Oh, heck. I’m sorry about the language. Moderators, please feel free to edit or delete that post as you see fit. I thought I was swimming in a different pool.
Elmhurst, IL—Man buys VCR at K Mart that is closing. “I just came in for some packages of soda”, the anonymous shopper stated. Standing in line for nearly 20 minutes, he continued to ponder “I really get no pleasure from this purchase. It’s just that the kids VCR has been making some noise. I was told this is $44, at 30% off.” Not completely depressed, he also bought gloves, pens and batteries. “ That lady over there with the cart overloaded with toys really depresses me. I wouldn’t buy any of that crap for my kids. But maybe she can’t afford fancy Legos and stuff.” His VCR turned out to cost $54, but he reluctantly paid up.
London–A 25-year-old actress has 8lb 9oz baby. Newspapers go gaga over baby.
The baby cried after she was born at a London hospital at 5.40am on Thursday, says her New York-based agent Robert Garlock.
The actress and her husband, 26, are still caring for the baby in hospital, but are due to return home tomorrow.
Mr Garlock said: "They had drawn up a list of 10 names, but when the baby was born none of them seemed right.
"Then Mia came to them, and it seemed just right.
“There is no family significance, they just thought it was a really beautiful name.”
He added: “The actress said Mia was absolutely gorgeous and that they are all doing very well.”
Nashville, TN–Man discovers yet another survey in his mailbox, with “your response is required by law.” What gimmick will they think of next? he thinks, tossing the US Census in the trash.
Philadelphia, PA—Homeless atheist refuses help. Ted Barry,48, refused food and shelter offered by the Salvation Army today. “I’m waiting for something more suitable. I suppose there’s no atheist shelter. But when it gets really cold, I’ll look for a nondenominational one.”
Chicago, IL—Depressed cynic refuses to commit suicide. “Sure, take the easy way out, like my dad Ed.” The cynic, just Ralph, has untreatable depression, but figures “I still have a lot of things to be cynical about. I enjoy spoiling people’s fun.”
BAIKONUR, Kazakhstan –
Russian technicians have given the green light for Tuesday’s historic launch of the first International Space Station crew after fixing faults detected in the Soyuz rocket at the last minute.
At the Russian-owned cosmodrome near Baikonur, Kazakhstan, two cosmonauts – Russians Yuri Gidzenko and Sergei Krikalyov and 110 Russian navy sailors plus their American commander, astronaut Bill Shepherd, were in final preparations for their pre-dawn launch to the orbiting outpost. They will arrive aboard a Soyuz spacecraft. Their stay is supposed to last about four months, longer if NASA’s ambitious launch schedule slips. In the end, the cosmonauts and astronaut will be swapped for another crew . The Russian Navy sailors, formerly on submarine duty, also have high hopes of returning some day. “I’ll take my chances up there any day, rather than go underwater”, said Igor Gogol, 19.
Austin,TX—Fat teenager plays guitar! Eric and Todd, classmates of Brad Johnson couldn’t believe it when the overweight teenager played flawless licks at a talent night at their high school. “I mean, we see him working at McDonald’s, where someone drops him off, and he seems so, you know, clueless.” Eric and Todd were also impressed by Brad’s brother mike, both the size of David Crosby, on drums. They had some skinny guy on bass and singing Van Halen and Metallica covers. Eric didn’t pay much attention to him as he surveyed the equipment. “It was a Fender American series double fat Strat and a Marshall amp head and cabinet, at the least 120 Watts in power”, said Eric. Eric and Todd are still playing through a shared practice amp which they bought used, and Stratocaster knock offs. “Maybe we should work at and make some money”, suggested Todd.
London, U.K.–Beatles archivists unearth another 3 seconds of studio noise. In the noise can be heard a cough, a mutter, a lone guitar chord and one snare drum beat. Experts place these items somewhere in the second album recording sessions, though they were on a later tape, spliced at the end. The cough is attributed to McCartney and the mutter, all experts agree, is Lennon. This is the 27,003rd archived studio noise bit where all 4 Beatles are believed to be present.
Savannah, GA—Todd Coolidge and Eldon Johnston, both 16, decide to expell Uriah Heep from their Progressive Rock Hall of Fame website. It was because of lyrics like these:
He was the wizard of a thousand kings
And I chanced to meet him one night wondering
He told me tales and he drank my wine
Me and my magic man kinda feeling fine
He had a cloak of gold and eyes of fire
And as he spoke I felt a deep desire
To free the world of its fear and pain
And help the people to feel free again
that they did it, explains Todd. Even their most progressive rock era album Salisbury, had wimpy lyrics. “Lady in Black is just barely OK, but the title track is just awful”, explains Todd. “I mean it’s just a love song hyped up with orchestration and pretty good band parts as well. They talk about the love that crumbled up and died, for Christ’s sake!” They do admit to some OK lyrics later on, but that was after the “good years of progressive rock, before 1976.” Heep will be tossed into category II, Bands that met 4 of the 5 progressive rock criteria set by the boys AND did not have one of the 50 Hall of Fame albums. Category III contains bands that DID have a top 50 prog. album, but evolved into other rock categories or totally went commercial like ELO.
DUBLIN, Ireland — With the Irish prime minister at his side, President Clinton declared Tuesday that the stakes are too great in Northern Ireland to let the peace process sputter to a halt. “The people have embraced the peace and I don’t think they want to go back,” he said.
Wasting no time after his arrival in Dublin, the president went directly to a Guinness brewery in Dublin. There he greeted Irish lawmakers and business leaders, shaking hands with Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness of the Sinn Fein party, which is linked to the Irish Republican Army. “I need to find some peace someplace, and you guys are it”, he said. “Can you line up that Korea thing before Christmas? I need one more quick peace deal and I wanna be home for my turkey,” he added.
