Hollywood, CA-Aug 12, 2030. This day marked the era of 1970s movie remakes, as Cannon, The Movie (working title) was wrapped up today. Now all the 1970s drama series have been turned into full length movies. Most of the sit coms will also be wrapped up soon. Valerie Bertnelli has been cast in the role of mom, played by Bonnie Franklin in the original TV series. Schnyder the janitor will be played by Jim Carrey.
Deerpark, PA–The McNeil Widget Company announced they would add 200 jobs, to help out the 500 layed off at the local Boeing plant. Employers will take a $1/h pay cut, 5% for salaried employees and 7% for management. All stock options and bonuses are on hold. Stockholders will give up dividends this year. The Widget stock went up $2 as a result of these announcements. Widget production will be up 10% in two years, sales staff and production managers forecast.
San Diego, CA-- Inventor Paul Virvela released today demo versions of a revo;utionary educational concept. Eliminating all the motivational and communication problems associated with grade school, Virvela has packaged the entire grade 1-5 curriculum into 10 Game Boy cartridges. California and New Jersey immediately contracted for enough copies for all students by September 2001. Game Boy units will be provided 50/50 by the state and parents.
London–Members of the defunct band The Soft Machine announced that progressive rock stopped progressing in 1985. The proposed new term for the genre will be Progressed Rock.
Copyright sunbear/Tero 2001
Cleveland, OH—Suburban restaurant goers Fran and Charles McNichols observed The Pedestrian for the first time. The man is well known in the neighborhood, as he is the only known pedestrian for several square miles. The McNichols spoke with Applebee staff and learned that The Pedestrian crosses the street from his office building a few times a week for lunch or dinner, crossing at an awkward traffic light not marked for pedestrians and having no sidewalk on either side.
Copyright sunbear/Tero 2001
Encino, CA—Videos surfaced here last week showing weirdo rocker Frank (of Dirty Love fame) enjoyed intercourse in the missionary position. Three hours of video by band members show Frank reaching climax 9 out of ten times the missionary way. No live fish were observed for stimulation and only one peeping incident is recorded.
Chicago, Il-- Atheist couple win lottery. Bill and Barbara Woods are taking it calmly.
-Only idiots play the lottery, said Bill, adding that they must have been idiots that day.
They did not believe in fate, superstion etc and performed no ritual magic to win.
-Barb was out to the Stop and Shop to get some beer with a friend of ours, and the friend, Ann, a Christian, talked her into buying a ticket, which she chose at random.
-We don’t really deserve the prize, but since we are atheists, we’ll keep the money, Barb explained.
-We’ll help out some relatives, but only those who are moderately religious.
“Nostalgia is One Thing, but Come On!”
by Linda Dumas
First of all, I want to make clear that I used to be like the world’s biggest Schulzophile. I own every book of the Peanuts comic strip the man ever wrote, for heaven’s sake. When Charles Schulz was still publishing new strips, not a day went by that I didn’t smile in sympathy at Charlie Brown’s latest misadventure, or laugh out loud at Snoopy’s antics. When I learned that Schulz was ready to quit, I spent a sleepless night wondering what the funnies would be like without my beloved Peanuts at the top of the first page. And I cried louder than anyone at his ironic death shortly thereafter.
That being said, however, I must wonder why virtually every newspaper in the country has syndicated Peanuts! For his last strip Schulz could have made Charlie Brown finally kick that football, or finally get a kite to fly, but none of that happened. Instead, Snoopy typed his fans a fond farewell from Schulz. But greedy newspaper publishers insist on bringing the Peanuts cast back from the grave to replay old plots that now seem cliche. Not only are they gravedigging to keep Peanuts “alive,” as it were, but the continued presence of Peanuts in the papers is taking up space that new cartoonists could be using to break into the field! Let’s have something new for a change! Does anyone really think Schulz would have wanted the sort of life-in-death that poor Charlie Brown has to suffer now? Let’s toss out the old to make room for the new; everyone will really be happier that way.
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Atlantic City, NJ—Feb 25, 2002. President Clinton will give a speech tonight to the annual Tupperware convention for $13 685 and $300 worth in storage products of his choice. “It’s not the money, I just like to keep in touch with my people”, said Clinton. He has apparently had a two month gap in speech giving. It started about a year ago right here, with a $100 000 speech to the Asian American motel owners.
