Bangor, ME-- Pokemon cards are near their distribution and exchange limit, at 99.999%. Collectors are eagerly waiting for Kevin Matthews to get together and exchange Magmar for Wheezing, bringing the distribution to 100%. At this point all collectors have the maximum number of cards available from the current pool by exchange alone. Kevin is demanding also 2 energy cards “since Wheezing is 10HP less than Magmar.”
Kansas Creationists Make Pigs Fly
Topeka, KS — The Reverend Jedediah Falwell and other scientists gathered in front of the state capital today to announce that they had made pigs fly. “It wasn’t easy,” said the reverend, “but we finally did it. Evolutionists would assert that pigs cannot be made to fly because they have not evolved the complex flight mechanisms of birds.”
Reporters asked the reverend to explain how they finally achieved success. “Well, we tried all kinds of things, like fitting the pigs with wings and dropping them off the tops of buildings. Finally, it dawned on us exactly what the nature of the problem was,” the reverend said, “We simply redefined ‘fly’ to mean ‘wallowing in mud’. Suddenly, all our pigs are out here on the capitol lawn flying. As you can clearly see.”
Sure enough, several pigs were flying all over the lawn. One flew back and forth over and over, onto its back and onto its stomach again. All were amazed at the spectacle.
“We want to get word of this to the school board as quickly as possible,” said the reverend. “Next, we’re going to work hell freezing over. We already have people on the way to San Francisco.”
Sources say the school board plans to meet next week, and has already adopted a resolution to require the study of pig flight in all Kansas schools.
MESSAGE BOARD DENIZENS ADMIT LEGAL CREDENTIALS FORGED
Recently, several habitués of the Straight Dope Message Board have confessed to their true status in the legal profession: None. Frequently, these people will trumpet their membership in the secret cabal, IANAL (International Association of Non-Attorney Liars) by placing the above acronym in a post that nonetheless offers legal advice.
“I was shattered to learn the truth,” said Rueben Dingle, a freelance gynecologist whose life was ruined after he followed bogus legal advice from a member of IANAL. “Here I was relying on these people for free legal tips, and now this. I want my money back.”
“I don’t see what everyone is so upset about,” said IANAL member OpalCat on the condition that she not be identified. “I mean, they should have figured it out from the IANAL acronym. I feel no remorse for the suffering we’ve caused…No! Wait! I meant…come back here!”
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Worcester, MA–Rich earning more than poor. According to the study, of the 1,794 Ferrari Testarossas sold in the U.S. between January 1992 and January 2000, 1,794 were purchased by the rich. Conversely, of the 3,589 used 1974 AMC Gremlins sold during that same period, 3,589 were purchased by the poor. Additionally, ownership of traditionally “rich” luxury items–including sterling-silver tea sets, antique Persian rugs, and priceless collectible art–is a whopping 48,000 percent less common among the poor than the wealthy. Most alarming, a full 100 percent of the 1,200 British butlers currently working in the U.S. are under the employ of individuals living above the poverty line.
ok, it’s from the real
"ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET" A FRAUD
Hollywood, CA – Laundromat owners from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon are reeling today, after a startling disclosure made yesterday by a top television executive.
“I cannot reveal my sources,” said the executive who asked to remain anonymous, “but I can say without ANY doubt that television advertisers have been defrauding the public for YEARS, and laundry owners across the country are in on it, too. The facts are these: There IS no freakin’ ancient Chinese secret to doing laundry. THEY USED CALGON!”
Executives at Calgon, Inc. refused to respond to our inquiries, and we have received numerous reports nationwide of local laundries shutting their doors and boarding up their windows. Consumers are up in arms (those that have clean clothes, that is).
More details on this earth-shaking story as they become available. Meanwhile, here’s a word from our sponsor…
StoryTyler
“Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
I Spy Ty.
Chicago, IL-- Message board forms clique and anti-clique. Believing themselves to be in virtual reality, the clique and anti-clique declare open war, annihilating each other and bringing the message board (the cryptic SDMB) down.
“That was fun”, said onlooker Carl. “Of course we lost 60 members, but let’s do it again.”
