Avon, NC- Experts not sure why people insist on swimming in the ocean. “There are lots of lakes and swimming pools”, stated one expert.
Experts unsure what caused shark attack. Officials were still unsure Tuesday as to what provoked a shark attack in North Carolina that killed a man and critically injured his girlfriend.
Zoologists think group aggressive behavior and hunger may have played a small role. “They are predators.”
Plano, TX-- Frito Lay, ( http://www.fritolay.com/ )announced that Doritos will be Even More Nacho Cheesier Jan 1. Consumer snack activist Jack Stone was quick to critisize even their previous cheesyness increrase. “About 50% of Doritos fans don’t care. But they lost 20% of their old customers and gained 15%, some of those from other cheese snack consumers. There is an opportunity for some lean cheese products based on corn. But I guess Frito just does not give a f**k about old customers.” Stone has switched to cool ranch Doritos himself.
Keeper of the flame!
Flame? Maybe just a bookmarked thread…
Haifa, Israel -
A local conspiracy theorist today alleged that he had uncovered “uncontrovertible, undeniable” proof of a hidden connection between the South Haifa Temple of Peace, a local Reformed synagogue, and the worldwide Jewish movement. Sources close to the synagogue seemed unconcerned when confronted with the allegations.
The theorist, a man known only by the alias onTheRun, said he had a collection of “signed documents, aerial photographs, and affidavits” establishing a connection between the smallish religious institution and the Jewish faith. “It’s true! People will try to cover it up, but there’s no denying it. The SHTP is a Jewish organization, has always been a Jewish organization, and always will be a Jewish organization.”
“Look at this,” he told Unyon reporters, holding up a photo. “This is a photo of the temple taken in 1998 by a government operative. A Star of David can clearly be seen. Oh, you might have missed it, and they might have taken it down, but make no mistake, it was there.”
onTheRun claims there might also be a connection to Zionism, the doctrine that Jews have a right to live in peace in their own homeland. “This one is harder to nail down, because you know those Zionists are good at covering their tracks. But I’m quite certain of it: many members of the temple - both officers and in the rank-and-file - believe that it Israel has a right to exist like any other state. Plus, I have reason to believe that the government knows about this organization,” he added, holding a document confirming the Temple of Peace’s legal status as a non-profit organization.
Synagogue officials seemed unconcerned by the accusations. “Well, yes, pretty much everyone who comes to services is Jewish. That one young Ukrainian fellow had an Orthodox mother, I think,” said a Rabbi.
Another Rabbi added, “Plus there are a lot of Americans and Europeans, who are of mixed religious backgrounds; some of them haven’t been to temple in years. We welcome them. It’s a pleasure to see so many nationalities all studying the Torah.”
The allegations of Zionism brought no strong reactions either. “Really I don’t know the political leanings of my congregation,” said one Rabbi. “We mainly talk about spiritual things.”
Fayatteville, GA - John Epps, a local 32 year-old man described as “not ugly”, found himself once again “just friends” with another woman tuesday night. Lisa Johnson, the 30 year old attractive blonde and current love interest of John, proclaimed John as the “sweetest guy she knows”. The news came to John after consoling Lisa over the loss of her old boyfriend, Rabies, the lead singer of a heavy-metal band. After a feirce crying session, Lisa told John that she was glad that they were such good friends and that he was such a nice guy. Then she told John that he should “help her look for a new boyfriend”. Having now added a fifth girl to his “Just Friends” list, John is currently contemplating ways to kill time, self.
“Ashamed to be an American” Paraphernalia Sell Poorly for Sixth Week Running
BOULDER, CO - The nagging, impatient wife of local alcoholic Marty Fletcher could have prevented her husband’s descent into the bottom of the bottle if she only had given her husband a break once in a while.
Bonnie Fletcher, 42, tearfully admitted to Unyon reporters that Marty’s drinking and running around were all her fault. “Two years ago, when he lost his job at the filling station for appearing to be intoxicated on the job, I told him I was disappointed, and wondered aloud make mortgage payments. How could I have been so insensitive? Couldn’t I have just cut him a little slack - just once?”
