My wedding is next August, and my fiance and I have a birthday each and a Christmas before then. Would it be the height of gaucheness to suggest wedding-related gifts for the birthdays and Christmas (wedding jewellery, the toasting glasses, that kind of stuff)? Your opinions, please.
I wouldn’t think that it would be in bad taste. I was always under the impression that any requests for B-day and Xmas gifts were up to the recipient, and that there really were no taste guidelines. Of course, I am quite the selfish bastard at recieving gifts.
Anyone else?
I’m no etiquette expert (burp!), but I’d say it’s a bit tacky. Shouldn’t wedding-related items be an expense that the bride and groom themselves should split?
(By the way, did you mean that you’re BOTH thinking of hinting TO OTHER PEOPLE about gifts, or each hinting to EACH OTHER? I’m not sure if my answer applies to both, though it might.)
I dunno, though, maybe someone else with more etiquette expertise than me (scratch scratch) will say differently.
Yes, I’m afraid it would be in very bad taste. The choice of gift (and whether to give one) belongs to the giver, not the recipient. Soliciting gifts is always a no-no – with the exception of showers, and even then outright requests or suggestions are verboten. You simply graciously accept whatever people choose to give you. Using your birthdays (and especially Christmas!) to haggle for extra wedding gifts would be, well, pretty darn tacky. Sorry.
Love,
Scarlett, Miss Manners fan
One more vote for “uh-uh”. Because it seems to imply that all you care about is getting lots of wedding-related “stuff”, and that you’ll seize upon any holiday excuse to get some. “Hey, it’s Grandparents Day, how about a toaster oven?”
Like that.
One’s birthday, and Christmas, should be celebrated “as” a birthday, and “as” Christmas, not “as” a wedding, that, realistically, according to statistics and the way people do change their minds, may or may not stick, if it even comes off at all. Next August is a long ways away. What if I got you a toaster oven for Christmas, because you requested “wedding” presents instead, and then the wedding didn’t come off? You and I would both be feelin’ pretty stupid, because all you got from me for Christmas was a toaster oven, when I really wanted to get you a sterling silver charm bracelet.
No offense. Just what would go through the mind of a forty-something product of the Eisenhower Era, who has seen a lot of parties of the first part and parties of the second part change their minds… 
What Scarlett said.
Oh, okay, since “me too’s” are tacky as well…
Miss Manners really is right on this one. Maybe there are some exceptions for close family who solicit gift ideas but otherwise the point is to just be thrilled and touched at the givers’ thoughtfulness in caring enough to give you something.
As far as preemptive hinting goes, I guess that depends on how close you are to the folks. Probably if you start feeling uncomfortable, it’s going over the line.
Veb
Nineiron, she’s not talking about wedding “supplies” like liquor and paper plates and napkins, she’s talking about wedding “gifts”, like place settings of china, silverware, etc. “The bride is registered at Feebleman’s Department Store, GiftsRUs, and the Tacky Emporium…”
And the other traditional category of wedding “gifts” is “stuff for setting up housekeeping”, like toaster ovens.
I see nothing wrong with it.
I gather you are talking about things to use at the wedding, rather than post wedding gifts.
I also assume you both only get birthday and Christmas presents from close friends and relatives who should be amenable to such a request.
I think the etiquette gurus are right on this.
Plus, methinks that “wedding gifts” may feel exciting now while the wedding is so far off, but by the time the thing is over the deluge of household crap may get old. Enjoy the holidays as a chance to get something for you, something personal.
I admit that my thrilled-to-death-and-couldn’t-wait Mother-in-law bought me a few of the wedding-registry things for my birthday, but that was okay. She was just into it.
I was actually coming at this from the approach that my sisters and I are all in our thirties, none of us really needs anything anymore, and we’re usually at a loss for what to get each other for birthday and Christmas gifts, not from the approach that I could get more presents this way. I don’t really care much about presents, one way or the other. I tend to focus much more on what I’m making to give other people at Christmas than on what I might be getting.
I can see where you’re coming from, though, people, that assuming people will give me a specific gift (or any gift at all) is pretty bold. <sigh>; it seemed like such a good idea for everyone involved, too.
Yes, I think it’s a little tacky to ask for wedding gifts to be given on other occasions.
However, you might have a teeny bit of an out. If you have a sister, or your mom, or a close friend, to whom you can bare your soul about your gift desires without worrying about whether or not they will judge it as tacky, then this *one designated *person might pass this along if anyone else asks (but only if they ask first). As in:
Grandma: What do you think Featherlou might like for Christmas this year?
