be tricky, only because in my experience, probably 90% of the time, if you call a place that’s soliciting volunteers, the phone is never answered, and if it is, the calls aren’t returned, and e-mails aren’t addressed either.
Thanks again for most of the responses. So, I brought up marriage counseling and he says he will go. However he said he will not to the dr. to be evaluated for depression. At first I said, “but I think it is possible that many of our problems are caused by depression,” and then I realized, choose your battles - he agreed to go. Maybe the counselor can evaluate him somewhat as well as encourage him to be evaluated. We have gone before actually for a short time - some of the same issues and some different. But it was a student type counselor at the school and I don’t think he was that effective. Anyway, that makes me feel better. However he definitely does have off-the-table-itis. He will refuse to talk about some things or get mad. But that is part of what i think counseling will help with.
Truth be told, I could bring things up in a more constructive way and I am working on that. I’m just so frustrated…I have tried cajoling, ignoring, bitching, screaming, talking, crying, complimenting the slightest effort, and back to bitching. Not in that order necessarily. I get mad at him for minor things because I am so mad/hurt about other things that i cant bring up because they will cause a fight. I have noticed that and even told him this - that I was going to try not to transfer my grievances from one area to another. Posting this part now before I lose it on a weird iPad.
That’s a very good plan, tesseract. Bringing someone new (and hopefully competent) into the dynamic should help both of you figure out a better way to relate so you can both get what you want. It would be awesome if you could both end up happily married to each other.
It got heated there for a minute, but if we could do this, anybody can. Somebody get Palestine and Israel on the phone, kayaker and I have the world to change.
Ha Diosa. Maybe you guys could come to our house. Thanks, Cat Whisperer. I hope so too. We both want to be together and save it so that counts for something.
I think someone asked how old we are. I’m (ahem) 40 (but a young 40, I try to tell myself) and he is 35. Definitely old enough to know better. We got married 5.5 years ago. He had several years before and after we got married when he was not in school - just working. Then he went back. It is not his fault that it took him awhile to go back to school. There were other irrelevant factors I won’t go into now.
