Make up your ONION story

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Onion(www.theonion.com)has short items that start out like this:
Guitar-Instruction Manual Has Eddie Van Halen On Cover, ‘Go Tell Aunt Rhody’ Inside
ELIZABETH, NJ–Rock The House In 30 Days, a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play Books, features superstar rocker Eddie Van Halen in the midst of a raging guitar solo on the cover, and such traditional, public-domain songs as “Go Tell Aunt Rhody,” “Greensleeves” and “Little Brown Jug” inside.

If your life were covered by Onion, what sort of news stories would they have? If it’s not funny, then shoot for sarcastic.

  1. ST.LOUIS, MO–Second grader Kerry Saarinen spent the third day home with a cough and fever and playing Pokemon on GameBoy. The boy reported that this was an especially convenient time to use his sister’s GameBoy and a cable to trade monsters between the red and blue versions. “I can’t wait to get Pokemon yellow”, he added.

  2. PEORIA, IL–Two scientists from the XYZ Chemical Co received two salesmen, Scott and Bob in a cramped vacant office to talk about the potential of an $80 000 monitoring system using some sort of spectroscopy, “GLX”. The scientists acted mildly interested, as Bob and Scott showed demos on a Dell laptop and made notes in their appointment book (containing a Palm Pilot as well), about potential other clients at the XYZ company. Bob had on loafers and socks with discreetly embroidered ducks, while Scott had laced wingtips. The scientists later agreed that the instrument seemed easy to use, but that the boss would not spend the money this year.

2

Only for SDMBers:

  1. PLDennison converts to Christianity.
    Ohio-Well-known SDMB poster PLDennison has recently accepted Jesus Christ into his heart. The noted atheist, after much introspection, has become a member of the 700 Club and plans to support Pat Robertson in the television preacher’s next presidential bid. “I recognize the error of my ways, and ask for forgiveness from the people I attempted to lead astray in my sinful days”, the part-time musician stated. When asked what prompted his conversion, he mentioned long soul-searching and the ministry of his friend David B, another former atheist who has joined the one true religion.

Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide.
Maréchal Lyautey

3

Tampa,FL–Michelle, an animal lover, is spending an evening with her pets.Right now, one cat is in the litter box, another is laying on my kitchen counter, a third in on her computer desk, and the fourth is asleep on her pillow. Her African Grey is happily dropping food on the carpet. Her two parakeets and cockatiel are cleaning themselves and spreading bird dust everywhere. Her two rats are not really doing much of anything. Michelle works hard to keep her house clean, but she loves her babies and she wishes she had room for more!Bring all those stranded kittens to 1189 Nebraska Ave, Apt.D. No UPS deliveries.

4

Sunbear, why is one of my cats on your kitchen counter? :slight_smile:

Oh and Nebraska Ave is not far from where I live!

I crave an art that passionately transcends the mundane instead of being a device for self-deception.–Griffin, from The Griffin and Sabine trilogy.

5

I’m sending it back, UPS.

6

New York, NY–Mike Lubnikoff is spending a quiet evening at home.He can be happy for a number of things.He has a great new job with people he likes. He has three social gatherings between today and Saturday.One of those gatherings is with fellow devotees of a cult,the Straight Dope. He does have a mild cold – this is good in his opinion,because it’s not a severe cold.
He’ll be getting his own place again soon, complete with a ballsy new computer.He just turned 28.He has a chance every day of meeting somebody with whom he’ll fall deeply in love. It has not happened for 685 days now.He gets a good workout at the gym at least three times a week, and is slowly returning himself to good shape.

He gets to go to Vegas in January for a trade show, where he’ll see a lot of old friends and collect mugs and pens, following the lead of his hero, Wally from Dilbert.

7

Cosa Mesa, CA-- Arnold Winkelried has reported for jury duty at his local court house, despite not having U.S. citizenship. He is being considered for the jury on a murder case, where the fatal shooting of a convenience store clerk is captured on video. Arnold has always been curious about the workings of the US legal system, and may serve despite the error in the system. “It will be cool to see that video tape,” he added.

8

Chicago, IL-- On wednesday this week, members of a slightly kinky message board, pretending to be so with it,discuss at length gender roles and convincing acting on sit coms, specifically acting as a convincing hetero.

9

These stories are more along the lines of the Gossip columns in the local paper that the little old ladies write.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bob Hocker spent the weekend at their son’s house in Grand Rapids. A good time was had by all.

Happy Birthday to Tiffany Goddard, who turns 20 on April 23.

There were 32 attendees to the Freeman Christian Church on Sunday, who listened to Rev. Richard Cornwall preach on the evils of pride."

Ad nauseum. It makes me sick to read that drivel.

–Tim

We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first “lost generation” nor today’s lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.

10

TEENAGE GIRL SHOCKS FAMILY “I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN”

Reuters:
Spooner WI. Fourteen year old Cindy Ann Wallace shocked friends and family alike by announcing that she “Never asked to be born”.

