I disagree. Saying “I think you are stupid and boring, but I don’t dislike you for it” is still contemptuous, and that seems to be what you are saying. Condescension doesn’t cancel out contempt, it enhances it.
This has always been my understanding of introversion. Not that it means you’re bad with people and dread social interaction, but that introverts need their alone time more than the rest of us, and find long bouts of socialization tiring. Somehow on the internet that got corrupted to smugly antisocial people-hater.
The path to smugly antisocial people-hater becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hated people a lot more before I understood my own introversion better. It’s easy to come to the conclusion that other people are boring and stupid, and that social interaction is just bullshit that no one really enjoys but does not have the courage to walk away from altogether. People told me for years how I need to go out more, make more friends, pick up the telephone, etc. It is hard not to come to really hate that and identify other people as the source of one’s problems.
These beliefs were all wrong and they proceeded from my misunderstanding of my own personality and needs. Now I manage it much better and am happier overall. I do have to do things that some people think are anti-social. For instance, my wife and I are very fond of having dinner guests and we really like to lay out the red carpet. But after 9PM or so, I have to remove myself. Either I go into the kitchen and clean up or say my goodnights altogether and leave. If I am around people who are not my wife past a certain point, I will often be angry and depressed the day afterwards and will have a hard time concentrating on my work. I understand that it does seem rude and anti-social so I try to do it gracefully. But it is a fact of my existence as much as having to take an insulin shot if I were diabetic. If I did not feel I had any social boundaries, I would probably find myself angry at other people all the time and fall down the misanthropic rabbit hole.
Extroverts can/do hate people too. Introverts probably just have less patience and thus suffer no fools.
Since we’re expressing contempt in here, let me throw some shade at those horrible extroverts who have poor social skills. Because social awkwardness is by no means monopolized by the introverts, and at least we tend to keep our shit contained.
I’d much rather deal with someone who rarely speaks and hates eye contact than someone who has no sense of personal or physical boundaries, gloms onto strangers like they’re best friends, doesn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise and interrupts without thought, and does creepy stuff like try to give strangers back rubs.
Remember this international incident? That was an extrovert responsible. Do I need to say more.
Me too.
Also, I’m not anyone’s trained monkey. If you don’t find me entertaining enough, you can always go talk to someone else. I don’t talk just to fill space. I’ll talk if I have something to say. Otherwise, please keep in mind that telling your story would be a lot less entertaining if no one was listening, so don’t accuse me of “not contributing.”
The other part that I hate, especially in regards to the obligatory business networking, is that this “socializing” nearly always takes place in extremely noisy environments. If you want to ask me why I’m so quiet there, the only honest answer I can give is “because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” (You’d probably prefer the illusion that I’m hanging on your every word, so, you know, don’t bring it up.)
That’s 90% why large groups/parties are exhausting, btw. I’m constantly straining to follow the conversation in front of me that’s being swallowed up in an ocean of white noise. I have no freaking clue how anyone else manages to follow a conversation well enough to have something to say. I end up tacking myself on to the edge of the cluster and pretending I’m a part of it. Awkward. Contrast to small groups in quiet environments – I’ll talk up a storm, because I actually know what’s going on.
Rather than start a new thread on introversion I thought I would ask here:
Is there a twelve-step program or something tangible (based on actual human interaction) that an introvert can tap into for learning how to converse in a meaningful and productive manner? I can carry my own in a greeting but am lost after about 30-60 seconds. If I try to exert myself I end up acting like an ‘interviewer’, most likely because others aren’t compelled to get to know me and ask me about my life. I am starting to understand that others aren’t compelled to get to know me because of the way I am… not that they don’t care.
I don’t know of a 12 step program, but I think the way to get better at human interaction is 1. try not to overthink it, 2. recognize that other people are a lot like you in a lot of ways, and 3. practice.
The real problem is that in some situations it really is rude not to be social. If you go to a networking event as part of your employment, then it can really hurt your business if you don’t socialize.
I’ve screwed myself over by entering a profession where being social is nearly a requirement. Almost to the point where you can’t engage in a meaningful business relationship without having a meaningful social relationship. I hate this. I’ve tried to find creative ways of advancing my career without building social relationships, but nothing really works. Recently, I’ve just been spending my waking hours feeling really bitter about the whole situation.
- Drink quite a lot.
Confidence.
I personally don’t agree with the concepts of “social skills” or intro/extroversion… It’s a matter of interest.
The so-called “introverts” are just intelligent people who easily get bored and self-conscious, so they’re not lively just standing around talking about small stuff with random people.
Put an “introvert” in an intellectually stimulating situation with other people and suddenly they’ll be an “extrovert”.
