On a scale of 1 to 10, how crappy is my husband?

[Ambivalid]

@panaccione

I’m assuming 10 is bad? The OP never specified.

Oh, ok. I see. Sorry. 10 is usually good, however, and 1 is usually bad. That’s common knowledge.

[Ibanez]

@even_sven

Seriously? You think people would be sympathetic to a stay-at-home wife who had the kids in full-time 9-5 daycare while she played video games, did not maintain the house beyond cooking three days a week, did not put any effort into her sex life, and made surprise big-ticket purchases while her spouse was at work? I think that’s everyone’s stereotypical nightmare wife! All you need is to throw in a large weight gain and maybe a bit of substance abuse and you have the sort of thing that men’s right people go gaga for.

People wouldn’t be sympathetic. But criticizing the stay at home wife at remotely the same level this man is criticized at would bring out the jezebel brigade and patriarchy truthers in three posts flat, especially if you argued and defended your point. The double standard is something MRA’s point out, But trivial b.s. like this isn’t of major concern. Things like having to pay for kids that aren’t yours, false accusations of abuse without proof that separate you from your kids etc… are.

You know, serious shit.

[DMark]

You have already decided you are leaving him so it is kind of a moot point how bad he is.

In perspective to other “bad” spouses, he didn’t beat you, he didn’t hurt your kid, he didn’t get hooked on coke or heroin or become a raging alcoholic, he didn’t gamble away the house, he didn’t have an affair with the neighbor, he didn’t rob a bank or shoot someone in a gun fight, he didn’t get arrested for kiddie porn, he didn’t join a neo-Nazi group or the Tea Party or the Westboro Church…

So - you grew apart.

Give him a 5 and give you a 5 and we have the perfect 10 of a marriage that is ending.

[hajario]

@DMark

You have already decided you are leaving him so it is kind of a moot point how bad he is.

No. Just the opposite.

@tesseract

First of all, I’m not leaving him so if that is going to be your suggestion, may I kindly ask that you do not post in this thread..

[nearwildheaven]

I see a contradiction in the OP. She says he does most of the cooking, and then later says he only cooks 3 times a week. Which is correct?

OTOH, that he bought a NEW car even though she said not to is a big red flag.

[elfkin477]

@Chefguy

Know this: you will never change him. If that’s your goal, then you won’t have to leave him; he’ll leave you. So either accept him as he is, with some minor changes in his way of living with you, or quit bitching about it.

This depends on if his behavior is because this is who he is, or if it’s because this is what he’s like when he’s depressed and not being treated for it. If it is depression and if he is willing to work at getting better, he might behave quite differently after therapy and/or antidepressants.

[DMark]

@hajario

No. Just the opposite.

Oops…mis-read opening line. Apologies.
Well - my point remains the same…in the grand scheme of things, he might be a tad lazy and without focus, but certainly no ogre or evil man.

[monstro]

@nearwildheaven

I see a contradiction in the OP. She says he does most of the cooking, and then later says he only cooks 3 times a week. Which is correct?

There are 3 x 7 = 21 meals that need to be prepared by someone.

Excluding the lunches, you get 14 meals.

If the husband is preparing just three meals, then that means the OP is indeed doing most of the cooking.

Even if you exclude the breakfasts and just focus on dinner, you’re left with 7 meals. 3 < 4.

[hajario]

@nearwildheaven

I see a contradiction in the OP. She says he does most of the cooking, and then later says he only cooks 3 times a week. Which is correct?

Going out to restaurants, take out, pizza delivery…

[Ferret_Herder]

@Crafter_Man

Yes, it is quite interesting. If you replaced “husband” with “wife” and “wife” with “husband” in the opening post, the SDMB crowd would be falling over themselves in condemnation of the OP to tell him what a sexist, selfish, chauvinistic, misogynistic, and uncompassionate person he is.

You’re funny. Wait, no, the opposite.

The car incident alone would be enough to rank anyone of either gender at about a 3 for me, because who the fuck does that?

[elfkin477]

@nearwildheaven

I see a contradiction in the OP. She says he does most of the cooking, and then later says he only cooks 3 times a week. Which is correct?

It is possible to cook meals to be eaten other days. In my home we have these contraptions that allow us to store food and then heat it for up to several days after it was cooked.

[kiz]

My husband went through what I’d call a major depression after he had to close down his business. He’s still trying to revive it, but in the meantime we needed more income and he really needed to get himself away from the computer. Anything he considered “below” his income/ego was verboten. Finally, after a few heated arguments, I convinced him that any income is better than no income at all. He went down the street to a local pizza place and became a PT driver. He not only gets out of the house, but he’s also made friends and some potential future business contacts too.

[panaccione]

@Ambivalid

Oh, ok. I see. Sorry. 10 is usually good, however, and 1 is usually bad. That’s common knowledge.

Well, I was thinking it was along the lines of a pain scale, in which 10 is as bad as it gets. I’d think it’s a bit more ambiguous than you say.