Mr. Fletcher, 44, agreed wholeheartedly with his wife’s analysis. “It’s true,” he said, between pulls on a bottle of Wild Irish Rose. “She’s been dogging me ever since we met. I’ve tried to be a good husband - lord knows I’ve tried. I made it halfway through law school for her,” he said, referring to the year he spent at the University of Colorado before poor grades forced him out. “Every time I’d get into a bar fight or have to get bailed out for DWI, she’d bitch at me. Every time.”
Since Bonnie and Marty were college sweethearts, the descent of their relationship into drunken bickering surprised a lot of their classmates. “Bonnie and Marty met senior year, after Marty won the Phi Eta Phi Jagermeister contest,” said one of Bonnie’s former roommates. “You know, the one that resulted in the infamous Puke Volcano? It was totally in the paper. Anyway, I always thought they were like made for each other. I’m totally surpised to hear they’re not getting along.”
Friends agreed that Bonnie was a hard woman to love while sober. “Bonnie was always doing stuff, you know, to make Marty mad,” said a source. “Like when he’d come home smelling like liquor, she’d offer him a glass of fruit juice. She said it was to try to keep him from getting dehydrated as he sobered up, but we all knew it was just to try to clean up his breath. That’s how selfish she is.”
Experts believe that alcoholism is a disease that can be conquered by the alcoholics’ spouses and their spouses alone. “Some people think alcoholsim is a disease, which can only be cured after the drinker admits that he has a problem,” said Dr. Myron Vandenberg of the Colorado Center for Alcoholism Research. “These people are laboring under a dangerous and obsolete myth. Alcholism is primarily a a family problem, caused by nagging, perfectionistic familiy members - usually spouses - who jump all over you just for having a few beers. Our goal is try to get these spouses to try to lay off, and I am proud to say that we are gradually succeeding.”
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. — With security tighter than ever, NASA began the countdown late Monday for this week’s launch of space shuttle Endeavour on a space station delivery mission.
Even more surveillance and safeguards will be in place by the time Endeavour is fueled and seven astronauts are on board for Thursday’s liftoff. It will be the first space shuttle mission conducted while the country is at war.
For the astronauts, things will be as normal as possible, but nail clippers and box cutters will not be allowed in their personal carry on items.
Former Secretary of the Interior, James Watt, has been named as the new head of the NAACP. He is the first non-African-American to hold this position. Following the NAACP’s often-made wishes to add more African-American characters to TV, ABC announced they are retooling “Two Guys And A Girl.” The new version, entitled “Two Guys, A Girl, A Black, A Woman, Two Jews, and A Cripple,” will premiere next year.
Getting back to business as usual, Tom Delancy, a local domestic Terrorist resolves, “If I don’t bomb the Iowa State Capital, that means the terrorists have already won.” “This is what keeps America great,” stated Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack while wiping soot and dust from his brow.
Computer Malfunction Blamed for Jupiter Mission Disaster
Europa, Jupiter System - Investigations into last week’s Discovery tragedy revealed that the onboard computer, a system known as ‘HAL 9000’, was responsible for the deaths of all but one crewmember.
“We knew something was wrong with the computer as soon as we switched it on,” says one investigator, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a worse rendition of ‘Daisy, Daisy’!”
No further clues have been revelead as to the origins of the large black slab found two days ago, in orbit around Jupiter. Also unsolved is the apparent disappearance of Dr. David Bowman, who still remains missing.
“Look, I hate to sound pessimistic,” the investigator said, “But I don’t think anyone will ever really understand what the hell happened out here.”
Point/Counterpoint
I Love L.A.!
By Randy Newman
Hate New York City, it’s cold and it’s damp. And, all the people dress like monkeys. Let’s leave Chicago to the Eskimos. That town’s a little too rugged for you and me.
Rollin’ down the Imperial Highway with a big nasty redhead at my side, Santa Ana wind blowin’ hot from the north, and we was born to ride!
Roll down the window, put down the top. Crank up the Beach Boys, baby don’t let the music stop. We’re gonna ride it till we just can’t ride it no more.
