LONDON — A statue portraying Princess Diana as the Virgin Mary has sparked fury at an art exhibition exploring the idea that royal, sports and show-business stars have replaced religion.
sorry, that was actual news
Yeltsin dies of Broken Heart
MOSCOW-- On a mission from president Mashadov of Chechnia, 10 year old Irina visited the ailing Yeltsin at his bedside to appeal to him to stop the killing. Overcome by guilt, Yeltsin called for his ministers, but expired of a broken heart before their arrival. Prime minister observed a moment of silence, then spoke “let the tanks roll.”
FOOTBALL INJURY WORSE THAN FEARED
Chicago, IL, Dec 10 - The injury that Brett Favre suffered during last weeks NFC Central showdown has turned out to be much worse than feared. During the game at cold and blustery Soldier Field, it appeared as if the rifle-armed quarterback had the wind knocked out of him by a stalwart Bear defense. The Fox broadcasters confirmed as much by repeatedly talking about a “hard shot to the gut by a lineman’s helmet.”
However, after copious study of various replays, it appears that Favre actually took a helmet directly to his groin. Team trainer Pete Handy was heard saying “Yup, square into the dangler and his 2 best friends. Brett’s not gonna be seeing much action off the field this week.”
Mrs. Favre was unavailable for comment.
RELEASE OF QUAKE 3 FAILS TO CAUSE SHOOTING SPREE
-Portland, Or
A lone man dressed in a trenchcoat walked into his place of work this morning, and proceeded to start up his workstation and log into the network. The unidentified man is known to have purchased a copy of the game “Quake 3: Arena” the previous day – a game proven to cause mass violent acts in its players.
“I was in fear for my life,” said Jared McLowski, the supervisor on duty at the time. “He walked in the door, trenchcoat billowing around him and carrying the manual to that ‘murder simulator’. I thought I was a goner, but he just walked over to his desk and got to work.”
It is unknown at the time what motivated this highly dangerous phone technician to return to work instead of committing what could have been a spectacular orgy of death and destruction, but sources close to the suspect say “He’s been under a lot of stress lately, but really needs the money.”
http://www.madpoet.com
Computers have let mankind make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns.
From the sidebar on the left:
Area Ex-Boyfriend Cries on Porch Again (this would be an old issue but I like it)
Expectations for Snuggly-Freshness not met by New Drier Sheets
Area Supervisor “A Major Bitch”
Insert Random Witticism Here.
MIDLE AGED MAN FAILS TO FIND GAME BOY PRODUCTS
Tulsa, OK-- A miidle aged man stopped at Best But and a game store, looking for Game Boy color or any Pokemon game, unsuccesfully. At Best Buy, to make some use of the wasted stop, he bought a Tom Petty CD for a present, an 18 hit CD including Back St Boys, 98 degrees and Garbage. This last item was for a 15 year old girl in Europe, daughter of a good friend. The purchase took some time, as 22 year old Matthew Sclecht was using a $25 gift card, and also attempting some small flirt with the cashier girl. He did not get her phone number. But he has not given up.
Wall, S.D.-- Man spends 2 hours in hotel room, looking at 5 message boards. Then decides to have more free water at Wall Drug across street. Tomorrow, he will buy a postcard at Devil’s Tower and send it to his sister. Christmas will be sent at Lake Tahoe, again in a hotel room looking at message boards on a laptop Dell computer.
Local Man Continues His Reign of Plague
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Hundreds of thousands of people are expected to die this year, and the reason why can be traced to one man, Jeff Verzak. Just this week alone, Jeff has refused the pleas of the disease stricken, brought to him via offers for The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Sun-Times, Newsweek, Time, TV Guide, and various other publications.
“Just tonight, I was sitting at home, eating my ramen noodles and watching the Simpsons when the phone rang,” Jeff reported. “It was some woman who offered me a special rate on Newsweek, saying part of the proceeds would go to help people with leukemia. But I really don’t read Newsweek, so I told her no. She went on to try to tell me about how much money they raised last year, but I just wasn’t interested.”
With the lack of the $22.00 that would of been brought in from the subscription, 85¢ of which would have gone to the National Leukemia Center, it may be years before this disease is brought to an end, years Jeff could have eliminated according to the phone call for Jeff’s aid.
Besides leukemia, Jeff continues to refuse to allow an end to cancer, AIDS, Parkenson’s disease, muscular dystrophy, heart disease, SIDS, and third world epidemics of malaria.
“I guess one person can make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn’t.”
[I don’t have the info on hand, but someone needs to do Satan and his road trip failure as an Onion story]
Des Peres, MO-- Kevin McMillan, 8, brought home in his pocket a slide and pulltab from his blue jacket’s zipper. The loose item has now spent two weeks on the kitchen window sill. Once, it nearly fell down the garbage disposal. It is now in a plastic medicine cup on the same windowsill. Kevin’s mother, Pamela, is intending to fix the zipper in some manner with needle and thread, so the slide won’t fall of. She may be able to schedule this chore between 5 and 8 PM this coming monday. Meanwhile, Kevin is wearing his yellow jacket, both from Target, which he does not like as much.
CATHOLICS OBJECT TO FILM TO NO AVAIL
Larry Guccione, celebrated writer and producer of “Why I Hate All Catholics And Think Their Religion Is Stupid” is tired of the protests. “I don’t really understand how anybody could misunderstand my intentions,” says the maverick filmmaker. “It’s an affectionate tribute, really. After all, I was raised Catholic.”
