On a scale of 1 to 10, how crappy is my husband?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First of all, I’m not leaving him so if that is going to be your suggestion, may I kindly ask that you do not post in this thread. This thread is so I can get a sense of how unreasonable/bitchy I am and just how crappy his husband performance is.
Good stuff first: Great cook. Really good with our son. Interesting and funny. Very handsome. Speaks a lot of languages. Graduated from college recently (with a somewhat useless degree but we agreed that he should finish and then figure out the next step). My family really loves him. He is kindhearted and would go out of his way, and does, for people. He does most of the laundry, almost all of the cooking. He makes me laugh. There are other good things.

Bad things: he has not had a job since he graduated a year ago - but he hasn’t even worked for a temp agency. He only applies for the jobs he wants but he could apply for something not quite as good - like temp work - but he doesn’t. I work full time, 40 or 50 hours a week. I come home from work some days and the house is a mess - . He is addicted to the internet, I believe, and watches news and movies a great part of the day, I believe. Our son goes to preschool - so he just has to take him there in the morning and pick him up by 6. So, yeah, he has no real responsibilities all day. Shouldn’t the house be spotless when I get home? Or at least not a huge mess? He doesn’t cook every day - maybe every 3 days. He gets mad at me and then does do some cleaning when I complain, but it’s usually after a big fight. I asked him today if he was depressed or just lazy, because I can’t figure out any other reason. I get that he feels emasculated but I’m not sure what to do. He applies for jobs but…he doesn’t network, get out there, etc. He just applies for jobs on the internet every so often.

He is extremely selfish sexually - foreplay doesn’t exist. Never tries to get me off after he comes either. Doesn’t like DOING most things. Doesn’t like the beach, walks, hiking, etc. etc. etc., whereas I like most things. We do fun things together as a family sometimes, but generally this is either 1) the movies 2) socializing with friends – not active stuff. Even at the movies, he sometimes will just go see a different one if he doesn’t like one that is age-appropriate for our 4-year-old.

We do go to our non-denominational service each week together too. Mostly he just wants to sit at home with the computer. Bad at keeping up with the bills. (By this I just mean paying them…not paying for them.) After we bought our house, recently, he went out and bought A CAR, when we already have two cars. And he had called me from the dealership and I said, no, please do not buy a car. Now he wants to give it to his dad who may take over the payments, and may not, but that was a big betrayal. Never takes our son to the park, somewhat rarely plays with him at home, doesn’t read to him. Usually if it’s just the two of them, they are both doing electronics.

I feel like, what if I could say, ok he isn’t a great breadwinner, but he is good in bed. Nope. OK, Not a great breadwinner, not good in bed, but really good at keeping home fires burning - house clean, on top of stuff. Or, OK, not a great breadwinner, not good in bed, not really good at keeping home fires burning - but likes to do fun things. Nope. None of the above. It seems to me he doesn’t bring too much to this partnership. He has a good relationship with our son and makes him laugh. But he has to be dragged out to do stuff. We fight a lot about all of this stuff. He is extremely stubborn and will get annoyed at something like this: I take too much stuff to the beach. Like, too many beach toys that our son might not get the chance to play with. So we were fighting on the way and he said, “I make this sacrifice—” and by sacrifice he meant GOING TO THE BEACH WITH US. It’s not like he had something important to do - it’s just that that is him sacrificing his own time and I guess we should feel privileged that he was coming with us…

2

Sounds like he is in a bit of a lazy rut he needs an outlet for his energy, One that he wants, not one that you push on him. If he gets a job that he enjoys, he might feel better and participate more with the family outings and home making.

Still, people need their free time and their space. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you have to do everything together AND like it. Nagging about this problem isn’t going to help it either.

You should talk with your husband about some of these things. Find a non-confrontational time to bring it up too. For example, don’t discuss the bill paying duties when you get a late notice in the mail!

3

People’s personalities may change a bit, but they don’t change that much pre and post marriage so I’m not real clear on why you married him if he was lazy and selfish in bed, and childish. Your mate decision making process is a bit of a mystery.

I think a lot of his issues would be solved if he had a job but (and I know this is hard to believe) but it may simply be that he doesn’t know how to effectively look for one. Some job / career counseling may be in order. I would think that would be # 1 on the list.

