In the world where people in this thread admit glaring at concerned hosts, displaying hostility at those who make suggestions, and make disparaging remarks about outgoing personalities and demand to be left the fuck alone. Also the world in which the admitted loner at a party grows increasingly defensive when others make suggestions about blending in.
I’m not sure what you want to hear. The next get together I have, I promise to leave the loner alone after just one check in, is that what you want? But I can’t promise that other guests will follow suit, and if it appears that the loner is uncomfortable, then I won’t invite him in the future as a courtesy to the other guests. But I’d rather the loner hold his own and find a couple of enthusiastic responses that reassure everyone that he’s suitably entertained.
Few issues are black and white, but this one is a little more black and white than most. The guest should decline if he/she is unable to enjoy themselves and will spend the next day furious at the attitudes of the folks having fun. Same guest should admit that if he is being singled out for attention, then he is doing something to call attention to himself. To that there is really only one solution: blend in a little.
The guest was enjoying himself just fine until everyeone else insisted the guest couldn’t possibly be enjoying himself.
Is that what you tell your kid when he’s being bullied at school, too? “You’re bringing this on yourself.” “It must be something you’re doing.” Lovely.
An introvert at a party should reasonably expect (and respond politely to) an occasional polite inquiry regarding their well-being; he should not have to deal with the Spanish Inquisition.
If the only distinction you make between “bullying” and “harassing an adult party guest who is free to leave at any time” is that the adult party guest is free to leave, then it sounds like we both agree that harassing introverted party guests constitutes assholish behavior.
There are many differences between a child at (mandatory) school and an adult at a voluntary social function, so many that the comparison is laughable.
If all the revelers at the party save one are clearly enjoying themselves, and the admitted introvert knows beforehand that he will not be dancing, laughing, milling about and exhibiting all the usual signs of enjoying himself, he knows to expect inquiries, yes? So that introvert should expect to graciously display some enthusiasm and gratitude in order to reassure concerned parties. What the introverts are demanding here is the freedom to attend a party without contributing whatsoever to the festive atmosphere, and then expect special consideration for aberrant behavior. At a party.
A host is doing you a favor. You don’t get to set the rules for a party that you did not throw.
“Please come to my party, but first you should understand that you must be seen to be enjoying yourself at all times or else be subject to my continued harassment until either you meet my enjoyment standards or you leave. My party, my rules.”
Sounds like a fabulous shindig, but I’ll be busy reading a book that night.
Roddy
Since you consider participation in festivities a burden, and a host’s inquiries as harassment, isn’t this the best possible solution for all? Why this thread?
The body language between someone relaxing and taking it easy on the interaction and someone downright hating a party is like night and day. If you can’t see the difference and nag the relaxer because you think they’re a hater, I do say you’re a bad host. I’m pretty sure if you have someone at your party that supposedly sits there with a constant glare and outright refuses to dance, refuses to talk, refuses to eat, drink, dance, or play games, you don’t have an introvert. Maybe you have an angry person dumped by their boyfriend at the party or something. But an introvert actively does all the normal things at a party, just at a lower key and not 100% of the time. I don’t know where you got the idea that we just sit there and glare at everyone all the time every day.
I mean, honestly, I’d never want to go to one of your parties, if you treat your parties as some sort of gift to mankind that can only be enjoyed a specific way with minimum levels of interaction 100% of the time. When I throw a party pretty much everyone can do whatever they damn well please as long as they’re not damaging the place or hurting anybody. I don’t care if they feel like napping on the couch for 20 minutes, or they’d rather sit outside and shoot the breeze with one guy for a while rather than dance. If it’s a pool party, they don’t have to get in the pool. They don’t have to eat or drink if they’re not hungry or thirsty. They don’t have to talk to every person in the room equally. They can start a game or watch a movie on their own prerogative, or not do either. They don’t have to do anything if they don’t want - it’s not about ME, it’s about letting them relax and have fun however best they like. And all the parties I go to are like that. If I went to a party that wasn’t like that, I’d never go again.
You gotta understand, CLee this is the messageboard with posters who “dont get signals” people give, who don’t understand why other human beings would enjoy going to a bar, dancing, or watching [American] football. They’re special snowflakes antisocial enough to bury themselves in a solitary activity while in a social setting, but extroverted enough to whine to strangers on the internet about being ‘bullied’ by party hosts. Of course, this is during the brief reprieve they are not getting harassed about their atheism or getting their pregnant bellies/tattooed skin groped and fondled by strangers :rolleyes:
The best way for people to dictate the behavior of others is to adjust the behavior of themselves. Unfortunately this requires gasp! a desire and motivation to change their own behaviors. There’s a lot of whining about ‘boundary issues’ going on, and you know what the best way to get people to respect your boundaries is? Its being assertive. But again, that requires sigh work and after a hard day of posting on messageboards about cats, Dr. Who, and dodgeball-spawned PTSD, I guess some people just don’t have the energy or motivation to fix their own problems.
