ONION stories II

I got tired of page 1, 2, 3
How many more of these do you have to put up with?About 26, or more, if you contribute

Kansas City, MO-- 53 year old Jim Penniman discovered today that he has a soul. “I didn’t go to church or pray, but all of a sudden today I discovered I have soul.I didn’t find it previously.” He thinks he may have downloaded his soul while he upgraded from Windows 95 to 98. “It still crashes a lot, and this soul also seems to be a little bit of trouble.I guess I have to learn to live with it.”

Local Man Proud Of Stuff on Computer
Kyle Dylan, a local computer repair technician, boasted today of his massive mp3 collection. When asked for comment he said: “Almost 30 songs, I downloaded them.”

Mr. Dylan’s previous notariety came from having nearly three megabytes of softcore pornography stored in a folder on his hard drive.

Chop chop back again yes forever.

Locel Reporter Cant Spell

Dispite years of trianing and scholing, a reporter who shall remain anonnomous has a graet diffucilty spelling. Docters say “It is not dysleckia or any other learing diseasbility, the man is mearly a relly bad speller.”

When reched, the reposter said: “No coment.”

Dojo. Casino. It’s all in the mind.

Somewhere in England-- In a secret location at summer camp, Adrial Mole, aged 13 1/2 and Harry Potter, young witch, have become fast friends. At night, when the are supposed to be in the barracks, Adrian and Harry will fly Harry’s Nimbus 2000 broomstick to the apartment house of Adrian’s dad and his girl friend Stick Insect. They plan to cast a spell that will maje sex unpleasant for the remainder of Stick Insect’s pregnancy.

Villa park,IL-- Hard rock singer Mark Rothenberg, a.k.a. Sid Mansen, fires fourth lead guitarist. He and rhythm guitarist Cal write all the songs. “These lead guitarist just come in and all sound about the same. We sound like fucking Aerosmith on their most mediocre tunes.” They are now considering using an established blues guitarist, but don’t have enough gigs to hire a professional, except for some semiprofessional studio time.

COLLEGE STUDENT READS BOOK ASSIGNED IN CLASS, ENJOYS IT

Durango, Colorado- Students and faculty of Fort Lewis College were stunned today by the news that a fellow student not only, like, read the book Professor Smith assigned, but gag me with a spoon if he didn’t, like, actually enjoy it!

“That book is like soooooooo thick,” said freshman Tiffany Weeks. “But, like, once I got into it, y’know, I couldn’t put it down.”

Weeks, 20, said she found P. Steven Sangren’s History and Magical Power in a Chinese Community to be “kinda dull” at first, but “I’m, like, too young to drink and, like, they cancelled Ally McBeal, so I didn’t really have anything else to do, you know? So I kept reading.”

“This is amazing,” said professor Daniel Smith, who teaches History 352. “I’ve never had anyone read this book before.”

He added, “I think I’ll give her an A for the course.”

– Sylence


I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

Beloit, WI-- Used station wagon is sold directly by owner. Statistics indicate that 12 more station wagons in the USA will be sold by the owner this year. The other 99.999% of the station wagons, so out of favor comapred to minivans and SUV’s, will be traded in or junked or given to a teenager (no! not the station wagon!) as their first car.

Buffalo,NY–Father and son assembled a DC 10 airplane model in 1:320 scale. It took them 20 minutes to assemble most of the plane. Then the father spent an hour more assembling the landing gear. “These wheel are maybe 2 mm in diameter and there are 12 of these boogers.” He realized too late that the last page allowed an option of installing the plane in flight and with hatches closed.“Revell was a trusted name from my youth.But these parts were way too small even for a bigger kid.I had to use two pairs of tweezers.” Tomorrow they hope to have more fun applying the decals. And decals they are, not steckers with adhesive. There is a problem in that they have no idea how to put the plane on the display stand.“There’s no hole under, dad,” said the younger team member.