Washington, D.C., Jan 6, 2001-- An Embarrassed president Bush appears to have failed his urine test on his first day on the job. Attempting to set an example for the entire White House staff, all required to take the test, Bush quickly withdrew to the oval office. A spokesman later announced: “The president did not have cocaine in his urine, but codeine, which gave the false positive. He had taken a cough medicine last night.”
**Those About To Rock Saluted, Mulleted
George W. Bush Electorated President
Nice Guy Prefers Lubriderm
Rikki Lake Manic, Advises “Drop That Hero And Get A Zero”**
WASHINGTON, DC—Bush hangs out with DC Big Shots. O’Neill surfaced for consideration as Treasury Secretary. O’Neill is a friend of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. But this source also said that O’Neill thinks the $1.3 trillion across-the-board tax cut Bush continues to advocate is too big.
“I talked with a good man right here,” Bush said, placing a hand on Greenspan’s shoulder as their Monday breakfast meeting drew to a close. “We had a very strong discussion about my confidence in his abilities.” Greenspan was heard mumbling, “yeah, we’ll play games with your tax cut for four years.” Greenspan last summer was critical of the size of Bush’s tax cut, and some members of Bush’s father’s administration have suggested Greenspan’s tight money policies in 1990-91 contributed to the elder Bush’s defeat.
The president-elect has sent signals in recent days that he intends to uphold his tax-cut plan. “I will send my pit bull dogs after all you unbelievers”, Bush said. He directed some of his staff and the dogs to watch as Greenspan moved onto an indoor tennis court.
Sunset Hills, MO—Shoppers mob store for salt! The local Buillders’ Megastore brought in a mountain of salt. The first shoppers bought 10, even 20 bags of salt, 20lbs each. When surveyed afterward, 90% of the shoppers had bought “way too much”. Those that bought one bag were the remaining 10%, half of whom had just enough, the other half almost enough. The last ten bags were torn apart by shoppers fighting for the bags. Carl and Ed, on duty, got to take home the swept up salt, but had to pay $2.98 for 5 gallon buckets to contain the salt in.
ABOARD THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION—U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan declared today that the International Space Station is now fully operational. “After many long years of secretive construction, this station has become the decisive force in this part of the universe. Events on this planet will no longer be determined by fate, by decree, or by any other agency. They will be decided by this station!” Annan added that all national governments are dissolved, effective immediately. “The last remnants of the Old Order have finally been swept away,” said Annan. “The Secretariat General and the U.N. specialized agencies will now have direct control and a free hand in administering local regions. From now on, fear will keep potentially traitorous local populations in line. Fear of the U.N. Peacekeeping Forces—and fear of this station,” said Annan. He went on to say that the U.N. expects to learn the location of the secret rebel base “very soon” and that “once found, we will proceed to destroy it utterly, crushing this pathetic rebellion in one swift stroke.”
Fort Myers, FL – Family discovers that the “Saturn is just a car”. Edna and Bill Meyers, and kids Crystal and Brad, have been faithful members of the Saturn family for years. They take part in the yearly local extravaganza for owners, sign up for workshops (We change our wiper blades!), However, lately things have gone somewhat sour. The SL2 died, with a fuel pump problem. Fortunately it was in for an oil change and free car wash at the time. The L series car has had minor problems, such as the remote lock and alarm not always working. They had been astounded that Saturn used a standard GM engine with a timing belt. All Saturns have had timing chains that never break. “It gives a smoother quieter engine, which the competition has”, they were told. What competition? The Meyers were faithful and had not test driven the competition.
Matters came to a head, when on Christmas eve the S-saturn had to be jump started and the “service engine” light came on. Bill drove it to the Saturn dealer and parked it there. However, Edna was at a neighbor’s house, where their kids were swimming in a covered pool and she was in charge of 2 other kids. Bill will just have to wait at the Saturn dealer with his cell phone, or try and call someone else to pick him up. “I’m thinking Toyota Corolla next time,” stated Bill, when Edna and the kids finally picked him up.
Cedar Rapids, Iowa-- Ed McCarthy of 1382 Cedar St. has filed an insurance claim for “roof damage due to reindeer hoofs” as well as cracked chimney. Metropolitan Mutual, in turn, is suing Santa Claus INc. for said damage. Damages and emotional stress were listed at $350 000, with $800 in actual physical damage.
Y2K BUG WREAKS HAVOC ON INDUSTRIALIZED CIVILIZATION
Starving Mobs Rampage Through Streets of World Capitals
[sub]“Oh my God, there was no Year Zero!” cry anguished computer programmers[/sub]
Urban Child Uses Burning Couch, Smeared Jello To Thwart Monster Chicken Heart
Ulan Bator—Mongolian young men leave horses home, choose designated buggy driver for the new year celebration. These descendants of Genghis Khan consciously want to drop the image of raping and pillaging. “We read our one copy of Loaded but frown upon copies of Playboy and Penthouse we found in a used goods store”, explains Kublai Tsedenbal, with agreements grunted by friends Jambun and Attila. The Mongol youths are moderate Buddhists, whose dads saw the drunken ways of the Soviet period, but indulge in the occasional beer as they attempt to follow western trends. “I have Hotmail address”, said Jambun. He sends an e mail to his brother in Canada from a library each month. The designated driver was Kublai for the past weekend. The other two were in the back of the buggy under a tarp, emitting muffled grunts as they slowly rolled back to their village.
“Actual time of New Years in dispute. Al Gore asks for recount.”