From the South Bay to the Valley, from the West Side to the East Side. Everybody’s very happy 'cause the sun is shining all the time! Looks like another perfect day. I Love L.A.!
Fuck L.A.
By Jon Feldmann
I tried once to be civil, but I just got put on hold. I’m sick of hearing complaints–“The espresso is too cold!” You act like you’re a friend but then you talk 'bout how we suck. Just save it for your dildo, that’s the only thing you’ll fuck!
If I was smart, I’d run fast out of this town. Sometimes I want to shout and scream, “Fuck L.A.!”
Traded your Doc Martens in exchange for cowboy boots, you’re asking, “Who’s Keith Morris?” Yeah, you’re punk rock.
Where’s your roots? You’re a rocker, you’re a biker, you’re punk rock, now you skate. Last year it was Zeppelin, now it’s Bad Brains. You’re a fake!
If I was smart, I’d run fast out of this town. Sometimes I want to shout and scream, “Fuck L.A.!”
**WWF IS “STAGED”
Heart-broken fans lament heroes’ trickery**
Orlando. 28 Nov. 2001- Scandal rocked the world of professional wrestling today as Mountain Man Mannix, King of the Hill, admitted during a press conference that “some of” the action in World Wrestling Federation matches was “not really real.”
"Like, some of it is staged, " Mannix, 35, said while questioned by reporters as to how he was able to recover so quickly after being whipped with razor wire and then thrust into a pool of quicksand filled with rattlesnakes and left to die by his two old adversaries, Triple H and the recently turned heel, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Fans were horrified. “I can’t believe it. Its like my own father has shot me down,” said Mickey Esler, 38, of Buffalo. “This is like something out of the Matrix. I mean, is everything in life just some absurd and cruel trick? Is this what Socrates meant when he said life was just shadows on the wall?”
“I’m devastated,” Peter Miller, 32, of New Jersey, said. “Like, I was waiting for the Rock to come beat Mankind this Friday night and avenge his loss. But this just seems to me to say that all justice in the world is just a farce.”
“And now what am I going to do on a Friday night? I’ve been eating pork rinds and drinking beer every Friday for as long as I can remember, accompanied by the WWF. My life is changed irrevocably,” he added.
Mannix’s manager later retracted the astonishing admission.
“The King of the Hill is still a bit delusional from the rattlesnake venom,” Beans McIdle, Mannix’s manager, said in a hasty press conference this morning.
Associate Professor T.R. Broadbent had great difficulties understanding a student’s term paper, sources said Tuesday. “It sounds like the student made extensive - if not exclusive - use of the English language,” said a colleague of Prof. Broadbent. “Quite a faux pas.”
Prof. Broadbent expressed frustration at the student’s peformance. “This one think he’s a major enfant terrible, throwing around all those big English words as if it were lingua Franca. Okay, maybe dictionary work is just my bete noire, but I found the whole paper rather dull.”
On a different note, Broadbent did express some hope for the student. “Some of my art history students are truly hopeless, lacking entirely in joi de vivre, or displaying an unharnessed weltschmertz which doesn’t really let them shine. With this student, the problem is simply that he can’t make himself understood without the use of English, n’est-ce pas? Take this bizarre sentence, ‘Naturally, the minimalists would view this sort of artwork as terribly sophisticated, perhaps a bit decadent.’ Sophisticated and decadent? Excuse me? Wouldn’t “fin de siecle” have made a perfectly good quid pro quo in that sentence?”
Sources in the art history department speculated on the final grade for the term paper. “Well, it’s a de facto C-, but I bet Broadbent gives him a C+ just because I hear the kid’s uncle is something of an eminence grise on campus. In any case it’s not a fait accompli.”
PORTLAND, OR - Local disc jockey Kevin Morgan, known on the air as “Kool Kev”, was fired from radio station KHIT for failing to mention either September 11th or the Bush administration’s “war on terrorism” for a full 30-minute broadcast period Monday.
