Let me start off by saying that I’m an arrogant, selfish, shallow, insecure pig who deserves to die alone and unloved.
There, I said it, and I actually believe it, so any posts to that effect are unnecessary. Go elsewhere in you need to urinate in someone’s cereal.
Okay, so I have a match.com profile (monsignorquixote if anyone is curious)(although this is not a flirt thread; which means, paradoxically, that you may flirt if you want to. Just not with me. Or something like that.)
I finally ponied up the dough to email some of my “matches,” but there’s one that I’m not sure what to do with. We seem quite similar in many, many ways, and I think we would make excellent freinds. But I don’t see her as someone I’d necessarily date, for several reasons. (And because someone will ask: yes, its partly for physical reasons; no, she’s not fat; yes, other guys would undoubtedly find her attractive; no, I’m not mature; yes, it’s just a matter of my own personal predilections, no doubt rooted in my masculine inadequacies).
Now, then. The conundrum: Her ad does say something to the effect of “looking for freinds, not just dates” … but does anyone really mean that? I mean, mine says that too, and I do mean it … but if someone’s gonna answer my friggin’ personal ad, I’m sure as heck going to hope it’s for more than freindship. Even if she says she only wants to be friends, I (being an arrogant, selfish, shallow insecure pig) am going to hold out a lot of hope for quite awhile and feel pretty let down if from day one it’s freinds and freinds only forever.
So, I seem to have three options:
Contact her and say from the very start I’m just looking for freinds. This is going to pretty damned lame, since she obviously will know that I do have a personal ad, and I am looking for dates, and that for whatever reason, I only want to be freinds with her. If you ask me, that’s a dick move. But you’re not asking me, I’m asking you.
Don’t contact her (the “Father Mackenzie” option). This is what makes sense to me. Which may in turn explain why I’m 35 and looking for love and freindship online.
Contact her, go on a few dates, “give it a shot,” and then say I just wanna be freinds. Dishonest, and an even bigger dick move IMHO.
But I don’t want my O, I want your O. (Actually, I’m pretty fucking desperate for some O, but let’s not go there.) What would you do/what would you like have done to you?
Everyone knows, when they go on first dates, that there may be no romantic connection so you’re not leading her on.
The people you’ve picked as being “right for you” in the past haven’t worked out that way or else you wouldn’t be still looking.
Many of my friends have ended up in long term relationships and marriages with people they initially said they weren’t attracted to. They started off as friends.
Once you know and like someone they become more attractive to you.
If after you have a few dates you still feel nothing then you should tell her, she might feel the same way and you gain a friend. It’s not dishonest, that’s the same thing that could happen if you thought you would be attracted to her but then didn’t like her personality. Something about this person really attracts you or else you wouldn’t be giving her a second thought.
Meet her for coffee and see what happens. It may be that you find her more attractive in person than you expected – pheronomes happen. Or it may be that the lack of attraction is mutual, and you’re both fine with that.
My best friend, currently, is a guy I met as a possible date through an online ad. We never went through a “dating” phase per se, but did become good friends almost immediately. Three other friends who I hang out with a lot these days are guys I met and did date for a while ( two or three dates, a couple of months, and about six months, respectively), but who work out better as friends than as consorts.
Option 3, she may look more attractive in person than in the pictures and you’ve got yourself a woman - if she winds up being interested in you, of course. And if not, then you both move on with your lives.
I’m stretching my reading comprehension here a bit… are you saying that you have not yet sent an email to her? If that’s the case, it’s way too early to start analyzing this deeply.
In my experience, the online dating thing for men is VERY hit or miss. You can easily send out a couple dozen letters to different ladies with zero responses. Easily. What you’re doing now is the equivalent of saying “Hi.” in a bar. Chances are you’ll get shot down, but that’s no reason to not try.
Nobody’s ad describes who they are exactly, there’s a lot of variation, you truly need to talk one on one with a person before you know who they are. Do not trust the ad that far, it is a blunt tool like an ax, not a precision tool. Your initial impression, while it’s probably right, could easily be wrong.
At this point you should be going for Option 3, see what happens after a date, whether it’s dinner or coffee. Don’t turn down a date, it’s not a dick move to take a woman out and show her a nice time, even if it doesn’t lead to a longer relationship.