Mom: Well, now that you ask, I think she would like some of the wedding things that she is registered for. And I think the toast glasses would be especially meaningful to her if they were a gift from you.
But if Grandma decides to give you a Christmas sweater with kittens wearing Santa hats without consulting Mom, then, well, then you are the proud owner of a Christmas sweater.
This is, of course, if your family tends to consult each other about gifts in the first place.
Oops, I should clarify what I meant by wedding-related gifts. That would be stuff to use at the wedding, like a special pair of earrings, or a nice necklace, or some fancy napkin rings; just nice extras for the day, that people who gave them to me (and I do mean immediate family) would be proud to have them used for the wedding. And we do consult each other about gifts; we’re actually very pragmatic about gift-giving.
Asking anybody to give you something, specifically (“I want earings”) or generally (“give me a gift”) is rude. Period.
That’s etiquette 101, and it’s easy to see why: a gift is something a giver gives out of the kindness of their heart, not out of obligation, and the receiver should be grateful for the thought, not the actual gift.
However. If someone asks you what you’d like for your birthday, there is no problem with giving them suggestions.
Well, you could always ask Miss Manners. But I think she would say, “A gift is a gift. Unless questioned by the giver as to what you want, one should not ask for a specific gift.”
If it weren’t the birthday before your wedding, would you feel comfortable saying to friends and family, “My birthday is coming up, and I’d really like a kayak, a set of diamond earrings - let me show you which ones - and a tuxedo.”?
If friends or family ask about a gift you would like, you could say, “I would like <this> because when I wear/use it at the wedding, it will have a special meaning to me, because you gave it to me for that special day.”
But to ask for a specific gift, without prompting, just because you can use it later for another purpose . . . is . . . not nice.
Have a nice wedding. Keep in mind that no matter what else, you will have what you need at the wedding - friends, family and your bride/groom. It’s better to drink your wedding toast from a dixie cup than to complain to all that you would rather have crystal glasses
As long as you don’t ask for things you’re going to use on the wedding night.
Duck Duck Goose: the original post mentioned toasting glasses and wedding jewelry, which are things used IN the ceremony. This is a big difference from silverware and china settings.
Either way, I still think it’s not polite.
My understanding of the etiquette is that gifts are always a surprise, even when they aren’t. You invite your friends to share your happy occasion, and if they decide to give a gift, that’s just out of the generosity of their hearts. Even though for them, it’s expected, for you, it’s extremely tacky to mention them- makes it sound like you’re interested in gettin’ stuff, not in their company.
I vote yes, it is very tacky.
If finances are an issue and you need help buying these things, I would suggest speaking with your parents, if applicable, in a tactful way (I’m assuming they are alive and in contact, of course, but I apolgize in advance if this is not the case) and seeing if they would want to contribute to something like this as part of their wedding gift.
Or suggest to them that if any relatives or friends are looking for wedding gift ideas, they could possibly buy jewelry or toasting glasses or whatever for the wedding. I would consider this perfectly acceptable. Trust me, people appreciate an easy idea for wedding gifts, they are a pain in the ass.
My mother paid for our honeymoon trip and rehearsal dinner; my mother-in-law bought her wedding dress and paid for the wedding.
Otherwise, I would expect to dig into your pockets for these things.
As for “wedding type presents”. Trust me your female relatives more likely than not will be shopping for wedding type gifts for you already, ie blankets, housewares etc., and you will be getting tons of this crap for your birthday and Christmas.
There’s a good chance by the time you get to your wedding you might have so many damn dish sets you will never use that you might be hard pressed for wedding gift ideas. This is what happened to me and my wife, anyway. it got to the point when we got home from my wifes birthday celebration, which was a few weeks before the Big Day, she was going “when am I going to get a FUN present?” It got to the point where we were hinting that money would make a great wedding gift. Which is hard to do without looking tacky too.
If anything, you might want to drop hints, if asked, that would be completely non-household related as birthday and Xmas gifts.
IME, you will get things like toasting glasses and such for Christmas and your birthdays whether you want them or not. If everyone knows you’re getting married soon, that’ll be in their minds. I would drop a hint to Mom, maybe, along the lines of “Hubby-to-be and I would love to have the family involved in picking out things for the wedding” and leave it at that. I think that’s about as direct as you can get in terms of etiquette.
I don’t think it’s bad taste as long as someone asks you what you would like for those occasions. I mean, don’t go around telling people that you want this stuff if they wouldn’t give you gifts anyway. But, if it’s your grandma and she always gives you a gift and always says, hey, what would you like, why the hell not.