KHIT radio officers gave a terse statement saying that Morgan’s employment had ended because of “Egregious violations of KHIT Sensitivity and Patriotism Policy” which was mandatory for all employees.
In an interview, Morgan stated that he had no idea what he was doing was a violation of the policy until he was fired. “I thought, like, I was all right, cause I mentioned the World Trade Center thing in a roundabout way. I listened to the tape, and what I said was, ‘Well, given all the bad stuff that’s gone on recently, I’d like to dedicate Journey’s “Open Arms” to all the people who are fighting for peace in the world. That song all ways make me feel glad when I’m a little blue and I hope it does the same for you.’ I totally thought that counted as mentioning the tragedy, but [KHIT producer] Ruby Rick [Jenkins] told me it didn’t count cause I didn’t directly mention 9/11 or the war on terrorism between 11:30 and noon. Boy am I gonna miss being on the air.”
Sources say the 30-minute stretch is the longest KHIT has gone since September 11 without mentioning the tragedy or the administration’s response by name. “Back in October, I think it was like the 17th, we went for 22 minutes without mentioning it,” recalled a KHIT employee. “But it was 3 AM, and it was that new Tuesday late-night DJ, Sarah or Sally or whatever her name is, so we figured we’d let it slide. But we couldn’t let a big name like Kool Kev drag our radio station - and this beloved, united country - into the mud by ignoring this tragedy for a full 30 minutes in the middle of the broadcast day. I’m glad he’s gone.”
Radio station sources say Kool Kev’s spot will be filled by a pair of syndicated radio personalities known as “Proud” and “American”.
Man Claims to have impregnated own hand, asks Pope to remove masturbation from list of sins.
Brooklyn, NY – 43 year old Joseph Manioli can’t explain what happened but after 30 loving years he says his right hand is expecting. “I’m not exactly sure what to expect but as long as it has 4 fingers and a thumb I’ll be satisfied.” Joseph said. Joseph, who lives in his parents basement, has recently began a letter writing campaign to local Catholic authorities, indeed even going so far as to write to the Pope in Rome, to ask that the Church condone his masturbation since “It is clearly not a selfish act. We are bringing another life into this world.” Even though his chances for having his relationship recognized by the Church are dim he assured us that he has committed himself to his relationship and will go forward even without the Church’s blessing. “We’ve been together so long already. Palmella and I are very happy and we will remain so.”
a 2001 thread…Ok…here goes…
Mozart demoted to shoe box!
Sioux Falls, S.D.(AP) – Medieval scholar, Renaissance Fair organizer and local Taco Bell manager Jesus Gonzales took time over the weekend (he only had to manage Friday at Taco Bell) to organize his CD colection. CDs had started to collect on the coffee table. The ten world music Cds got their own 20 CD plastic case (“I might get some more”), but his 26 Mozart CDs went to a shoe box, placed on a shelf in the closet. They were marked Mozart on both ends of the shoe box. “I think they will be quite happy next to the Haydn symphonies shoe box,” commented Gonzales.
Man falls for goatse.cx link, is good sport about it
Ft. Lauradale, Florida - David Myrzynski, 24, fell for a link posted on a video game message board that, on the surface appeared to be a harmless link to a list of Super Nintendo games, was actually a link to a famous site featuring a pornographic picture on it. David, who goes by the name “Mariofan1978” on the board, was a good sport about it. “Hey, everyone falls for the goatse.cx link at some time or another. Also, I’ve seen the picture on that site a hundred times. I really don’t mind.” Myrzynski said. The man who posted the link, “uekte”, was unavailable for comment.
Hijacked eagles hit Numenor towers
Numenor, Middle Earth - Halimath 11 is a day which will live forever. In the land of Numenor, two eagles were hijacked by terrorists and crashed into the two towers. The first eagle crashed at about 9:30 AM. Terrified men ran away. Then, a second eagle crashed into the other tower. Later, the two towers collapsed, leaving an enormous amount dead.
Yeah, I know, kinda tasteless, and I probably got a bunch of stuff about Middle Earth wrong. It’s almost midnight and I’m tired. So there.