Possibly because I’ve read this thread and you haven’t? Because this hasn’t happened to me in real life. I’m the Intro with an outgoing husband with a social job/social life. Did you read the responses from the obviously angry and entitled party goers who insist on being left to stew in a corner unmolested? When I’m not in the mood to socialize I stay home. What do you do? Go out and get angry at enthusiastic hosts and guests? How does that serve you?
I’ve read the entire thread, I have no idea where you got that from. I’ve read everyone’s responses, including yours, and you seem to have some sort of entitlement issue that everyone at the party MUST enjoy themselves exactly the same way, or else they’re lying about having fun (and must therefore be grilled until they admit they’re miserable). This isn’t true, and I don’t know why you (still) believe that it is.
When I’m not in the mood to socialize, I stay home too. Here’s the thing. I socialize differently than you. And I ENJOY socializing, EVEN THOUGH it’s different than you. People are different. I don’t know why this is such a difficult concept for you to grasp.
I attended a party last night. I enjoyed myself, even though – or rather, BECAUSE – the bulk of my time was spent talking to only one person at a time. I enjoyed myself even more because the hosts did not feel compelled to insist that I couldn’t possibly be enjoying myself.
I like enjoying myself in a quieter, more low-key, more one-on-one fashion. Amazing, but true. I’m actually NOT LYING about my preferences in regard to what kind of socializing I find enjoyable, or the fact that such preferences can be gasp compatible with parties, as long as no one comes charging in saying I’m doing party wrong.
In fact, I enjoyed myself so much last night that I continued the conversation I was having for an hour after the hosts kicked us out (we went to a sandwich shop afterwards). I have another party coming up Saturday, and a third the weekend after that. I’m looking forward to both of them.
The idea of “contributing to the festive atmosphere” sounds like nightmare. This defines parties as some sort of locus of affective labor., a social cash bar. Even your language of “freedom” and “contribution” make it sound more like a transaction or a system of allocating tax burdens then an actual occasional of mutual celebration and social acceptance. Do you have to ask people if they are having a good time a lot at your parties?
Social (n): Relating to or involving activities in which people spend time talking to each other or doing enjoyable things with each other.
I’ll just reiterate that trying to talk to people who aren’t listening is typically not an enjoyable experience (cf. this thread 
), so it’s disingenuous to accuse people of “not contributing” to the party / over-all social experience when they do listen.
“Talking” is not the sole definition of “contributing” or “socializing.”
Here.
The hosts kicked you out? That’s odd. Isn’t it?
No. But I don’t invite folks who feel obligated or stressed by festive crowds. Those friends come to one on one dinners, not parties.
Quoting out of context is legit debating tactic wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
You think it’s odd the hosts wanted to end the party and, you know, go to bed? Since when is a host obligated to keep the party going for hours past the time they’re willing to? Goodness. Either you’re REALLY reaching, or you know some really pathologically self-sacrificing people.
Or you’re being deliberately obtuse in “not noticing” that I said “kicked US out.” Not me. Us. As well in the context within which I said that.
For clarity (as if it’s really necessary), the designated end-time of the party was 9pm. They kicked out the remaining revelers at around 9:20ish, chiefly by turning the music off and starting to clean up. We remaining revelers, not being socially obtuse, insane, or rude, tipped to what they wanted and respected their wishes the first time they so indicated, and made our way out. Since I was still having fun, I hit up a sandwich shop with my current conversation partner before heading home.
BTW, I really can’t take you seriously when you keep trying to score cheap “debate points” like this. OoooOOOOoooh! They KICKED ME OUT! Isn’t that ODD!!!one1!!eleventy!! I am SO CLEARLY A TERRIBLE GUEST! That’s the ONLY POSSIBLE explanation! Because obviously parties never end and hosts never kick people out for perfectly ordinary reasons! It is so, SO disingenuous. Please. You are not that stupid and neither am I.
Aw, I knew you couldn’t stay away. This is your party, after all, and you have to keep telling us about how we’re not doing it right.
Kaio, might as well save your breath. One person said “steely glare” so naturally all of use glare. I let myself get bent out of shape, so now all of us are angry. I’m not sure where the judgmental part came from, but I’m sure one person said something like that at some time, and so now all of us are that way. Reason is not the language this person understands. Nuance is not in his/her vocabulary.
Roddy
So anyone who isn’t sufficiently into the Christmas spirit doesn’t get invited. Fair enough? I find myself vaguely curious about your wedding. I suppose I have very different expectations of my guests in general. This should be especially true for parties that are only quasi-voluntary. Yes, you more or less have to go to your office party, so really no one has any business badgering you if you don’t seem festive enough. Festivity is only stressful when it is obviously forced. When you know how to throw a good party and just let it happen, it usually does.