“We had no idea that she had not given her full concent to be born” said mother Barbara Wallace “I have to admit I feel partially responsible for this oversite, having allowed her father to mount and impregnant me after dollar beer night at Chili’s”.

Sources close to the Wallace family report that the shocking revelation was brought to light after her father David Lee Wallace refused to extend Cindy Wallaces ten o’clock cerfew.

11

Good one, Inky.

DURANGO, COLORADO. Members of the staff at Fort Lewis College were stunned today when Michael Spender, 19, announced that he had successfully registered for all the classes he wanted for the upcoming semester.

“Got everything I wanted, man,” Michael reportedly told the staff of the records office. The first-year freshman then proceeded to walk out of the office holding a printout of his schedule and “whistling happily”.

“We have no idea how this happened,” said Lucina Davis, head of the Fort Lewis records office. “Nobody ever gets all the classes they want.”
– Sylence

I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

12

Grown Man Goes To Pokémon Movie, Declares It To “Suck”

NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS – Jeffrey Verzak, age 26, upon going to a recent showing of the children’s cartoon Pokémon, declared the movie to “suck”.
“I don’t know man,” Jeff reported, “my girlfriend really wanted to see it for some reason and I guess I just did it to make her happy. But wow, did that movie suck.”
Despite the rave reviews the movie has received in such venues as The Kids’ Movie Minute and Pokémon Digest, Jeff failed to be impressed by the great number of pokémon in the film, the fabled evil pokémon, nor the short film occuring before the main feature.
“Sweet God damn, did that first cartoon suck,” was Jeff’s reaction, “It was like a bad acid trip or something, seeing some seventeen foot tall yellow mouse thing yelling ‘Pikachu!’ over and over.”
Jeff’s failure to be impressed by the childrens’ themed movie comes on the tail of his non-impressed reaction to Tarzan and the straight to video Bartok the Magnificent.
“You would not believe how much those movies sucked.”

“I guess one person can make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn’t.”

13

Very good,all. Inky, work on the spelling.

I liked Pikachu’s vacation. Why is it none of the other Pokemon say real words, but Meowth does?

14

Sanibel,FL-- FLORIDA TEENAGER TAKES "PURITY@ TEST. An unnamed Florida teenager, male, took a test on the Internet about sexual activity, without alluding to real “sex”, as defined by the president. The questions included the following:Have you Masturbated? (gasp)
Had your hand fall asleep during masturbation?
Been caught at masturbation?
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show or any other burlesque show?
Seen the RHPS willingly?
Seen blatant sexual objects? Condoms, dildos, nipple clips - that sort of thing.
Made an anatomically correct snowperson or sandperson or mermaid?
The teenager in question lists, hopefully sarcastically, meteorology as ahobby. Sociologists predict the teenager will probably remain a virgin until the first year of college. This apparently is becoming more usual than in previous decades.

15

YOUNG GIRLS GATHER, SQUEEL, MILL ABOUT AIMLESSLY

NEW YORK, NY, December 8 – Self-described “Thirteen and three-eights” year old Krystile Murray has never been to Times Square before.

“I mean, I’ve seen it on TV and everything, but never for real. This is so cool!”

Krystile has made the trip in from her home in Assboink on Long Island to watch from the sidewalk while a television program is taped one flight up across the street. She cannot see or hear anything of the program in progress, but Krystile believes that her favorite band, the Backstreet Boys, are the guests today on the popular “Total Request Live” program on the MTV Network. Others in the large gathering of teenagers are not so sure.

Fifteen year old Angeelica Donner, of Scarsdale: “It’s 98 degrees, I can see that guy with the hair through the window!”

Twelve year old Dylan Madison Tucker Donner: “98 degrees sucks! KoRn rules! KoRn rules!”

Many of the surrounding young men agree with young Dylan, taking up the chant. Yet another cluster of youngsters believe the featured popster today is Christina Aguilera.

Thirteen year old Britt’ny Klein: “It’s so totally got to be Christina! There’s, like, a giant picture of her across the street, and she is just awesome!”

Yet others hold out hope for a Brittney Spears sighting, or a glimpse of Ricky Martin. No clues can be gleaned from the studio, in which can only be seen a row of bleachers and some small standing figures. The bleachers – apparently full of lucky youngsters much like those standing outside in the cold – periodically stand and raise their arms in the air. No purpose to their actions can be discerned from the street.

A camera crew from the MTV network has gathered several dozen of these energetic youngsters on a small traffic island in this busy intersection and is encouraging them to holler and hoot whenever the camera turns on. They begin a ragged chant, perhaps “Joey, Joey.” Though they greatly interfere with the flow of traffic, the good-natured New Yorkers let the revellers pass by with only a small hand gesture or a hearty New York-style greeting.

Krystile is enjoying herself. “I don’t know why I ever go to school at all, when I could be here. Math sucks! Kevin, I love you!” she screams, having caught sight of someone in the MTV studios.