I really wish people would stop trying to pigeon-hole other people with these ridiculous concepts, you’ll always get different reactions in different situations. “Social skills”, what nonsense.
Pigeon-holing aside, you do make a very salient point here 
I’m horrible at small talk, gossip, etc. Or rather – I don’t like it. A conversation entirely made of small talk bores me to tears. Now, I’m savvy enough enough of an actor to give the impression that oh yes, I’m so interested in what you’re saying, but inside I’m dying.
But put me with a bunch of like-minded people with whom I share interests and who “get” my mental gymnastics, and I come alive.
This is one of the reasons why I’ve never had many friends at work. It’s nothing against anybody, but it’s a rare occurrence “clicking” with somebody.
I don’t agree with a single word in One Love’s post, but I agree with **kiz **about the “click”.
I’m an extreme introvert myself. Occasionally, though, I “click” with someone. It’s a very rare thing that has only happened a handful of times in my life, but when it does happen, it’s wonderful.
With these people, I have no problems at all having conversations, be it in-depth philosophical debates or just random chit-chat, and it usually results in proper friendships. (Note that these people don’t have to be fellow introverts, in most cases these people have been more on the extraverted side.)
The thing is, or so it seems to me, extraverts don’t really need the click, or not so much. They seem to be able to talk to anyone.
This is stupid.
Nice contribution to the discussion. And I disagree with you. I won’t elaborate further, since I think One Love said it pretty well.
Roddy
Oh god, really? So introverts are just smart people who don’t care for small talk? You know, Dog invented extroverts who are bored by inane chatter too. That’s not what introversion is. You can continue calling that if it makes you feel better, but introversion isn’t a matter of intellect or social skills, and neither is extroversion for that matter. His post was ridiculous, and so are you if you agree with it.
Well at least this time you fleshed out your objections so that a person can understand why you think his views are stupid.
Look, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have the kinds of skills to pretend to be interested in people who are boring or boorish. Less because they make me anxious than because I just don’t care to put out the effort. “Why are you so quiet” will generally not get the truth from me, which is often “because you don’t seem capable of having an intelligent conversation,” or “because I have no idea what to say to the inane nonsense that you’ve been babbling for the past 10 minutes.” I don’t think that makes me superior or more intelligent, it just makes me lazy and selfish. Until I find someone who seems worth the effort. Then I seem like a different person, even to myself. So I thought that One Love’s post, aside from the value judgments in it, described me pretty well. Therefore, from personal anecdotal experience, I did not find it stupid.
Roddy
I already explained myself earlier in this thread. But anyway, I didn’t realize we could just swap out the terms introvert and extrovert with descriptions of ourselves and that would fly. Okay then, so extroverts are charming people who are stunningly gorgeous. What, that’s not what that means? But it describes me* and I’m an extrovert, therefore such a definition is not stupid.
*So does not describe me.
I’m profoundly introverted (I say this with neither shame or pride) and I kind of disagree with One Love too. For me, talking is a chore regardless of what the topic is. The whole social dance is energy draining, regardless what tune is playing.
I agree that the topic does matters. If I had a choice between doing the small talk thing or having a Profound and Meaningful Conversation, I’d certainly pick the latter. And I’d last longer with it. But it’s not like it would make me turn into an extrovert. I’d still get tired from the exchange.
I’m starting to think my dislike with the social dance is due to one part innate introversion and one part something else. Like, not so much lack of desire but lack of ability (which then loops back into lack of desire). I really don’t express myself very well through spoken word. It can also be kind of hard for me to understand what others are saying. Lifelong practicing has helped, but I still struggle with speaking and listening. If you have to struggle through something, naturally it’s not going to be enjoyable or something you want to do all the time. And naturally it’s going to be exhausting. I definitely think that if I were a better communicator, I wouldn’t be so introverted. In other words, I think my ability to socialize is just as important as my innate personality in determining my propensity to socialize.
Likewise, I think there are some extroverts who would probably be more introverted if they found a solitary activity they were good at. Not everyone is a good reader (or likes to read). Not everyone has the physical fitness to take long walks or jog on the beach. Not everyone has natural artistic ability or the stamina to develop the talent. So they turn to socializing as their activity. But in an alternate universe, where they developed under a different set of circumstances (maybe they had an awesome music teacher who took them and encouraged them to be the greatest pianist ever…whereas in this world their music teacher was a jerk), they would turn out with slightly more introverted leanings.
So I think people are fooling themselves if they think their personalities are fixed and independent of their skills and leanings, which is what One Love may be hinting at. But I don’t agree with the idea that introverts are all smart people who just haven’t been stimulated in their conversational G spots. Not all of us are smart. And not all of us need that kind of stimulation. It’s an oversimplistic notion on its face.