Of course its easier to blame other people. That lets you be the victim, and releases you from any responsibility for life’s annoyances.
Gosh, how dare anybody gripe at all about anything that does not meet your moral standard of things worth talking about. :rolleyes:
Like I said, we’re not exactly marching in protest here. A forum thread on the internet isn’t exactly trying to start a large social movement and ascribing the hugest of deals to a problem.
And you managed to say that we should both change ourselves AND be more assertive at the same time. Hmm.
Anyway, by the whole “you can’t control the actions of others, you can only change yourself or not participate!” thing… wouldn’t that mean if you get on the internet and don’t like the griping you see there, you should change or get off the internet?
From this thread, have you read it? Several posters have expressed outright hostility and disdain for hosts and partygoers, and I paraquoted them. Or have you assumed this interaction is solely between the two of us?
I’m not sure I understand where I would fit here. If I ask for input, I’m willing to consider the other side, and I’ve seen some excellent insight and advice here. Is it because I’m a novice that I’m being raked? Is this an initiation? Because that, I can handle, but if I’m entirely out of line, perhaps I should return to reading rather than discussion.
Ah, well, there’s the answer to my question. Forgive me (or don’t) for answering the question of how to better respond to concerned hosts. If you’d rather attend parties quietly and awkwardly then seethe about it afterwards, please do go on. I’ll keep my input to myself.
What irony is this, really, that the introverts become bullies in the online environment, or is this some weird cosmic justice to you?
But I thought that “There are many differences between a child at (mandatory) school and an adult at a voluntary social function, so many that the comparison is laughable.” If you’re going to say that, I don’t think you can say that this counts as bullying either.
If you also want to ignore all the anecdotes about how a bunch of other introverts enjoy parties, participate in parties, and graciously speak to their hosts when questioned a couple times, go right ahead I guess. Awkward is in the eye of the beholder, much like beauty.
As is your sense of obligation when attending a party hosted by another. If you are consistently the odd man out, you might want to consider another tack. Or opt out. You, unlike underage students, have options. Myriad.
And so do you. If you’re going to say we can’t feel bullied because we can leave at any time, that is also true for you. So don’t pull a double-standard.
Also, no, I’m not particularly a consistent odd man out, unless someone decides to make a big deal out of the fact I don’t drink alcohol (which happens sometimes). Like I said, I attend parties wherein people can do what they want without obligations, so you will have people doing multiple things - one of those things often being exactly suited to me: talking amongst a small group, maybe playing a game, or watching a movie. So I’m not exactly sitting out the whole party or anything. Of course, every now and then someone notices that pattern and how I only pour myself a coke, and they get all animated about how weird I am. Of course, given the party type, everyone else usually looks weird at THAT guy instead.
Huh, I thought you were an adult here voluntarily and with the ability to leave. That would make any notion of you being bullied, in your own words, laughable.
Besides, we only pepper you with these questions and commentary because we’re worried you’re not enjoying yourself. We do it out of concern for your feelings.
No double standard here. You won’t see me hovering around in another one of these threads. You guys want to complain about your struggles with “norms” and support one another without any dissension, more power to you. This isn’t my party. Enjoy.
I’ll just add that I’d be pretty miffed if declining OUT LOUD were somehow a requirement to having someone respect my wishes. Parties can be noisy, making verbal communication next to impossible. Extraverts are just as capable of understanding body language as anyone else. If they can’t, it’s not the introvert’s social skills that need work.
Pro-tip: shaking the head side-to-side with a smile and maybe a little wave = “No thanks, I’m good.” If you get to the point where the head shake is no longer accompanied by a smile, you’ve already crossed a line.
Don’t make me say No more than once. All that says is that you enjoy power-tripping over me, not that you have any concern with how much fun I’m having.
I love how you assume that this MUST be done tersely and with a glare, rather than brightly with a smile. Because intros are all assholes, apparently, and there’s literally only one way to say “Thanks, I’m fine.”
Yes, you’ve made your biases very very clear in all your posts in this thread. Intros are assholes, extras can do no wrong:
…while missing the obvious fact that a host not gracefully accepting the answer to his concern at face value is the polar opposite of showing concern for your guest’s happiness and well-being. It, in fact, shows an utter lack of concern for how your guest feels and a lack of respect for her boundaries. She just told you that she doesn’t have fun exactly the same way you do. Get over it.
She doesn’t owe you her life story to placate you that she’s really, honestly, truly telling you the truth, either. You’re an adult, you ought to be at a point where you can handle a little diversity of personalities without angst.
There are different ways for people to enjoy parties. This has been reiterated to you over and over. If someone says they’re fine sitting quietly listening, why oh why must you assume that they are lying to you?