Meanwhile, hard-working New Yorkers are valiantly trying to pass through the masses of teens. “Don’t they have anything better to do?” sniffs attorney Richard M. Nikon as he fights his way down the crowded street, “I’m losing billable hours, here!”

…but when you get blue, and you’ve lost all your dreams, there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans!

16

CHRISTIANS CONDEMN MOVIE AS BLASPHEMOUS, POORLY WRITEN

Prominent Christian groups have condemned upcoming movie The Body as being an abomination against Jesus Christ, and in addition have deemed the script to be lacking.

“The movie is rife with cliches,” Pastor Daniel Schwarr said at a protest in Hollywood today. “The whole premise of the story is hard to follow, and the ending seems totally unrealistic.”

The Pastor continued, "Much like many a Hollywood blockbuster, this movie relies entirely too much on special effects to overcome deficiencies on the script.

“Also, Antonio Banderas in his role as a Priest, does not seem convincing at all. But with this vehicle to work with, it is unsurprising his acting skills are unable to save the film,” said the Pastor.

“Oh, and there’s that God stuff, too,” he also stated.

Schnwarr will call for a boycott of the movie when it is formally released in two months, “after I’ve had a chance to not actually watch this garbage,” he claimed.

Yer pal,
Satan

17

FOOTBALL GAME OUTDRAWS HIGH SCHOOL PLAY

Thornton, CO, December 8 - Local school officials are still expressing dismay a little more that a week after the local high school’s football team had higher attendance than the school’s drama club presentation of “A Streetcar Named Desire.”
Conservative estimates by attendees of both events gave the football game a crowd around 5,000, while the play drew approximately 200 patrons, most of whom were directly related to the cast.
Principal Brian Peckinpaugh stated “Sure, it wa a playoff game, and the team is ranked #1, but come on. Streetcar is pretty famous, we thought it might be closer.”
This is the 125th straight time a play has had significantly less attendance than a sporting event. That includes basketball, wrestling, and intramural gymanstics.
The school is now considering the play “Hair” for it’s next attempt at breaking the attendance stranglehold.
“We will most likely make it an all nude production to generate some buzz,” said Sharon Malone, drama club director.

Well, shut my mouth. It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

18

CHICAGO REPLACES PIZZA?
UP Chicago – Karen Hupta

Chicago, long known for its famous ‘Chicago-style’ deep dish pizza, is in the process of trying to establish a new regional trademark food. “I think maybe the novelty is wearing off,” sighs Vince Morelli of Gino’s East, a longtime downtown favorite. Restauranteurs from all over the Chicagoland region are holding continuing meetings to decide what the new trademark food will be. “Lots of guys are thinking hot dogs,” complains Tony Simoni of Uno’s. “New York is hot dogs! Coney Island! These guys don’t know nothing.” Other suggestions on the table include catfish, pickles, sauerbraten, and the Italian Reuben. “Most of the choices are terrible!” exclaims Sherwin Bush of Graziano’s Brick Oven. “Catfish? Pickles? Why not just choose rutabaga! Or three-day-old bratwursts!”

Fortunately, help is on the way in the form of Image, a public relations firm out of Schaumburg, Illinois. “We have some definite ideas about the image we want Chicago to project,” says regional manager Ken Zwithe. “The ‘city of the broad shoulders’ is outdated. We want a new, sleeker, more sophisticated look and feel for this area. Maybe something in the gourmet or exotic cuisines. Pasta is a good choice, with versatility and authority. But the new leaner steaks might also make a statement about Chicago’s midwest connection, as well as lend a family-values feel. With the right garnish, it could project just the right blend of contemporary sophistication and tradition!” With the deadline fast approaching, the debate grows more heated every day. Most Chicagoans, however, remain unmoved. “Oh, they’ll work something out,” says Liz Morrissey of Rogers Park. “But I sure hope it’s not catfish,” she adds.

19

Okay, just thought I’d add, for all you literalists out there, that I made up Karen Hupta, too.

20

Kansas City, MO–Procrastinator makes dental appointment. James Pembroke, 45, made an appointment for Dec 31 with Harry Freese, DDS. Pembroke had realized that his employer, Snap On Tools, was changing dental providers. Dr. Freese is no longer in the new preferred dentists catalog. Pembroke made this last minute appointment in order to put off selecting a new dentist for 6 more months.

Suburban Mother Hides Presents.
Des Moines, IA-- Peggy Findley, mother of Alice (10) and Kelly (15) hides a good part of the presents she bought this year for Christmas. Her sister Gladys, and family, are flying from Buffalo to spend Christmas with them. They will only bring selected small size presents for their children, aged 4 and 8. Peggy will certainly hide a new Nintendo 64 as well as the Pokemon yellow version. She could only obtain one copy of that sold out item for Alice through her brother in law Carl, who works at a games store. Both sisters will select gifts for the shared unwrapping event based on strict criteria. Peggy feels Gladys’ gifts are too educational and Gladys thinks Peggy buys her children “mindless crap.” The husbands will unwrap sensible clothing items.