Because I, jarbabyj, of jarbabyj fame, am going to be a JINGLE ELF in the Marshall Field’s JINGLE ELF PARADE this coming Thanksgiving. And if that isn’t fucking cool ENOUGH, I’m going to be a “balloon wrangler”, which means I’M FRIGGING CARRYING A GIANT GARFIELD BALLOON AROUND or some such crap.
“…ha ha ha! Good one, Bryant! This next float, which illustrates the theme of ‘accepting the will of our tormentors,’ has Kathie Lee’s hair depicted by 25,000 bird-of-paradise flowers from the Big Island of Hawaii. It took six months to build and the rest of eternity to justify.”
“Thanks, Jane. Now, while people down in the street wait in the cold for five minutes for the next float to arrive, we’ll go to some annoying commercials for products those watching at home won’t want to buy.”
This may be the first time in the history of the English language that the phrases “I . . . am going to be a jingle elf” and “I rock” have been used together. I remember back in the day, all the really cool kids the neighborhood dressed like elves. And associated themselves with Garfield the greedy cat.
“And look who’s coming up Lake Shore Drive now, Fred! Our old cartoon friend, that fat lasagna-loving feline, Garfield! Apparently that particular balloon is making its twentieth appearance in our Thanksgiving parade, and is made with over two thousand square yards of… wow, holy [bleep]! Check out the rack on that elf!”
“No kidding, Jim. You think she’s cold in that outfit?”
“Either that or she’s smuggling diamond cutters in from Canada.”
My financial situation is so dire, I am actually considering
putting in an application for ‘elf’ at Fields, Nordstoms…
I’m a little worried that they might be hesitant to hire a Jewish elf… At least I’m the right height.
I wonder if they make ‘elf underwire bras’ Of course if you think about it, elves probably are Jewish…who else would work on Christmas?
I can see it now, “Merry Christmas!” Miss Creant bends over to put child on Santa’s lap while uttering OY!