Fermilab- Dark Matter Mystery Not Solved
Bubble chamber photographs revealing supermassive particles recently discovered at Fermilab and believed to comprise the elusive “dark matter” that supposedly accounts for 90% of the mass of the universe were found to be the result of an experimental glitch today. “Someone sneezed in the bubble chamber,” said Dr. Estelle Pinkerton, head of the technical division. “I can’t believe it! Heads will roll for this one, I assure you.” Physicists had believed that the very wide, straight streaks in the photographs indicated the existence of very massive, relatively long-lived particles. “No, it’s definitely mucus” says technician David Overstreet. “Subatomic particles don’t usually leave nasty residue on the walls of the bubble chamber.” The technician on duty at the time was not availible for comment, having taken sick leave. A theory advanced in light of this new information postulating that the dark matter was actually composed of phlegm has not recieved any serious attention from the scientific community.


An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.

dark matter, you say? hmm

Helsinki, Finland-- Finnish voters are dumb! Voters selected two undesirable candidates in then first round. Ms Halonen, an unattractive social democrat, and Mr. Aho, a center party (meaning rural and small town support)candidate both got 30% of the vote. Clearly, 40% of the voters will have to stay home for the second round voting, as they could never vote for either. Results are expected to go 50/50 in the second round. “Bring back the electoral college”, said voter Timo Vuorinen. Adding to voter apathy, the newly elected president will have stripped down powers, leaving the prime minister in full power. The prime minister is chosen by congress and mediators, so the voter is out of the picture there too.

RIOT BREAKS OUT

Wohohoho, IL–Witnesses to a riot downtown last night say “everybody was kung-fu fighting.” Authorities say this riot was probably the work of funky Chinamen, possibly from funky Chinatown.

Despite both kicking back and forth and chopping up and down, no one was hurt. Area martial arts expert Glitch explained, “It’s an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew his part.”

At one point, the funky Chinamen feinted to a slip, and started kicking from the hip.

“Those kicks were fast as lightening.” said area man Burt Lankashire. “It was a little bit frightening. Luckily, they had expert timing.”

Witnesses spotted both funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chong, who reportedly said “Here comes the big boss. Let’s get it on. HA!”

Clinton returns video rental unrewound; action characterized as “Unkind” by GOP insiders
K. Starr reopens investigation, promises “Force 5 shitstorm”

WASHINGTON-President Bill Clinton was lambasted Tuesday by GOP leaders for his failure to rewind a copy of “The Sound of Music” before returning it to a Georgetown Blockbuster. “This kind of cavalier disregard for normal standards of decency has been the hallmark of Clinton’s administration from the very beginning,” said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott yesterday. He added, “If this doesn’t speak to the validity of character as a prerequisite for this office, I don’t know what does.”

Kenneth Starr, the special prosecutor assigned to investigate possible illegal activities by the Clintons in the Whitewater scandal, agreed. “Oh, this is good. I’m gonna crucify his ass for this. He can run but he can’t hide. Starr 3:16 says I’m gonna kick his ass,” he said in a press conference this morning.

When asked about his culpability in what the Washington Times has aready dubbed “VonTrappGate”, Clinton replied, “I am a rewinder. It has always been the policy of this administration to rewind, which is in keeping with the tenets of my Be Kind America initiative.” The possiblity of a “vast right-wing conspiricy” to watch Mr. Clinton’s tapes after he has already rewound them is currently being investigated by White House insiders, sources reported.


(to borrow a sig)The Poster Formerly Unknown as Rodimus

“Are you frightened of snakes?”
“Only when they dress like werewolves.”
-Preacher

I’m too lazy to cook up the actual stories…

LOCAL MAN KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT LAURA CROFT, NEVER TOUCHED REAL WOMAN

USE OF “HERBAL ESSANCE SHAMPOO” FAILS TO PRODUCE ORGASM

DOPPER RADAR REPORTS “FORCE FIVE SHITSTORM”

LOCAL MANS RESEMBLANCE TO TOM CRUISE UNACKNOWLAGED BY ANYBODY

Internet, everywhere–The Internet now contains more than ten times the number of words that were ever printed in public documents, books and magazines. Some of the words, such as the 900 copies of Hey Jude lyrics, are duplicates. The number of photographs achieves an even higher ratio, estimated at 100 to 1.