This is the part I am not understanding. First you say:
" We seem quite similar in many, many ways, and I think we would make excellent freinds. But I don’t see her as someone I’d necessarily date, for several reasons."
But then you say:
" Even if she says she only wants to be friends, I (being an arrogant, selfish, shallow insecure pig) am going to hold out a lot of hope for quite awhile and feel pretty let down if from day one it’s freinds and freinds only forever."
If it is just that you don’t think you will find her attractive in person, then I would test that theory. I bet there are many women in real life you have met and been attracted to, but if shown a certain picture of them first, you wouldn’t have thought you would have found them attractive.
There is a sports analyst I watch on TV several times a week. I have always liked his analysis, but never once thought him good looking. Then one day at a sporting event, I see the most gorgeous man. I can’t stop staring at him. He looks a little familiar, I think maybe he looks like somene I know or something. Then I realize who it is. I can’t believe I never noticed how good looking he was before. Next time I see him on TV, I am trying to remember why I thought he was so good looking in person. I mention this to a few other people, and they all say the same thing. Women don’t think much of how he looks on TV, but in person they swoon. So I don’t think you should rule her out just because of a picture or two.
If it is something in her profile that makes you not want to date her, then that is different. If she says she has 15 kids, and you wouldn’t want to date someone with 15 kids, or she smokes and you don’t like that, or something similar, then don’t bother. I doubt you would change your mind just by meeting her in person.
(not sure what that means, just had to go for the bad joke)
I hate that you had to post that entire disclaimer … I don’t know why it isn’t ok to see someone (or someone’s picture), and just shrug and say “not my type.” When I’m in online dating mode, I do it all the time – which is partly why I usually don’t tell folks that I’m looking, because I get tired of the “give him a chance!” stuff. Maybe that makes me a jerk, too. ::shrug::
If she says it but doesn’t mean it, it’s not your problem.
Why can’t you contact her, go on a few dates, and really “give it a shot?” Even if you go into the meeting/first date pretty sure that you just want to be friends, it’s not being a dick to give it a try. As soon as you know for sure that you just want to be friends, tell her – whether it’s before the first date, or after the fourth. You have no control over how she reacts to that info, but you’re being honest and no one can hold it against you (even though I know that you’re desperate for someone to hold it against you…heh).
When I meet guys from online sites, I make it clear that I don’t consider the first meeting to be a “date.” To me, a real date can’t be arranged between two people who haven’t ever met. It’s just a meeting, to see how things go in person: you never, ever know what the chemistry will be like until you meet. If we seem to click at the first meeting, then we’ll go on a date. It’s not like I spend weeks writing to guys before arranging to meet – I generally prefer to meet as soon as possible – so anyone who insists on seeing our first meeting as a “date” is probably way too intense for my tastes.
Actually, George went out with women, and then figured out why he had to break it off. I figure out why I have to break it off before I even meet them.
Okay, okay already. I’ll suck it up.
This concludes this week’s edition of “Shy Guy Rationalizations.”
Look at it this way - if you already don’t find her attractive, what better person to test out your dating skills? I’m guessing they’re a little rusty, to say the least.
So, take the girl out for a date, re-learn your small-talk skills, check out what’s good topical conversation for a ‘testing the waters’ date and use that to your advantage later when you find someone you actually do like.
If you happen to end up liking her, then so much the better. If you don’t ‘click’ together, you move on.
Most people are smart enough to realize that there’s no guarantee of compatability in a generic pick-up date from a website, so you’re under no obligation to date people only if you can envisage grandkids together. In fact, that’s just plain silly, since as people have noted here already, you can’t tell whether you’ll like the person based just off their photograph.
That’s how I approached online dating, Bites. I considered it Concentrated Dating, and I used each date to improve my meeting the opposite sex skills. That’s something no one bothers to teach teenagers - that dating is a skill, just like anything else, and the more you do it, the better you get at it.
Meet her, furt. Meet as many women as you can. Hone those skills, baby.
Well, just one quick thing I did notice in your match profile - you typo’d the word ‘friend’ in the second paragraph. I know I’m picky, but when I was doing that stuff spelling and punctuation mattered to me.
Also, and this is only a very gentle suggestion, if I were your very, very best friend I would delicately hint to you that you might want to consider editing out the bit on flatulance.
But since I’m a stranger on a message board I’ll just tell you to go ahead and cut that part out. Really. I’m a woman. You can trust me on this one.