Having said this you sound like bit of mismatch. He sounds kind of self absorbed and based on your description it does not sound like he’s much of a go getter.

4

Depression of a sort, sounds like to me. (I’m not qualified to make a diagnosis.)

Graduating school with a useless degree is about the most unmotivating thing that could happen to a person.
Add in the fact that getting ANY job is tough, and ‘why bother’ quickly becomes a viable thought.

Don’t nag, support, if possible. Get him into something else- a hobby.
Anything to get him out of the house and away from you and the kid for a bit.
Change of scenery will bring on new thought patterns.

5

I am trying to put together:

With:

No, does not compute.

I’ve got no suggestions. It’s clear that he’s pulling his weight in some ways (cooking, laundry), but overall he could and should be doing a lot more. No, the house shouldn’t be spotless, but he should have it in pretty good shape most of the time. And you guys could save some $$ by doing preschool 3 days a week or something like that, because even with looking for jobs, cooking, laundry, and housecleaning, he can take 2 days to be with his son. (Goddamnit, you only get one crack at being part of your kid’s childhood. Passing that up is a sin.) Unless of course he registers with a temp agency so he needs to be available every day. But even then, he should be taking the kid out of preschool on more than the occasional day to just do stuff with him.

Excuse me, but it just bugs the hell out of me when a guy has serious time on his hands that he could be spending with his son, and isn’t taking advantage of it. If I were his buddy, I’d be reading him the riot act on that.

6

If we have to rate him, which way does the scale go? Is 1 the crappiest or is it 10?

He sounds more like a room mate than a husband.

7

Are you all covering your expenses, or are you slipping further into debt each month? It affects the urgency of the situation.

8

What difference does it make how I would rate your husband. If I tell you he’ s a crappy husband does that do anything for you? What will you do with that information? Feel justified in your own assessment that he’s a crappy husband? How about if I said he wasn’t a crappy husband and you should be happy to have him, support him and be a sperm dump for him, instead of ending up a bitter, lonely, middle-aged spinster such as myself. (or a quietly happy, still single woman who doesn’t have to put up with crap from a man who doesn’t respect or care for me)

9

He sounds like a shitty husband, but a mildly passable stay-at-home wife.

10

He sounds nearly perfect and I envy the long, happy life you have ahead of you.

11

I have to say, a lot of that sounds really bad. The thing that stand out to me is buying the car without consulting you. That’s deceptive and wrong. Even in a perfect relationship, major purchases need to be made jointly.

Not keeping the house perfect is forgivable. I believe that everyone needs to pitch in with housework, even if one partner is staying home. But not making any effort at all towards anything? That is a massive problem. While having trouble with the job search can be dispiriting…well, life is tough. Some people are walking to refugee camps right now. If they can deal with their lives, you can deal with yours. Temp agencies can be an excellent way to find full time work. I got my current job through one. He needs to develop a plan for getting out there, because even if it’s futile, it’s less futile than what he’s doing now. And both of you need to ditch the “useless major” narrative. Most employers don’t care what you majored in, they just want to see some work history, and he can build that. The major isn’t what is keeping him back.

That said, a lot of this depends on if it’s just a temporary hurtle, or if it’s a permanent lifestyle. We’ve all gone through a tough year or two. But I’ve also known people who are still, decades later, living like children.

Anyway, if I were you, I’d cut off the internet.

12

Agree. (And sorry for the hijack.) But I find the double standard interesting. If a working husband said this about his stay-at-home wife, he would be labeled a sexist pig.

13

My guess is he seemed like a better prospect a few years ago. He was a student working on his degree, which was a form of progress in life. And there was no evidence he would be weak in keeping up the home and being a father until those were put to the test.

To me, based on what the OP said, this looks like a guy who isn’t sure what his role in life is. He was a student but that’s completed. And now he doesn’t know what to do with his life. He’s not the breadwinner in the relationship, which was the traditional male role. But he’s not picking up the slack by taking more weight in any of the other roles: spouse, parent, or homemaker. He’s just coasting along.

I don’t think a job for him would fix things. It doesn’t look like he would get a job where he would become the breadwinner of the family. More likely he would get some token job where he’d have an excuse to drop the efforts he’s making now at home but she’d still have to keep her job and pick up the slack at home.

