Nashville, TN–Man discovers yet another survey in his mailbox, with “your response is required by law.” What gimmick will they think of next? he thinks, tossing the US Census in the trash.
Nashville, TN–Man discovers yet another survey in his mailbox, with “your response is required by law.” What gimmick will they think of next? he thinks, tossing the US Census in the trash.
Man Actually Reads and Understands “Kansas Creationist” Story
PITTSBURGH, Mar. 13 (AP)–A Pittsburgh man today admitted that he had actually read and comprehended one of the various articles referring to the alleged establishment of creationism as an official state doctrine to be taught in Kansas schools.
“It’s crazy, man,” said Bill Volmut, 33. “If I read the story right, what the Kansas Department of Education actually decided was to remove all references to evolution from state biology educational standards.”
Volmut added, “What this means is that teachers in Kansas can keep teaching biology the way they’ve always taught it, since the Department of Education ruling has no actual effect on what happens within the classroom.”
“Screw the state final exam since there isn’t one anyway,” said Tiffany Holgemeir of Wellington, Kansas. “I mean, all we have to do is regurgitate what the teacher told us in class anyway. Since our teacher actually studied biology in college, I guess we’re gonna have to bone up on that evolution stuff, because she’s gonna be on that like flies on poop. Can I say poop in the newspaper?”
Said Joe Pacino of Lenexa, Kansas, “This whole thing was a joke anyway. The Republican Party was split and somehow the right-wing nuts got hold of the state school board. Not that their decision meant a damn thing, anyway, but when the moderate Republicans take back control of the party this year, I guarantee you that that ludicrous decision will be rescinded.”
Volmut said, “It looks like this was just another weak attempt by the big-city media to make fun of the rest of the country by exaggerating news coming out of what they call ‘the flyover’. Damn, you have to read the papers carefully to find out what the truth is.”
Taxed by this effort, Volmut announced that he would proceed to spend the next two days in bed on sick leave.
Helsinki, Finland-- Kansas Baptists arrive to burn the Finnish flag in protest over their gay friendly anti church woman president Halonen. Being the liberals that they are, the Finns had to let the Baptists arrive. They expect the burning show to be somewhat disappointing as entertainment.
SDMB Homosexual Activists Take Over World
Christians, Idiots Flee Message Boards
PHILADELPHIA, PA - Homosexual activists from The Straight Dope Message Board (www.straightdope.com) seized The Liberty Bell today, a symbolic gesture that capped off a week’s worth of rioting, looting, and government-seizing, resulting in the complete dominance of the nation’s capital in Washington, D.C.
“Finally!” user Otto was quoted as saying after pushing President Bill Clinton out of his chair in the Oval Office. “This place really needs to be redecorated!” He followed this up by rib-kicking the President and having his elite SS-style stormtroppers, the Pink Panthers, remove the President to a “secure location in Provincetown.”
The takeover began by the slow but methodical posting of homosexuality-related threads on the SDMB beginning in early February. By the end of March, the entire message board system had been overrun by threads such as “The Ethics of Homosexuality,” “Gay Marriages/Parenting,” and the hotly controvertial “What The [expletive deleted] is Wrong With These Homophobic Bigots?” leading to a complete breakdown of the system.
From there, a chain reaction caused the Internet itself to collapse, causing anti-gay web sites to crash, and the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force’s web site (www.ngltf.org) to be the most-hit site on the internet, even before homosexual pornographic sites, both male and female. Eventually, the computer systems of all the major governmental offices came to a complete standstill, allowing Otto’s Pink Panthers, plus his collaborators Esprix and SqrlCub, to seize control in Washington.
Reaction to the coup has been swift. Reverend Pat Robertson was found incoherent in his 700 Club headquarters in Virginia, repeating, “It finally happened, just like I said” over and over until he was hospitalized. There is no word on his condition.
Reverend Jerry Falwell attempted to barricade himself at Bob Jones University, but swiftly surrendered himself to the interim government forces when it was discovered that the University, while not permitting inter-racial couples, was a hotbed of lesbianism.
And in a surprising turn of events, conservative Senators Jesse Helms ® and Strom Thurmond ® swiftly acknowledged their homosexual orientations and their life-long commitment to each other. “Oh, how we’ve waited for this day,” said a teary-eyed Helms on the steps of the Senate. “Now with our community in control, we can finally have no fear in acknowledging our love that dare not speak its name.”
Most Christians, Jews and Muslims quickly converted from their previously conservative standpoints, probably fearing swift and brutal repraisals from the new governmental forces. “Oh, yeah, we’ve been way off on that whole gay thing,” said Pope John Paul from the Vatican in Rome. “What we meant to say was ‘Gay is OK!’”
What few hold-outs were left headed for the hills, in hopes of in-breeding their fanatical heterosexual lifestyle into future generations. With the limited gene pool, they are not expected to survive past three generations, experts say.
Newly appointed Director of the Liberal Media, Esprix, said, “We’re working closely with Hollywood and the television industry in New York to publicize the homosexual agenda and brainwash the American public into accepting our alternative lifestyle.” He noted that their first successful experiment, Orion***********Orion, was now living happily with not one but two gay male lovers in Wisconsin, running an exercise and nutrition facility in downtown Racine.
=============================================
Esprix, who loves The Onion and wishes he could write for them more often…
San Francisco, CA-- Gays and lesbians discover that even though they have pooled their resources and generated 1000 babies, only ten of them are expected to be gay or lesbian. “I guess the heteros were good for something , after all”, said their spokesman.
Chicago,IL-- Members of a SDMB, which is not a cult, once again discuss sex. Members have been virgins up to 50 years and one prefers fresh corn. “Why are we still talking about it, then? Might as well have oral sex with an old timer who has taken the dentures off,” states one irritated member.
Chicago, IL-- Mr. Nice guy Ed at the SDMB decides to “prune” old threads, thereby causing widespread panic in the Onion threads (2).At least one of these threads will go on forever, declares sunbear.
Fargo, ND–Man leaves his estate to his website. The site is dedicated to his parents, his 4 dogs, now deceased, and parrot. Pictures of the parrot are to be posted on a regular basis by his lawyers, as well as a modified picture of the man, dressed in the latest styles.
WASHINGTON, DC - IMF protesters were greeted today by matt_mcl of the Straight Dope Message Board, who asked, “Can’t we all just get along?”
“We get this kind of stuff in GD and MPSIMS, and of course in the Pit, but, I mean, gosh - you guys are obviously all just trolling for attention,” said matt. “If you don’t like it, just leave - and don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!”
Protesters shouted back, “Hell no, we won’t go! Edward Zotti has to go!” and “Two, four, six, eight - we will never great debate!”
matt then pulled out a flamethrower and, well, you can guess the rest.
Film at eleven.
Ask the Gay Guy! (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, Asketh the damn Priest Guy!)
“Never assume a malicious intent when stupidity will explain just as well.”
{This space reserved for a Genuine WallyM7 Sig™}
Esprix! I was on the protest side!
I miss the Super Monkey Collider.
Ballwin, MO-- Man befuddled by new message board software. “It’s almost like writing with my left hand”, he explained.
Cancer: The stars are all in agreement that “cancer” is a stupid name for a constellation. I mean, really, it’s bad enough people have to call it “crabby” without all the extra baggage of being the number 2 killer in America.
Sauget, MO–Study shows that state lottery and Big Game ticket buyers are nearly all losers. Lining up at the local Liquor and Lottery store were hundreds of locals, taking off time from their drudgery, with that glimmer of hope in their eye. No winning tickets turned up in Missouri.Cristy Johnson, holding her daughter Laurie on her shoulders, stated “What else is there to hope for? I pray to God we will win, so little Brandon can have his eye operation to correct for crosseye.”
Indianapolis, IN–Judy Kirby, mother of 10, hopes to get off on a postpartum depression excuse in vehicular homicide case. Too late for a Darwin Award, she managed to kill 3 of her own while ramming into an oncoming minivan. Seven died in the accident.
(Inky: waiting for another entry from you)
Pittsburgh, PA-- Klaus Scmieder, 4 year employee of Moeller Scientific, received his stock options check this week. “This will almost cover my family’s trip to Disney World”, stated Klaus. His options became worth what little he received, less than 2 weeks’ pay, after the Moeller stock jumped due to an announced merger.
“I may yet cash in another option award during my 20 remaining years in industry.I have a rewarding career ahead.” He was probably referring to Moeller and other future employers. Klaus was the son of German immigrants, and attended college and graduate school with other immigrants from India and China plus a few Americans. The science training was all he could afford at the time.
Moeller CEO Trent Clarkson will be retiring at approximately 10 years past Klaus’s age, with 2.1 million in stock options. Mr. Clarkson has an MBA from a really prestigious college that he does not wish to mention.
Let’s see, how about:
“Marxist Student has Capitalist Parents”
or
“Teen Abstinence Rocks”…
Or something like that, I’m too lazy to look it up at the moment.
look up? You don’t want to use the real Onion, use your imagination.
Lancaster, PA-- Five year old Muffy McCloud read an entire page of Harry Potter Vol. 4 to older sisters Gretchen and Diana. She was very proud of her reading, though she understood little, and did not understand the fascination for this book. “I’ll wait for the movie”, she announced.
Oops, my bad.
Well, let’s see…ah! A story from my life:
Disgruntled KrapMart Chick Guns Down Annoying Customer Who Asked Why They Wouldn’t Open More Registers…
(speaks for itself, really)