Latest two:
“No, you may not take your watercolors in the bathtub with you.”
“I’m sure your poop is working now. Why don’t you go try?”
Eli
My son is only three weeks old, but I never thought I’d say:
“That was SUCH a good burp!”
and
“That was a big fart! I think that was better than Daddy’s!”
E.
“No. If you break your rifle over your brother’s head, you don’t get another one.”
“Stop hitting your brother with that penguin.”
“Why did you take away the baby’s toy?”
And getting back the straight-faced matter-of-fact three year old’s answer: “Because I wanted to make her cry.”
:smack:
Never ask a question if you aren’t prepared to hear the answer.
And of course, “It’s not polite to take off your underwear when we’re not at home.”
“Put down that axe and eat your food…!”
Most of these are along the lines of “things I never would have imagined the circumstances would compel me to say”.
“The bathroom drawer is not a good place to make a lake for your toy boat.”
“Why did you want to make the bathroom counter sparkley?”
“An umbrella is not a parachute. No, I don’t care how windy it is. Mary Poppins is not real!”
“Did your poop make a heavy ‘clunk’ sound against the bottom of the toilet today?”
“Clean the Fruity Pebbles off the chandelier. NOW!”
“Do not eat ANYTHING out of the trash can, EVER!”
“What is this in the sink?”
“Why is this wet, and what made it wet?”
Enjoy,
Steven
Oh dear lord… My youngest asked me in a crowded ladies’ room if I was SURE I didn’t have a penis. Yes, baby, I’m sure…
:eek:
“M’buh-bye, poo-poo!”
Said completely non-ironically: “There are thousands of starving little boys and girls in the world who don’t have any dinners. Be thankful, and eat what you’re given.”
“I am not a piece of playground equipment.”
I’ve asked for that to be on my tombstone, along with, “If you’d do what you are told, when you are told, your life would be so much easier.”
Im with ElzaB, my girl is only 6 months, so not alot of… “Stop doing…” being said. But I just can’t believe how excited I get over a good poop, or a nice burb. Amazing…
One day last winter my daughter Sarabeth (who was three at the time) had a fever. I was trying to get her to take a nap, so we were lying on the bed, she curled up next to me, and this conversation took place:
“Daddy, is there a giraffe in our yard?”
“No, baby, there are no giraffes where we live.”
“But Mommy said 'Don’t let the giraffe in the house.”
:dubious:
“Well, I don’t know what Mommy was talking about, sweetheart, but I promise you that there are no giraffes here. Giraffes live in Africa, and at the zoo.”
She seemed content with that, and finally dropped off to sleep.
The next day, my parents stopped by to visit, and I overheard SaraBeth tell my mother “Granny, don’t move that towel. You’ll let a giraffe in the house!” So I went to investigate.
One of our exterior door thresholds had worn out, and my wife had rolled up a towel and put in on the floor behind it to keep out the draft.
How is that a reward? Just when the drool years are long gone…
OTOH, I can do what my sons grandma did. Buy him a loud toy and send him home. 
Cheers,
G
About three days after we got him home from the hospital, we were waiting for a poop - he hadn’t pooped since his third day in the hospital. ElzaHub took him to the changing table for a change, and all of a sudden, I hear in this MAJORLY thrilled voice (you would have thought we’d won the lottery):
“He pooped! Come look! He pooped, and it was a good one!”
We’re getting excited over poop .
E.
Pretty soon you are discussing color, consistency and odor of said poops with other parents and each other. “He made an orange poop today!” ”How did it smell?” “Not bad, kind of sweet.” “Hmmm. If it was mushy you might be giving him too many carrots and sweet potatoes.”
Other recent things I never thought I’d say:
“No, we cannot flush your fish just so you can get a new one. I don’t care if you are bored with it.”
“Who wants to walk on the ceiling?” I hold my daughter upside down so she can “walk” on the ceiling. She hops “over” the lights and doorways. Then my wife makes me clean off the footprints. It’s worth it just to make my little girl giggle.
“Leave us alone! We’re planning your birthday party!” Shouted through the locked bedroom door where my wife and I thought we could escape for a little quick afternoon fun while she was watching TV. We finally gave up because my daughter wouldn’t stop banging on the door and yelling for us.
Because you can pass them off and say, “Oh, they’re drooling. Here you go.”
My daughter knocked on our bedroom door and walked in. Now, this particular time, there was a reason the door was closed, and normally they wait for a “Come in” before they bust in.
Well, Ivygirl got an eyeful, ducked out quickly and ran to her room. Ivylad and I are laughing hysterically in a combination of embarrassment and chagrin, so I don a robe and go console my daughter, who’s most likely scarred for life. 
So, she apologizes profusely, saying she knew she should have waited for an All Clear signal, and said, “I thought you only did that when you wanted a baby!”
"Well, sometimes grown ups do it at other times too."
Another time, I had to tell my son “Don’t eat the paprika out of the bottle.”
“Don’t eat Silly Putty!”
“No, we are not going to vacuum today. No, sweetie, don’t cry, we’ll vacuum the carpet tomorrow. . . here, do you want to play with the broom?” My 19 month old son is obsessed with teh vaccum cleaner; he asks every day to get it out, and usually cries when we put it away. His other favorite pastime is to push a broom around the house. . . if only I thought this would last until his teenage years.
IANAP, but I took a babysitting charge to the zoo once…
“They didn’t make him that way, the tiger was born that color”
“No, you can’t swim with those fish, they are bitey”
and “Hold still and stop screaming!” (she was being chased by a bee)