Asked about the title, which many Catholics and other religious people have found objectionable, Guccione replied, “Well, I guess those people just have no sense of humor. I mean, my movie is just a lighthearted comedy about a nun who supports her order by working as a dominatrix and the other sisters who are too uptight to let her enjoy her calling. I simply cannot understand why Catholics as individuals would have a problem with it.”
The film, to be released on Good Friday 2000, stars Alan Rickman as Sister John Paul II.
Catrandom
Denver, CO–Daniel, a student who would rather enjoy unicycling and origani (or was that orgasm?), detests finals. Here’s the worst part:this one class he has, the material was easy. The professor was horrible (really horrible; literally two thirds of the class time was just him writing out long word problems on the chalkboard WHICH ARE ALREADY WRITTEN OUT IN THE BOOKS IN FRONT OF US!), there were no TAs, and the students were either too unfriendly or too stupid to be of any help for group study. So he’s on his own. Not so bad when the course material was easy, but halfway through the semester the topics became hideously complicated. The questions were still simple, but impossible if the concepts escape you. He failed miserably on the second major exam. Now just looking at the textbook sends shivers down his spine, and opening it sends him running across the room to curl up in a fetal position in the corner. Not exactly the ideal study conditions. Daniel has been seen attempting to study at six locations on campus, including McDonalds, spending about 10 minutes procrastinating and ten minutes reading, then getting up, talking to friends, stopping by the library computer room to read e mail, and moving to a new location with his book and diet cola.
origami
Kirkqood, MO-- Eight year old is totally bummed out as his GameBoy batteries wear out in battle on the way home from karate class. He will also miss a special karate class the next day since his parents are hosting a boring Christmas party. No children are expected at this party. The one kid who was dragged to the previous party has moved out of town.
Homosexuality Declared Passe
This week the World Coolness Council, responsible for setting global trends and fashions, has passed a resolution stripping homosexuality of it’s cutting-edge status. Council chairman Cyd Savage announced “In the past many counter-culture movements relied on much of their support or even originated in the gay community. In recent years, with the movement of homosexuality into the mainstream, being gay no longer carries the image of rebelliousness and mystery it once did. This council has no choice but to declare homosexuality to be no longer avant-garde.”
Gay-rights groups were generally ambivalent to the announcment but others hailed it as a positive step. Self-proffessed anarchist Jay Malarchuk issued an informal statement which read in part “[the announcement] was a great relief to me. This makes it easier for heterosexuals such as myself to conform to the standards of non-conformity. Up until now it has been difficult to be taken seriously as rebellious youth taking part in underground culture.”
Homoesexuality now joins such once-cutting-edge trends as leather jackets, long hair for men, and drugs. With its millenia-long stay in the avant-garde camp it has outlasted such notable contenders as Christianity and motorcycle-ownership, which were memebers of the camp for 200 and 40 years, respectively. The number one spot for the longest time spent as a hot trend, with approximately three billion years and counting is held by death.
What next? Musicians and artists become pillars of society? Bestiality becomes a new avantgarde trend?
Chesterfield, MO-- Man waits at Growlers brew pub for Internet friends. No women of the particular discussion group had promised to show up. Man reflects on this fact, and is not surprised none of the guys showed up either. Then he looked at the menu and was not too enthusiastic about menu items attempting to integrate 2 ethnic foods.
Milwaukee, WI-- Area man brings home yet another company gift. Marty O’Leary, a 20 year employee of a local meat packing company, brought home a blanket with a woven picture of the plant in 1939, as Mr. Zinselmeier originally had it built. The blanket was folded over an easy chair, but his wife Mary took it to their bedroom, as guests were coming. It may end up in a Goodwill box, or in the garage, where Marty has a clock, on which he never replaced a battery, and some sort of insulated bag, which he supposed was for cooling wine, but is not sure. These and 20other gifts are somewhere in the garage.
Cincinnati,OH–Area man gets Christmas shirt early. It was supposed to be among the few gifts he and his wife exchange on Christmas eve. However, they have an earlier Christmas party, and he had been whining about wearing his older red or green shirts. One makes him look like a Bob Evans waiter.
Madison, WI-- Area man puts off dreaded christmas lights job. The only family with no outdoor lights in their subdivision, has had a tree with no lights for 3 days. Minutes before a guest arrives, man hastily puts on lights, after all the good branches have been taken.
Columbus, OH-- Area woman brings lawn chair to christmas party. The aluminum folding chair, with faded plastic straps, was left at her house last summer, as the paralegal club had a get together. The owner of the aluminum chair did not show up at the party, and his home was out of her on the way home. She will try again at the spring party in April.
West Dundee, IL–Several internet shoppers frustrated by Amazon. Will amazon deliver in 10 days? Said one shopper: “I order from Amazon a lot and have never had a problem…until now. I ordered three books and six CD’s last week. One CD has arrived. One book was shipped last Wednesday, but has not yet arriverd. The other two books were shipped Friday and aren’t here yet. The remaining five CD’s haven’t been shipped yet. As they are all Christmas music, I’ll be miffed if they don’t arrive soon.” Two other local shoppers have called area stores for the missing gift items, and one of them, Tracy Patterson, intends to drive 45 minutes after work one night to obtain the hard to get items. She also plans to stop for dinner at the nearby town to make the trip worthwhile. She will have that dinner with a high school friend she has not seen for 6 months. The friend will have to bring her six month old baby.