Unfortunately, I have no advice for the OP. She got stuck with a bad husband. He’s not contributing his half to the marriage. And it’s doubtful he’s going to change.

14

Hmm. Without the car incident, he’s a 4 or 5 out of 10. With the car incident he’s a 3 with serious potential to drop from there.

15

Not by me, he wouldn’t.

OP I am not qualified to give advice. Just want to say what you describe sounds like me about 15 years ago. I was laid off from a job that I’d loved, and despite there being economic warning signs (this was just prior to 9/11 and manufacturing was already in a slump) I never saw it coming. My husband had a great job and finances were not an issue for us; at the time, we didn’t have any children. So I told myself that I’d really spend the time to find a good job instead of settling for the first thing to come along. I was bringing home more in unemployment than I would make as a temp, so reasoned that I didn’t need to go that route. In retrospect, it would have been better for me emotionally. I spent about a month half-hearted lay looking for a job in my field (nobody was hiring) and then just let myself slip into this daily morass of playing SIMS online, building these perfect little microcosmic lives for 10-12 hours on end while my own slipped more and more out of control.

Looking back, I don’t know how my husband tolerated me for as long as he did. The house was a constant mess, I was a constant stained-sweatshirt wearing mess, I had no interest in anything, including sex, and I wasn’t pulling my weight in ANY area. I spent a considerable amount of time beating myself up emotionally, and then I’d go play SIMS to numb myself.
It took me a year to find a job and when I took it, the salary was less than half of my old salary and it was a grab at the first thing that came along. The impetus? My husband quietly and firmly informing me one day that he couldn’t live this way any longer. He didn’t use the D word; he didn’t have to. I could see the resignation in his eyes.

I look back now and see that I was seriously depressed. It was like I was living in a fog, and the simplest tasks felt like muddling my way through puddles of molasses to get accomplished. The blow to my self-esteem over losing the job was just one issue; won’t detail the rest, but it likely wouldn’t apply to your husband anyway. From the perspective of an outsider, it seems he may be battling depression. I know that anyone looking at my own situation would have thought that I was just lazy. But these were behaviors that were unlike me. Prior to the layoff, I worked 50-60 hours per week and still managed to keep my personal life in order and contribute to upkeep of our home. We have a child now, my husband has the same job with the same company and can accomplish what he needs to in a 40-hour week… and what we fight about now is that he’s tired of picking up the slack because I work 10-12 hour days and some weekends. And he’s right to complain. I’m missing out on my son’s life too. I can’t seem to control my schedule and shorten my work hours without feeling that I’m leaving something critical undone. So I am looking for another job. Ironically enough, I got extended an offer in late May but turned it down. Just couldn’t bring myself to leave a job I love and promised that I’d change and stick to a 40-hour week no matter what. Around the time I realized this wouldn’t be possible, another opportunity opened up for a similar job and I contacted the hiring manager who graciously added me back into the candidate pool. If I get the offer, I’m taking it without looking back. It is a desk job, instead of being the boss I report to one, and I will get to work from home. It also pays more. Wish I could say I was thrilled about it, but I’m just resigned. I just have to make my family a higher priority than my career.

16

There is so much irony in this thread that refrigerator magnets would stick to it. It’s a complete role reversal of a traditional situation with a working husband and stay at home wife. The icing on the cake is describing one of his assets as a husband as being ‘handsome’. You picked him, accept him or dump him, complaining is a waste of time.

17

Yes, it is quite interesting. If you replaced “husband” with “wife” and “wife” with “husband” in the opening post, the SDMB crowd would be falling over themselves in condemnation of the OP to tell him what a sexist, selfish, chauvinistic, misogynistic, and uncompassionate person he is.

This is not a criticism of the OP; I am genuinely sorry about the predicament you’re in. It’s just an interesting observation.

18

I have sympathy for the OP as well, and should have mentioned that this may just pass with time. The ‘little man’ may end up with a good job and career and turn into a keeper in the end.

19

It 's like you’re living in 1963 and complaining about things people might have said in 1983. It’s 2013 - people accept the idea that a man or a woman can be the breadwinner or the homemaker. And people have no problem saying a woman can be a bad wife when she is one.

The world has moved on. You need to catch up with the rest of us.

20

It’s not really an “observation” as you haven’t really “observed” the hypocrisy, just assumed it. Unless you have a specific thread in mind…