Washington, DC–The Worldwatch Institute wags it finger at the world. By foollowing their instructions, the world could stop it’s human population at 7 billion. “When the Dow Jones goes up, the state of the Earth goes down”, said Lester Brown of the institute. The climate disaster can still be stopped by increasing the use of solar energy. The report fell on the deaf ears of the world, other than two US Catholics. One in California was remided of his upcoming vasectomy appointment, making a note not to miss it this time. The other one , in NY State, also made an appointment.
Apr 15, 2050, Washington DC–Information overload brought the US to a grinding halt. Information Czar Stan Wilson announced “We have to stop gathering information. We have 99% of the people inputting and cataloging information, but only 1% processing it. The information gathered so far will take 500 years to process.”
Europe, reacting to the overload, came to a halt 12 hours later, after coming to work following a long weekend.
Okay it looks like I’m the only one who doesn’t get it. I have read through these anecdotes and most of them have me scratching my head- and no it’s not lice (any more)- are we making up our own SNL news skits? Is this the thread for DailyShow wannabes? I’ll play, but I wanna know what the game is.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
the game is www.theonion.com
Mercy, that wasn’t much help- that site is basically the same thing as what’s in this thread, but with pictures. I’ve always thought of myself as reasonably bright, but I still need another hint. Is this the “stories you won’t believe are real”? “Idiots in Positions of Power”? Something like News of the Weird?
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
Local Woman Simply "Doesn’t Get It"
Chaos erupted at the most recent City Council meeting when a local woman known as “Opus” announced that she “just doesn’t get what everyone is talking about.”
“You guys all think you’re so goddamned clever,” she screeched at the small, mostly elderly crowd that usually has nothing to do than sit in the musty-smelling meeting room at City Hall. “You write all these little blurbs but they don’t make any sense. Are they jokes?” she continued over fits of sobbing.
She supplemented her remarks later in the evening with “What? They just don’t seem to make much sense.”
“We like Opus,” Mayor Thomas Talbott said later, “but Jesus, she can be thick sometimes.” Talbott was apparently referring to an well-publicized incident in 1997 in which Opus failed to understand that the punchline to popular joke going about town was “I’m a frayed knot,” not “I’m afraid not.” “Shit, her reaction was a million times funnier than that stupid joke was,” Talbott chuckled.
Other witnesses stated that Opus had made some unusal statements prior to the meeting. “She was talking about how funny the Family Circus was in the paper this morning,” said neighbor Lisa Pollard. “I mean, really- Family Circus? Damn, she must have Alzheimers or something.”
Following the meeting, several of Opus’ friends took to the coatroom and spent 20 minutes explaining the concepts of “satire,” “humor,” and “smiling politely even when you don’t get it” to her. Witnesses report that she still appeared confused on the way to her car afterwards, and attempted to unlock the back door of her car instead of the front.
County Social Serivces workers will follow-up with Opus later this week. They are expected to start her on small doses of “Live At the Improv” until her condition improves.
Body found floating in the Potomac River, local man finally "gets it"
Following a lead from County Social Services workers, authorities were led to the corpse of one Nurlman, found floating in the Potomac River early this morning. The victim had been tortured and sexually molested with what appeares to be power tools, and there were strong indications that the victim finally succumbed in what can only be described as auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Police are questioning opus, but thus far have been answered only with stoic replies of “now I get it… now I get it…”
Geez, I spend one lousy night with SqrlCub, and I do mean lousy…
MO–Man suffers from message board angst. is it all worth it?
MO–Man suffers from message board angst. is it all worth it?
All right, Opus. We need more info here… Out with it!
StoryTyler
“Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
Steiway, MO–Message board member experiences Internet Angst. Hackers, lost passwords, possible invasion of privacy. Maybe I’ll use pen and paper to communicate, he thinks.
Steinway, MO–Man still experiences angst, now also deja vu.
Davenport, IA–Bachelor discovers 3 unmatched socks in laundry. All three are in shades of gray. No two are a good enough match for even weekend socks. The three socks will await in the sock drawer until there is uneven wear in the other gray socks at the heels, at which point they can be mated with the surviving sock of the worn pair. Provided the colors match.
Nashville, TN–Man discovers yet another survey in his mailbox, with “your response is required by law.” What gimmick will they think of next? he thinks, tossing the US Census in the trash.