So this thread is just an exercise in at lashing out at social butterflies, and I’m your stand-in? If it makes you feel better, let me have it, I’ll be your scapegoat. Newsflash: unless you are actively being hazed, you aren’t a victim of a party. But for those people who want to know why you are being “pestered” for sitting in the corner like a knot on a log, I’ve answered that question as bluntly as you have asked it. It’s assumed that a willing party attendee wants to be with a large group of people in a celebratory fashion, or he/she would decline, yes? Since the invitation was accepted, it’s the responsibility of the host to ensure that everyone is having a good time, and a quiet person in the corner who isn’t participating in the fun everyone else is having will draw attention.
While you claim that attention is the opposite of what you want, at this point it’s starting to appear that your goal *is *to arouse concern and attention from others. Is it really impossible to smile and say something appropriately enthusiastic and reassuring in order to reassure the host that you are enjoying yourself? If you don’t owe your host the courtesy of contributing to a festive atmosphere, don’t you at least owe the host some complimentary and reassuring words? Or is your mere silent, sullen presence gift enough?
Why do you keep making these inaccurate descriptions of how introverts behave at parties? You’ve been asked to come up with examples, but so far just managed to site one person out of context.
How do you know that the people who were criticizing party hosts were not contributing to a festive atmosphere, and did not say anything complimentary or reassuring to the host?
If you can’t come up with examples, please stop making wild exaggerations.
The people complaining about being “bullied” by hosts claim to have been singled out and picked on. If that’s true, then they were doing something to call attention to their behavior that was different from how the other guests were behaving.
I’m a little put off by the push back here, as I did not start a thread complaining about boring, entitled party guests. I explained why a host would persist in attempting to engage a reticent guest.
If you feel singled out and picked on, maybe you should stop calling attention to your weird behavior. Or does that advice only apply to other people?
I’m clearly not the target of the ire here, but I’m serving as a handy stand-in for the hosts this bunch has had run-ins with. But since you’re so observant, maybe you can answer a question. When someone says “Why do people do this” do they actually want an answer? Or is it just a rhetorical tactic for the sake of venting? Wouldn’t a more honest approach have simply been a confessional?
“I want to be invited to parties, but I want to sit quietly in a corner and observe without participating in any of the festivities and I don’t want a single person, especially not the host, to disturb my repose and inquire about my well-being.”
Can you provide an example of someone in this tread claiming to be bullied, or singled out and picked on?
This is a long thread, so perhaps you could quote back to me the person who asked “Why do people do this?” Because glancing over the last few pages of the thread, I don’t see any self-described introverts asking this question. I did see you asking a question of introverts:
Did you actually want an answer to that question? Because several people told you that the strategy you suggest doesn’t always work, and that it’s the times when it doesn’t work that they’re complaining about. Rather than accepting this you started making up stuff like this:
So it certainly looks to me like you weren’t asking an honest question but were just using it as an opening to vent about how awful and rude introverts are.
The host’s responsibility is to provide the space, put food and drink on the table, and to make sure everyone more or less acts civilly. A host can’t force everyone to have fun. It’s enough to create a welcoming environment and let the chips fall into place. Putting social pressure on people to look happy is a little more contrived than I think is really necessary.
What do you do about people that are a little too festive, having a little too much fun who are a little too attention-seeking? Do you ask them if they are all right, with a not-so-subtle hint that they are offending someone by their very presence? Or are they just the life of the party? How do you treat someone who is maybe drinking a little too much? When do you tell people to be a little less festive?
Honestly, no one is trying to defend a person whose negativity sucks all of the life out of the room. But if you don’t know a quiet guest very well, then you probably have no business asking him six times if he’s feeling all right unless he looks green from your sushi hors d’oeuvres. You probably don’t feel much genuine concern at all, and your guest knows this and resents it. You’re just policing the mood for who knows what reason. Parties don’t need festive mood cops. Parties do need quiet people, otherwise the boors wouldn’t be able to feel like the center of attention.
For God’s sake, I don’t get victimized at parties. I go where I am socially obligated to, behave for an hour or two, and leave when I feel a need for quiet coming on. They are at worst a mild inconvenience. This is ordinarily a good community to vent and to find other people who have a similar temperament, because obviously we don’t talk to each other at parties with all of the superfun festivity going on. And then somebody always comes along and plays your role, and round and round we go.
I never thought they were rude or awful, just awkward and uncomfortable.
It’s social pressure to you. To a concerned host, it’s concern.
If it’s sincere, yes. But in the words of a coworker who had just been told “oh, don’t cry!” when she had very good reason to, “you’re not telling me not to cry because you want me to stop hurting, you’re saying it because it bothers you! Fuck that shit and fuck you!”
She was more than a bit angry, but she was also absolutely right. There’s lines which never come out as sincere… “smile!” when said by anybody other than a photographer, for example.
Concern that someone is not “contributing to the festive atmosphere” is quite a bit different than genuine concern for someone’s well-being. Despite what you might think, it’s pretty easy to tell one from the other.