Cucamonga, CA-- Robbers made off with the entire supply of Doritos “Real Cash Inside” bags from three convenience stores, netting $2. “We should have stuck to cash registers”, said Bud to Fuzzy afterwards. “Get some garbage bags to store all the bags we opened”, he added
Law Enforcement Officials Got Squat on Area Business Man
Berwyn, IL.
Local businessman Gino “Coffin Nails” Gambatzo was released from county lock up on tuesday. Police cited lack of bupkiss for their failure to indite Gambatzo on some horseshit rap. “We had the testimony of two reliable eyewitnesses,” said prosecutor Pat McGuilicuddy in a press statement sunday, “What do you call them, walnuts?” After the unexplained disappearance of the prosecution’s main witnesses on monday, McGuilicuddy was forced to concede “we got zilch for the grand jury at this time.”
This comes just weeks after a federal investigation into Gambatzo’s activities produced dick, nada. “We have evidence out the wazoo,” claims FBI spokesman Clarence Schiller, “but we are releasing diddly to the press until we’re goddamn good and ready.”
Hell, below (AP)-- AP has learned from CNN, that a media first has been achieved. CNN is about to report on the arrival of Timothy McVeigh in hell. He has been floating in space since the execution, a torture all are subjected to. Now his soul is in the waiting room at the entrance to hell. McVeigh is number 788, and number 355 is now being served, catalogued, and assigned a body unit. Satan was unprepared for CNN, and had to borrow air conditioners from beaven to bring the make-shift press room from 120 degrees to 85. CNN will provide exclusive live coverage.
Washington, D.C. – George Bush gets 3 hours of college credit for a class from Condi Rice on foreigh policy. For his field trip to Europe, after she grades his report in #2 pencil, he gets one more hour of credit. He may go for another political science degree. “I didn’t know it could be a science,” stated Bush. “It’s more like a religious conviction to me.”
Philadelphia, P.A.—Researchers working for the National Academy of Science discover that AMERICANS ARE DOING THEIR PART for the earth. Astoundingly, we are storing one billion metric tons of fat in our butts, removing it from the food chain, and thus, stopping its conversion to CO2. Now, if we could only design small, wide cars, for wide butts.
Philadelphia, PA-- On Fresh Air, NPR, Terry Gross interviews firts republican artist in her long radio career. Bud Winchester described his Western art and his deep understanding of animals. “First I photograph them, the I shoot them again, for real. Then I sketch the proud animal from the Polaroid. Then, as I finish the artwork, I eat them. I love animals.”
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read on this board.
Washington, D.C. – Free Market pins down Big Government in wrestling match. The match was set to make decisions that the courts were unable to resolve. In these times of near recession, the rules have changed, and Free Market entered Arnold, an obviously pumped up guy, while Big Govermnet sent in the aging Ted. Arnold had Ted pinned to the mat in under a minute. The first consequences of this match have been the recent Microsoft rulings.
Jan 2, 2024—Hollywood, CA. Rhinos Records signs the entire 70s! Signing for the recording artists Guild, CEO Bruce Springsteen received a wire transfer for $ 2.3 billion, to be divided among the 70s artists, or their estates, by a complex formula. Also released today by Rhino was a micro-compact disc, “1970”, containing all 20,348 located songs of that year. The disc has graphics, but no video. Current hit holographic Cd:s go for the same list price, $59.95, but have typically only 8 songs.
Crawford, TX—As expected, president Bush withdrew federal funds from human stem cell research. “The Pope explained to me that each fertilized embryo already has a soul. We can’t be scattering the cells containing these souls all over the place. In addition, we can’t have federal funding for these embryo frozenization clinics. All current embryos will be implanted in volunteer mothers. No federal embryos shall be destroyed. Taxpayers should not be made to support this kind of research. On the other hand, it’s a free country, we will not stop private research. This is different from cloning in that sense.”
ThisYearsGirl wrote:
Too bad it’s not original. (It comes from a real Onion article.)
LOCAL ASTRONAUT DISCOVERS EARTH TAKEN OVER BY APES
Apocalyptic Nightmare-world is Not Another Planet
In press conference, man damns all apes to Hell
Chicago, IL – SDMB gets hacked again. Passwords need to be replaced. Most members give up and make their password the same as the username. What use would hacking my SDMB password be? asks Rich Hall.