I am fairly new to this forum so I will have to take your word but feel incredulous anyway.
Husband or wife … if one is not contributing fairly (we’re not even talking 50% here… just in a way that seems equitable to that relationship) I don’t think gender stereotypes are even an issue to examine. He’s home, not working, not caring for their child full time, and sounds like he’s leaving at least half of the housework to her too. I am not condemning him; suspect there is probably more going on than simple laziness. But I see her point and would see his too, if situation were reversed and he was complaining about his lazy wife. It’s hard to examine the situation critically when one is caught up in it.
He’s home, not working, and again, not even caring full-time for their child. Same applies if we substitute ‘she’. Needs to do something to move towards a more equitable situation even if that starts with nothing more than a visit to the doctor to rule out (or treat) depression.
I know you aren’t actually objecting to any of that, just observing how gender stereotypes play out, but I am more speaking to the OP here. His gender is not an issue to any reasonable person. That he’s pulling her down instead of moving forward with her is the real problem that she’s asking for affirmation on.
I would suggest he start setting some goals and accomplishing them. Three small goals a day can make a huge difference in anyone’s life. Other than that, I have no other suggestions.
As for the OP, I’m sorry, but your husband doesn’t really seem interested in participating in a relationship. I couldn’t say whether it’s depression or selfishness, but either way it’s not good.
ETA: I’m not sure how the scoring works, but included in my comparisons to other crappy husbands would be “hey, at least he’s not physically abusive.”
Seriously? You think people would be sympathetic to a stay-at-home wife who had the kids in full-time 9-5 daycare while she played video games, did not maintain the house beyond cooking three days a week, did not put any effort into her sex life, and made surprise big-ticket purchases while her spouse was at work? I think that’s everyone’s stereotypical nightmare wife! All you need is to throw in a large weight gain and maybe a bit of substance abuse and you have the sort of thing that men’s right people go gaga for.
Having a stay-at-home spouse is different than having an idle spouse. Households with a stay-at-home spouse make a planned decision to do so. They plan for it financially, they define responsibilities, and they maximize the benefits (often by saving on childcare), they have a plan for what happens as the kids get older, and they continually assess their situation together to make sure what they are doing is still working. It’s done in partnership.
Sitting around the house and playing video games while your spouse gets angrier and angrier is not being a stay-at-home spouse. It’s a violation of the terms of marriage. At this point, even if he gets a job paying minimum wage, he’s going to bring in $1,000 a month. That buys you a weekly visit from the housekeeper and some pre-prepped meals. That’s a heck of a lot more than he’s currently contributing.
I think a good marriage counselor could help sort this out… it sounds like he’s never really had any responsibility or initiative, he’s in an escapist rut, and jointly you lack communication tools to deal with your expectations.
I think what would help here is a single-threaded priority list of things to do every day that you both agree on. I mean starting with a list of one item, managing that, and then building on it. Then expand to two lists… one for housekeeping, one for job-hunting, and build the length of those as he masters them. But the priorities have to be things that you both value and agree are feasible.
Yes, it does seem absurd to treat a man like a grade-schooler, but generalized complaints aren’t going to get things done.
I’m curious about this. Did he tell you he feels emasculated? I’m almost certain that this isn’t what he said, so how do you arrive at this conclusion and what do you think it means?
He is showing almost all of the classic signs of depression (read up on it). You should strongly suggest that he see a counselor (he will almost certainly resist) but unless he gets help it will only get worse and harder to break out of (depression can be self re-enforcing).
I have suffered major depressive disorder my whole adult life. Your OP describes me in just about every way (except I did have a job, but in regards to not wanting to do things and not helping with housework). And it did eventually cost me my marriage.
If you’re not willing to leave him, I’m assuming that you are committed to making it work. I didn’t get help until it was too late. Someone who is depressed 1) might not realize it and 2) lacks the motivation to do something about it even if he did. Not necessarily talking about medication, he may respond to behavioral therapy, but he’ll need your help to get him through the door.
I don’t think they would necessarily be all that sympathetic to either, but I’m pretty sure the OP (if sex roles were reversed) would be brought up short for listing her primary positive attributes as the fact she’s pretty and she cooks. There would be a lot of snorting and pawing over that guaranteed. With a man in the role it passes without comment.
Know this: you will never change him. If that’s your goal, then you won’t have to leave him; he’ll leave you. So either accept him as he is, with some minor changes in his way of living with you, or quit bitching about it.
Possibly. But a story about a woman putting the kid in daycare five days a week while she’s home would have raised serious eyebrows in a way that the man staying home did not. In fact, I suspect that it just wouldn’t have happened: if the genders were reversed, the kid WOULD be home, and the OP would be about how the wife just lets them watch TV all day while she’s on the internet. Because it would be very difficult, socially, to be an unemployed woman with kids in daycare 5 days a week.
This answers the question. What are you getting out of this relationship?
I went through long-term unemployment and know the depression it can cause, but it seems to me he’s using that as an excuse to do as little as possible. And the car incident is not only inconsiderate, but also irresponsible. I’d rate him no more than a 2. You should be able to do better.
I’m wondering, though, if not a lot this, both your unhappiness and his possible depression, simply boils down to the job thing. Make it a priority to have that fixed first, before you go completely existential on the whole situation.
But do make it very clear to him that finding a job *will *be his number one priority.
Indeed, we had a thread a while back about a stay-at-home mother who put her kids in daycare a few days a week to foster their social development and buy her some alone time, and the comments got pretty ugly.
I had a very similar live-in relationship except that she was great in bed and did like doing fun stuff. I still had to break it off because I was so unhappy.
I’ll be blunt. I think complaining about your spouse on the net is tacky at best and a cause for divorce at worst. Criticizing your husband to strangers is not the sign of a strong marriage. If you have issues with him, you’d be better off seeking counseling rather than complaining about him here. I would be mortified and furious if my husband did this to me.
How old are the two of you? Was he a more engaged father and husband during school? If he didn’t have any career experience before he started undergrad, it can be really rough transition from “Hey, you’re a successful student!” to “You’re a barely-noticeable job candidate” regardless of what degree he earned.