** Ask an Internet troll! **
Dear Internet Troll:
When ever my boyfriend and I go out to eat, he flirts with our waitress. It really bothers me, but he says its harmless. Am I being to touchy? --Bothered in Belfast

Troll:
You’re missing the point. Don’t you understand that your boyfriend is actually a clone of Hitler? I have introvertible evidence of this that I will be posting as soon as I save the earth from the mechinations of Dr. Evil. I realize this seems bizarre but I have a degree in Hitlerclonolgy.

–tRoLl
Dear Internet Troll:
I’ve been offered a new high paying job- but I have a lot of friends here. Which is more important, loyalty or money? --Torn in Tahoe.

Oh, you clever wench, did you think you could outwit me. Obviously you are the same person as “Bothered.” Look at your similar posting styles; you both use the first person pronoun ‘I.’ I don’t know why you are trying to destroy me but it’s obvious that you and your little clique want to drive me away. So I’m going, you bastards. And I won’t be back. --tRoLl

Dear Internet Troll:
I think my girlfriend wants me to propose. But I don’t think I’m ready for the commitment. How can I break this to her gently? --Steve

Just shut up, you bastards? Do you have any idea who tRoLl is? He’s practically my god; I’ve named all 3 of my children after him. He knows more about Hitlerclonology than you ever will!!
-Sockpuppet336

Internet Troll is a arrogant sociopath and syndicated columnist in more than 30 newspapers, most of which exist only in his own mind.

Dear Internet Troll:
I have an car for sale in the paper and can’t keep this phone line tied very long.I still want to read the posts.What should I do?

Who cares?Just shut up, you bastards. Do you have any idea who tRoLl is? He’s practically a saint. He has no concern for your advertisements.He knows more about Hitlerclonology than you ever will!!
-Sockpuppet336

Internet Troll is a arrogant sociopath and syndicated columnist in more than 30 newspapers, most of which exist only in his own mind.

LOCAL MAN’S INTERNET ACCESS IS "MUCH BETTER NOW"

Pompton Lakes, NJ, January 20 – After several weeks of frustrating problems, Lakeland resident Andrew Wheeler was thrilled to log on to his chosen internet provider on the first try tonight.

“It’s been connecting and just hanging,” Mr. Wheeler complained, “I could stay connected for about two minutes, and then it would cut me off. Sometimes this would happen ten or fifteen times in a row. It was really annoying.”

Other members of the Wheeler household were less affected by the problem.

“I don’t know what he’s doing down there in the first place, and now you tell me he wasn’t even getting to do it?” queried Mrs. Wheeler. “So why did he keep trying if it wasn’t working? I told him to switch IPs, but did he listen to me?”

The youngest member of the household was even more terse. “Push dada. Hello? O-tay. I donn know!”

Informed sources report that Mr. Wheeler has re-installed various versions (ranging from 4.01 to 4.7) of the popular “Netscape Communicator” software package five or six times since Christmas in his attempts to combat this problem. The latest attempt, completed three days ago, seems to have helped.

“Netscape stopped crashing on Monday,” said Mr. Wheeler, “but the connection problems were still continuing, until tonight.”

Mr. Wheeler now intends to get on with his on-line activities, secure in his newly configured software and in his re-gained faith in his IP.

“There are dozens of threads on SDMB that I’ve been missing,” he lamented, “but I can catch up now. Not to mention all of the free porn out there!”


…but when you get blue, and you’ve lost all your dreams, there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans!

Rochester NY,MN-- Internet regulars Ed J. Black(MN) and Ed M. Black(NY) seem to end up on the same message boards. Both Eds seem to have limited interests, none mutual. The Eds and three others, also with no mutual interests, usually find each other on these boards after sorting out the new board names they go under. “Even their board names are predictable”, says Ed J.

Baltimore, Maryland-- Quarter dropped into slushy mess at McDonalds. A tourist, “Hans” dropped a quarter and a nickel into a snow derived slush at a local McDonalds. A few other customers behind Hans in line noticed the coins. Two teenagers decided to play hockey with the quarter until their turn came to order. Others kicked the coin around for the next two hours at randim. The slushy mess was mopped up by employee Pete, leaving the soiled quarter behind. After three more hours, the quarter was finally picked up by retiree Edna Smythe. The nickel remains hidden under the counter.