[Ambivalid]

@panaccione

Well, I was thinking it was along the lines of a pain scale, in which 10 is as bad as it gets. I’d think it’s a bit more ambiguous than you say.

Fair enough.

[Cat_Whisperer]

2 out of 10 (because he’s good with the kid and doesn’t beat you or the kid). Is that seriously good enough for you?

[tesseract]

First, I appreciate and thank you for the responses. I see I should have specified which was bad and which was good. I was thinking 1=worst and 10=best. In any case, by context I can figure out which way people meant their rating. I posted this because I wanted some outside perspective and it is helping.

When we met, he had two jobs - as Little Nemo indicated, he was on his way to something and it wasn’t the same as having graduated without great job prospects. He also doesn’t really even like sex that much, or at least rarely asks for it — he says prior girlfriends complained about this too. (In other words, I don’t think he’s cheating and having it with other people instead. It’s a more deep-seated issue. I don’t want to delve too too deeply into that subject here for privacy/respect for him reasons (I understand you might say, well you laid out your whole marriage here anyway, but there are certain things I’m not going to discuss and certain things I am, and I think it’s reasonable to draw such lines…)) We didn’t have a lot of sex before marriage, shocking I know. Truth be told, we did not date that overly long before getting married, but we were really in love, and I do still love him, and I think he loves me, for whatever that’s worth and whatever that means.

I do think after reading my post and the responses that it is quite possible this is depression. We tried counseling several years ago for help with some of these issues - but this was before he graduated, and it may have helped some, but now the situation is worse. I think I will suggest couples and individual counseling for each of us.

It is possible to cook meals to be eaten other days. In my home we have these contraptions that allow us to store food and then heat it for up to several days after it was cooked.

This. As for cooking: I do almost none. Occasionally I cook or bake. If we don’t eat leftovers, we eat out or get take-out, which we can’t afford to do as much as we do. It’s also a lot less healthy than if someone cooked every day.

Originally posted by** Little Nemo**:

My guess is he seemed like a better prospect a few years ago. He was a student working on his degree, which was a form of progress in life. And there was no evidence he would be weak in keeping up the home and being a father until those were put to the test.

Yes, this is correct.

To me, based on what the OP said, this looks like a guy who isn’t sure what his role in life is. He was a student but that’s completed. And now he doesn’t know what to do with his life. He’s not the breadwinner in the relationship, which was the traditional male role. But he’s not picking up the slack by taking more weight in any of the other roles: spouse, parent, or homemaker. He’s just coasting along.

I think this is correct too.

I don’t think a job for him would fix things. It doesn’t look like he would get a job where he would become the breadwinner of the family. More likely he would get some token job where he’d have an excuse to drop the efforts he’s making now at home but she’d still have to keep her job and pick up the slack at home.

But even if be had a token job, we could spend part of his salary on a once a week housekeeper and that would seriously alleviate a part of our issues. I think if he had a job it would really help him emotionally. We are currently strategizing some entrepreneurial activities that I think will really help if they work – then he can be bringing in some money and this will help us overall and help him feel more worthwhile. I also agree with evensven that it doesn’t matter so much that he has a “useless degree” - some jobs just want you to have one. But you do have to be a bit more of a go-getter in marketing yourself in that case…

I am still committed to the relationship, absolutely, and he does have good qualities. Thanks for input. Still open to more.

[InternetLegend]

I’d like to put a word in for getting him evaluated for depression. It can be really hard to recognize this kind of behavior as symptomatic when you’re living with it, but lack of focus, lack of motivation, and general inability to enjoy life - that’s depression.

Since you say you won’t leave him, would you consider marriage counseling? I know, I know, you’re not going to be able to get him to agree and you can’t afford it. Trust me, this is something you should just get moving on your own. If you don’t feel like you can do it for him or for yourself, then do it for your child. Nothing’s going to change unless you make a move; your husband’s not going to do it, but it needs to be done.

On edit: Oh, hey, or what you said while I was typing this.

[tesseract]

@kiz

My husband went through what I’d call a major depression after he had to close down his business. He’s still trying to revive it, but in the meantime we needed more income and he really needed to get himself away from the computer. Anything he considered “below” his income/ego was verboten. Finally, after a few heated arguments, I convinced him that any income is better than no income at all. He went down the street to a local pizza place and became a PT driver. He not only gets out of the house, but he’s also made friends and some potential future business contacts too.

Good idea. I should suggest it.

[tesseract]

Agree, InternetLegend. I think he might agree to counseling, but even if he won’t I’ll go alone. Just need to do it…

[nearwildheaven]

@even_sven

Indeed, we had a thread a while back about a stay-at-home mother who put her kids in daycare a few days a week to foster their social development and buy her some alone time, and the comments got pretty ugly.

Wow. Really? Lots of SAHPs (both men and women) do that. I think it’s healthy for everybody. Nobody criticizes parents whose kids are just a wee bit older who go to school. :rolleyes: