ONION stories II

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

America Just a Practical Joke

Buckingham Palace, UK – Alan Fundt stepped out from behind the “American” embassy earlier today, proclaiming “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!” to a stunned Royal Family and Parliament as he did so.

“We’ve really had you going these last 224 years,” Fundt continued, “But there really is no United States of America. New England and the rest of your North American colonies are all still safe and sound and loyal to Great Britain.”

“I was pretty surprised when I heard the news,” British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher said later. “I mean, we’d been going along with this joke for what seemed like years. But in the end, we all had a big laugh, and now we get to be on television!”

“Oh my,” reporters were told by “President” Bill Clinton after the story broke. “There were times during this whole charade when I nearly lost it. Whenever England appealed to the United States for ‘foreign’ aid, or complained about the exchange rate between the pound and the ‘dollar,’ it took all my self-control to keep from busting out laughing.”

“That whole American Revolutionary War really gave this stunt an air of authenticity,” Fundt boasted in a later interview. “It was one of the most expensive productions we at Candid Camera have ever undertaken. But it was worth it. Sometimes, even I was fooled into thinking America was real!”

Now that the joke is over, the Library of “Congress” has released all the archival footage of the hoax taken by Candid Camera over the last 224 years, including a hilarious film of King George the Third signing the treaty that recognized “America’s” independence from the British Empire.

By next Sunday, it is expected that every “Baseball” field erected in the North American continent will have been taken down, revealing the numerous Cricket fields concealed underneath. Most restaurants on the continent have already resumed serving the bland, boiled food that British subjects expect.

“Thank the Crown it’s over and done with!” said Myron Schmidlapp, who lives with his wife in the British colony known as California. “I was getting tired of hauling these ‘dollar’ bills around in my wallet, just in case a Brit – er, one of the British Isles Brits we were duping, that is – should wander by and get suspicious. I mean, couldn’t Candid Camera have tried a little bit harder when they made this portrait of, ahem, ‘George Washington’? I mean, nobody wears a powdered wig like that. Yeesh. That practically gave away the whole joke right there. It’ll be nice to get back to carrying good old-fashioned Pound Notes around with Her Majesty’s picture on them.”

It goes without saying, of course, that the Native Americans, whose vast lands were lost to the “United States” as it expanded westward over the last 200 years, will not be getting any of their land back.

62

Perhaps its in bad taste… And I don’t want to look it up… but damn if its not my favorite “Onion” Headline…

“Special Olympics T-Ball Tee Pitches Perfect Game”

Screeme

63

Eau Claire, WI-- Attempt to use Internet in hotel room fails, due to the fact that all long distance go through a hotel operator. Family children watch DVD movie Aristocats on the laptop instead.

64

Dalla, TX, June 2, 2002-- The Teen idol formerly known as Asparagus Spears gave a rare interview in a cmpaign against teen STDs. She has now been married 2 weeks and is trying to have a baby.
-Kids, wait till you are married to have sex, it’s worth the wait, or is it? I still haven’t had an orgasm.
-How do you know?
-Uh, I had orgasms while I was still, technically, a virgin.
-Can you elaborate?
-Well, ask the president. Anyway, the first time just hurt a bit and like I said, no orgasm.
-I presume you are not implying that you and the president…
-No! My god, no…

  • You know, now I really do believe you were a virgin till you got married…
65

Cincinnati, OH-- Walgreens cashier Edna Simmons called it quits after a week of the singing trout going “take me to the river, put me in the water”. She declined the midnight shift, where fever customers approach the fish product display.

66

Indianapolis, IN-- The Hunter’s Meadow subdivision celebrated the oldest family there at the recent block party. The Smith family received the palque and honor for living 5 years there. “Two of our four children were even born while we lived here,” said Carla Smith. Hunters Meadow is a relocating families community with an average stay of 3.5 years. The homes come in 4 floor plans. Several homes have been sold three times in their 9 year existence, some by the same real estate agent.

67

“Black women are not the cause of bad weather!” protested the director of such movies as ‘Do The Right Thing’.

68

Man Burning In Hell Wishes He Hadn’t Snickered At Religious Leaflet

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL–Eternally tormented soul Brent Woodson, who is currently being pressed between white-hot slabs of iron, expressed “profound regret” Monday that he had laughed at the Jack Chick anti-homosexuality tract Doom Town, handed to him by a street evangelist moments before he was fatally struck by a bus. “I guess I shouldn’t have cracked up at the cartoon drawing of gay guys as burly, hairy bikers with lipstick and pompadours,” said Woodson, his charred entrails spilling out onto the rocky floor of the Netherworld while barb-toothed demons gnawed at his extremities. “I’m not laughing now, that’s for sure. That Jack Chick guy is no kook.”

69

Los Angeles, CA—Republican candidate George Bush responded to Al Gore’s empty rhetoric, containing many democratic buzz words, with empty republican rhetoric. Bush said Gore’s speech highlighted what the Republican called “unfinished business” that Clinton should have been able to act on during his presidency, including reforms for the Medicare health care program for the elderly and Social Security retirement program and strengthening the U.S. military. Gore responded by saying that “at least we stand for something. Bush merely is expected to stand in the middle ground republican ideals and allow legislators to dictate events inside a woman’s womb, for instance. I believe he thinks his running mate’s daughter can be cured of lesbianism as well.

70

Vatica, Rome–The pope announced that Vatican physicists have now measured the soul. It apparently is a vibration. “Our soul is a form of energy, part of a a cosmic universal vibration set, whose sum is a constant. It becomes pure energy at death, joining an energy pool. There is no afterlife in the sense we had thought. Sorry. Abortion, however, is still immoral.”

71

Madison,WI- Graduate student Greg Osmond discovered to his surprise that there were several staples left in the stapler by the xerox machine at 6PM. The departmental secretary, Marge Wilson, places exactly one row of staples every day at 8 AM into the stapler. Greg knows that she locks up the box into her desk at 4PM, so nobody could have added a whole staple-row after that time.
Greg went back to xerox 3 more materials scinece journal articles, so he could staple them as well.

72

SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND–The reformed Hawkwind group yook the stage, a UFO shaped construction believed to be from ELO.Present were:
The full list of Star Rats that have expressed their desire to be there and participate in the monumental ‘Hawkestra’ is:-

KEYBOARD/ELECTRONICS Harvey Bainbridge
KEYBOARD/ELECTRONICS Tim Blake
GUITAR/VOCALS Dave Brock
DRUMS Richard Chadwick
BASS/PEACE & LOVE Thomas Crimble
BASS/VOCALS Alan Davey
ELECTRONICS Del Dettmar
VIBES Dikmik
DRUMS/PERCUSSION Martin Griffin
VIOLIN/KEYBOARD Simon House
BASS/VOCALS I. F. LEMMY Kilmister
GUITAR/VOCALS Huw Lloyd Langton
DRUMS/PERCUSSION Terry Ollis
DRUMS/PERCUSSION Alan Powell
GUITAR Jerry Richards
GUITAR Adrian Shaw
KEYBOARD/VOCALS/POEM Steve Swindells
DRUMS/PERCUSSION Danny Thompson
VOCALS/POEM Ron Tree
SAX/FLUTE/VOCAL/POEM Nik Turner

The musicians had just plaued their third 15 minute song, when the stage took off. “IT WAS A FLYING SAUCER” remarfed Adrian, audience member. They never came back.

73

Area Teen Hopes That Hot Girl Over There Didn’t See Him Picking His Nose

Gil Mullins, 16, of New Haven, Connecticut, really hopes that Brenda Waters, 17, didn’t see him with his finger up his nose.

“I didn’t think anyone was looking. The movie in the classroom was playing, and the lights were off, and I’d had this HUGE booger stuck up there all morning, so I decided I’d dig the fucker out. I looked around and everyone was watching the video, so I went to it.”

After picking the enormous snot and smearing it underneath his desk, he slightly craned his neck to make sure no one was looking.

“Everyone was still watching the film, but I noticed that Brenda had this disgusted look on her face. I don’t know if it had to do with those dirty Palestinians on the “World News Tonight” special that Mrs. Cramber was showing us, or is she saw me picking a winner.”

Repeated attempts to talk to Brenda by Gil have failed, and experts speculate that viewing of the picking was in fact experienced by Brenda.

74

London-- Spinal Tap announced four special benefit concerts to aid the dislexic in British schools. Problems initially arose in finding a drummer. The concerts will now feature four drummers, each of whom is being paid 5000 pounds to appear. Nigel, Aynsley, Brick and Sikh will all appear on stage with drums. On any one song at least two of the drummers will play. None of the drummers would face the odds of playing on stage as the only drummer of the moment.

(some extra lines, unintended, got into my previous post.can we edit?)

75

Kirkwood, MO—Suburban dad Ben O’Fallon befuddled by party invitation. His wife Krista was visiting her mother in a nursing home in Illinois at the time. His daughter Tiffany reminded dad 30 minutes before the party that they don’t have a present for her friend Gayle, 6 today. Also, the instructions said “wear some shorts and socks to play in the Inflatable Bouncer. It was 40 degrees outside. Ben called the girl’s mom to find that jeans were OK. She had merely intended that the girls should not bounce in their party dresses. Duh! Krista would have figured it out, he thought. Tiffany rarely wears dresses anyway.

76

Columbus, OH—Governor Bush declares “everyone a winner”. Bush will print 200 million winning tickets for all American voters, worth $20 each. If elected, Bush will personally guarantee that the $20 becomes a cash advance on your tax refund. Void if Gore is elected. Certain restrictions apply in some states.

Washington, D.C.—Energy crisis provides 3 newspaper headlines this fall. With gas prices already up, consumers hardly notice the crisis. “Did it start already? When will it be over? Asked Joe Forsyth, van driver. SUV owner Beth Harrison stated “I guess it means one less Nintendo game under the Christmas tree this year.”

Orlando, FL—Middle class father of two drops medium soda in trash, hardly noting the event. A thousand gallons of ice and soft drinks will be hauled away by Disney contractors each day. The trash is compacted to reduce the amount of landfilled liquid.

77

New York, NY—Publisher denies wrongdoing. In the children’s book Porcupine’s Pyjama Part by Terry Harshman, Mole prepares cookie dough, they eat it, place the remaining three cookies in the oven on page 27. Then they watch scary movies and on page 64, the three critters (including owl) go to bed together. Molly Hanson, 7, of Fairfield, OH, wrote in to alarm the publisher that “they never took the cookies out!” Molly offered to edit future books for a small salary.

St.Louis, MO—Brown and Brown, twin attorneys, announce on a large billboard: “Hurt? Call us!”. In the ad, Ed is wearing an eye patch while Henry is not.

78

Local Car Dealer Tries Risky Business Strategy
Chicago – Harv Williams, owner of Willams Chevrolet-Mazda has announced a high-risk business strategy of selling all new cars at only one dollar over the dealer’s invoice.
“Williams is obviously hoping for a huge volume of sales, but with profit margins that slim, it’s doubtful that he can stay in business,” said University of Chicago economist Paul Feynman. “Even if he sells 100 cars per day, I find it hard to believe that he could even cover basic operating expenses, much less earn a profit.”

79

Ann Arbor MI— Local teen says “It is way better to receive than give.” Elders are puzzled.

Residents are scratching their heads over the statement made by Ashley Haddock, 16. Ms. Haddock claims to “like getting cool stuff for my birthday and Christmas” over “giving stuff to other people, especially my creepy brother!” She goes on to say " I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would rather give presents to people without getting something way cooler in return!" and “I bought Josh (Ms. Haddock’s brother Josh, 14) a kick-ass sweatshirt for his birthday in June, and he hasn’t worn it once! I think he’s using it to wipe his jizz on or something. I mean, how gross can you get?” Josh Haddock could not be reached for comment.

80

*Area Man Picks Wrong Beer, Drinks Dipspit

ARLINGTON, VA-- Local party-animal Juan Hughes received an unpleasant suprise when he tipped up his can of Bud Light only to discover that it wasn’t beer.

“He turned like six shades of chartreuse, man,” said a fellow partygoer. “Everyone fucking saw it, too.”

  *"Here we were, quiet,
  because Sheila's plug-in
  using, ass-so-wide-she-could-
  hide-an-axe-handle-behind-it
  bitch of a mom keeps running
  down every ten minutes"*

Hughes, who had been celebrating the night before his wedding with a “traditional bachelor party” in his mother-in-law-to-be’s basement, apparently confused his beer with that of the man seated next to him, an unidentified Orioles fan who apparently wandered into the extraviganza uninvited.

“Here we all were, trying to live it up, quiet-like,” said Dan Spammond, a longtime friend of Hughes, “because Sheila’s [fucking] mom is running down like every ten minutes to make sure the strippers are really gone. It wasn’t a good thing to start with.”

According to eyewitnesses, Hughes picked up the beer can just to the right of his own, which had been used as a makeshift cuspidor by a denim-clad, Orioles baseball cap-wearing guest who only identified himself as “a cousin of Earl.” Neither the Hugheses nor the Robertsons claim to have a family member named Earl.

Events took a turn for the worse when Hughes attempted to run to the bathroom, only to find it locked by Jim “the Hulk” Koscinsky, who was “taking a fucking shit, for Chirst’s sake.”

Hughes then tried to reach the main floor bathroom of the rambler home, but spastically vomited across the room, permanently staining the maternity wedding dress of his wife-to-be, Sheila Robertson, which was draped across an extended sleeper-couch in order to prevent it from wrinkling.

“It would appear that he tripped across the extended bed, and in doing so, vomited on the dress–and those of the bridesmaids as well,” said officer Gage Huston, of the Arlington County Police, who was later called to the scene when several guests refused to leave.

Mr. Hughes was unavailable for comment.