I’m dating a new guy. We really like each other. We’re both gun-shy, we’ve each come out of long-term relationships in the last year. We’ve had good talks about taking things slowly. So far we are proceeding with caution and it seems to be going well.
I’m scared because I think I’m probably one of the more normal women he’s ever dated (we have friends in common who have described his exes as rather unstable women- I’ve also met one of them and can confirm this about her). I don’t seek drama in my life, yet from what I understand these women are loaded with it, and regularly brought it into their relationship with him. He has been married to a couple of these women I describe, so in some way he has been OK with this level of drama in his life. He seems to be a relatively “together” guy who knows (or has learned) how to take things in stride and not let the crazy shit get to him.
But he’s not going to get crazy shit from me. And I’m terrified that I’m going to end up being too stable for him (read: boring), and it’s not going to end up working out.
I realize sometimes it doesn’t work out, and liking each other (even a lot) isn’t any kind of guarantee of things working out.
But I really, really, really like him. And I’m scared.
This could have been me posting thirteen years ago, when I started dating Mr. Neville. I didn’t think I was capable of sustaining a relationship. I seriously considered breaking it off with him early on, so that we wouldn’t have a messier breakup later on where we couldn’t still be friends. I’m glad I didn’t, now.
Could you talk to some of his friends and see how early on in the other relationships the crazy started showing up? I’m thinking that if these other girls were crazy right off the bat (or maybe if that’s partially what attracted him to them to begin with) that may be you’ll be able to tell in the first month or so if it’s going to work.
This sounds very much like my sister and her now-husband. He had the craziest ex ever, and was with her for a number of years (and might well have married her were it not that it turned out she hated kids, while he really wanted them).
Then he met my sister. (Who herself had previously been in several crazy drama-filled relationships, but at least with decent, non-psycho guys who just happened to be completely wrong for her and vice versa.)
He adores my sister, and they get along really, really well, not least because she’s SO much less drama-psycho-high-maintenance than his old girlfriend and it was such a relief to him. So it may work out in your favor!
My inlaws refer to me as the only sane woman my husband ever dated. In fact when we first started dating his long time on again off again girlfriend tried to run me over with her car. She didn’t put a lot of effort into it, but it sure made it clear that his parents weren’t joking.
However we are approaching 18yrs together and despite regularly wanting to smack him silly we’re happy and in love.
So the scenario absolutely can work - so relax and enjoy the rush of infatuation and discovery Hey maybe he’ll have a fatal flaw and next month you’ll be here telling us about the close call you just had.
It could be that he has only experienced crazy women, and doesn’t know how much he’ll appreciate a stable one, rather than he was attracted to crazy women. It could also be a factor of aging; the drama and excitement of youthful relationships is far too exhausting for us old fogeys.
Relax, be good to him, let him be good to you, and enjoy the ride. Don’t go looking for trouble.
ETA: Thought of something else; being able to deal with crazy shit doesn’t necessarily mean he wants it. It might be a huge relief that he doesn’t HAVE to deal with crazy shit.
Thanks for the perspective, all. I really am enjoying this relationship so far. I just know we’re both scared of how much we like each other, and we’re both pulling on the reins like crazy. Outwardly, I’m the picture of control. Inside, I’m freaking a little. Maybe I ought to freak out on him, just to make him feel more comfortable. KIDDING!
The man I am dating now is light years away from the crazy ass drama-fests that have invaded my life for the last ten years. I’ve actually worried that he was having concerns much like what you have described here. All I can say is not to hold the past against him. I managed to get into stupid situations because I am pretty normal, and I couldn’t conceive that someone that I met through friends would turn out to be so, so unbalanced. Sure, some of it was plain naivete on my part, but because I’m not a drama queen there were times that I thought, as a situation was playing out before me, “Seriously this isn’t happening. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me!” So maybe he’s not attracted to the crazy, it just found him.
Now that I am with someone that is not like that, I just look at him sometimes and say “oh thank god you are normal” and let him know how much I appreciate it. I am sure your beau appreciates that about your relationship as well.
One thing: it has been incredibly difficult to re-learn how to disagree in an adult manner. I spent so much time either being yelled at or trying to explain to someone that yelling wasn’t productive that I shut down for a while. If he shies away from confrontation it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is wussing out or that it is not important to him. I might be that he hasn’t had a disagreement in a long time that didn’t end with something being thrown at his head. That will go away eventually.
He’s complained about all the drama bullshit women have put him through and you’re considering responding to that by cooking up some drama of your own?
There’s a good chance that as he gets to know you better he’ll find that drama isn’t going to pop up at unexpected times and he’ll start feeling relieved; more relaxed and finding he’s having a great time with you.
