I’ve never been in one. I’ve never been in a real long term relationship either, so I’m speaking purely as an observer. My boss though has been in one with his boyfriend for several years now and I’ve always thought it was a bad match. They have very loud very angry breakups monthly it seems and the latest one was what I believed to be the final one. But knowing them I reserved judgment until a few days had passed.
Recently his boyfriend got a job right next to us and it already created some tension, just by his proximity. And now, he has come over, in the middle of our business day as we’re getting ready for the weekend (our two busiest nights at the theatre) and has had them locked away in my bosses office for almost two hours now.
I’m not trying to be heartless, I’m sure the boyfriend dearly wants them to make up and be together again, but to do this during business when we need to be getting ready for tonight is just not kosher and I expect my boss feels the same way.
Well time for me to get back to work and stop wasting it on the forum here. Though the new server is sexy.
I think it’s more like they need it to be “happy” - I don’t think they are actually happy with all that drama. I think they’re using it as a substitute for getting what they actually need and want (feeling needed, feeling loved, whatever). I think a lot of “on again, off again” relationships stem from people trying to force something that just isn’t right and never will be, too.
And the middle of the workday is not the time for relationship drama, regardless.
I hate to admit it, but I have been a human boomerang in the past. For me, at least, it has been more of a “I’m just not done with you yet” thought process than anything. For the guys, it was a matter of masochism? I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes, you have to do something more than once to really know that it just isn’t good for you. I think going out with me is one of those things. But I do agree with Antinor01 in that for some, it is simply a need for more drama in their lives.
Fear of the new vs. tried and true. Familiarity and predictability are comforting. Also, people with low self-esteem can get caught in a “no one else will have me” rut and just stop looking for other prospects.
My brother has been on and off for like 25 years with a woman who couldn’t be more wrong for him (in my observation). I don’t get it. He needs to let that go.
Yeah, I think that’s the main reason so many do this. Some people just have a hard time letting go and admitting it just wasn’t meant to be.
I also definitely agree that sometimes a relationship full of turmoil and drama is more exciting than a healthy relationship. I have to admit that I’ve turned down guys who were perfectly nice, sane, stable guys simply because I found them boring compared to the antics of some emotionally unstable, chronically unemployed musician that I thought I was in love with.
Another factor is that there’s comfort in sticking to something “familiar” even when it’s not actually all that good for you. Having the same old fights with the same old jerk can be easier for some people than to find the courage to venture back into dating brand new people and having brand new fights.
I can think of two friends who have been in relationships like this. My circle of friends were able to breath a sigh of relief when someone in each relationship finally went off with someone else.
The saga continues. Apparently the boyfriend threatened suicide such that they had to lock up their knives, flush his sleeping medicine, hide the booze etc. He’s been sleeping over at my friend’s house, sleeping on the couch or on the floor, just to be near my friend.
This goes along with the thread I just opened, theatre people are an off-kilter bunch.
They’re a bit meh, been on and off with my ex-girlfriend (who was girfriend till last week) probably because we have a child together and wanted it to work but it just didn’t quite.
I spent years on-again off-again-ing (is that a proper gerund form?) with a certain tall lanky fella that… well… was extremely toxic. My favourite flavour of poison, my physical “type” and he was oh so sensitive, and creative and… I thought he was good for me, we were together until we weren’t and then years later I moved across the country to be with him, lived and fought and went broke with him, married him, and then moved back across the country with a bus ticket and forty dollars when I was seven months pregnant. Still in love with his “potential” and knowing that “This time we can make it work.” Yes, in a new town, where he has no friends or creative outlets. Sure.
Well we split up when Foolieboy was six months old, and he (Favourite Flavour of Poison) is somewhere in the ether, hard to find, harder to divorce. Lots of therapy, Alanon, and time spent taking care of foolieboy and myself have given me a “Well I used to Love him, but its all over now” take on things.
My new relationship has no melodrama, except the plays the newfella is in. Its sometimes very strange… (What do you mean you agree with me!!!) But wonderful too.
:: nods ::
Been there, done that, don’t want the T-shirt.
If you grow up thinking you are a worm and unworthy of something, you probably won’t try too hard to get it. And if by some odd chance you do find that something, and then lose it again, you “know” that there’s very little chance that you’ll find it again elsewhere. So you might as well try going back to something you know before. It might still work.
That’s why work to improve yourself can be so rewarding. It gives you something else, not something more (more of the same old crape, that is).
Adrenaline and fear; those are the only two motivations I’ve seen (and that people are bringing up) that could explain why people stay in the “on-again-off-again” unhealthy relationships that they do. Some fear their situation would be worse if they were to permanently leave (either by perceiving being single as worse than any relationship, or by fearing that the ex would not let them leave peacefully), or some simply value the adrenaline rush that comes with the constant drama more than the commitment, stability and affection that healthy relationships allow for.
Personally, I’ve always had the impression that people in unsteady relationships usually do want to maintain the relationship, but don’t want to put in enough effort to fix it–it’s much easier to smash a relationship apart and then simply say, “Forgive me?” than it is to address the issues and fix them before the relationship falls to pieces in the first place. Or maybe there simply is no way to fix them, but they want to ignore that fact–again, preferring to remain, out of fear of the unknown, afraid that the situation of being single or in a different relationship might be even worse than what they currently have.
A paragraph was somehow cut from my previous post. The WHY? part of being with my husband… He was my idea of good looking, I was tired of being single, the drama and adrenaline kept me diverted from some of my real issues, and it was easier to blame my inertia in parts of my life on the day to day upheaval rather than put the responsibilty back on myself.
I wish I had figured this out without the wasted years, but on the other hand I have a wonderful son, so its not all bad. And yes, I did for my son what I could not do for myself…leave a toxic situation and gain sanity in my life. Stop yo-yoing, because although I believe my ex loved me it was a sick and warped love, not something to clutch for dear life.
Sounds to me like the boyfriend is just a drama queen who is trying to control your boss. Some people are like that. I hate the “I’ll kill myself if you don’t date me again” line, but the worst thing is not knowing if they mean it. In one of my former on-again/off-again situations, I heard that line just one too many times and said “fine, do it, I am done.” and he did. I never thought I was that friggin great, still don’t in fact. What your boss needs to do is make a decision. If he truly cares about this guy, he needs to turn the guy over the authorities who will see to it that he gets the medical care he needs – or at least will try to do so. Letting the ex control you with the suicide threat is just too much to have to deal with, IMHO.
I have a friend who did an on and off again relationship for several years. They eventually married and have been quite happy (far as I can tell) for around eight years.
In their case it was lack of committment on both parties - they weren’t sure they wanted to be together forever - when they thought it likely - they were together, when they thought it unlikely- they weren’t and saw other people, when they were sure - they got married.
But, to the best of my knowledge it wasn’t a drama queen thing - it was a “are they together as a couple currently or not” thing for their friends for a few years.