"Only" Children - tell me about it.

In My Humble Opinion
21

When you were growing up, did you wish for a sibling?
Oh, absolutely ! I always wanted a brother and a sister. I got neither :frowning:

Now that you’re an adult, do you wish you had at least one sibling?
Yes. I am overcome by lonliness sometime, and having a brother or sister to talk to and spend time with would be such a blessing.

Do you feel you’ve missed out at all? Or are you happy with the way it worked out?
Definitely. My mother was WAY overprotective, I had very few friends growing up, and I missed out on almost everything most people take for granted in childhood. My friends were mosly my dogs, and imaginary friends. I am not happy about it at all. I honestly think my parents were incredibly selfish in not having more children.

I am asking because my husband and I recently had our first baby, and I am wondering if we should have another one or not. I have a brother and can’t imagine life without him. Hubby has a sister so he can’t imagine what it would be like to be an only child either.
My own opinion… PLEASE have more than one child. Right now, I am totally alone in the world, parents dead, no family, and a sibling would make it all so much more bearable.

The sharing of your experiences and thoughts is much appreciated!

22

I am not an only child, but I have one and my dad is one…now.

I just want to say, you should have another child, if you desire another child to love and nurture. And for no other reason. If you are thinking of having another child because two is “normal” or because you want you kid to have someone to play with, etc., then I think you should think again.

When we announced we weren’t having another child (mostly to shut up the “when’s the next one coming” questions) we were subjected to a barrage of stuff like, “He’ll be lonely” “Who will help him take care of you when you’re old?” and “After you’ll die, he’ll have no one” type comments.

My responses were…“no, we have lots of friends with kids and he’s making new friends all the time” “And what about Daddy? Uncle John died when they were kids, we’re all helping take care of Grandma” and “Well, I hope he has friends and family of his own before I die and if not, he has aunts, uncles and cousins.”

You should have children because you want children, not to serve some future purpose. There is no garuntee that your kids will like each other or be friends when they are older. There is no garuntee they will both live to adulthood or beyond.

As for my only child, he’s 7½. He has only ever asked for an older brother. Well, no way I was going to be able to deliver that! But he only asked a couple of times before he was really able to understand that it wasn’t possible. Occasionally he wishes a particular friend was his brother. But then even thought I had both a sister and a brother, I used to wish certain friends were my sisters instead of my real sister. We got along fine, I just liked my friends better!

My kiddo seems pretty happy. He loves to have friends over, but I can tell, often he’s glad when they’ve gone home and things are quiet again. Oh, and as a bonus, everyone likes it when the family with the only child shows us at it lowers the child/adult ratio at any gathering. :wink:

23

I was an only child for 6 years. I was supposed to be a miracle, too, since Mom had been certified sterile by the best gynes in the country. We moved to another town when I was 4 1/2, so I didn’t even have my cousins nearby.

Doctors, HAH!

Those two brothers of mine are the best gift I’ve ever got. Being so much older than them, I was still in many ways a “single child”: my friends from school all spent the weekends outisde of town, my cousins weren’t there either, and the youngest bro was learning to read while I went to “junior disco”.

Heck, if I hadn’t had them, I probably would never have been able to do a lot of the things I’ve done - being “the only girl” already means I get to be “the caretaker”, I didn’t need to also be the only child!

(When I first read “like water for chocolate” I actually got a jolt of recognition from the way the mother informs her youngest daughter that “you cannot marry because you must care for me” - Mom doesn’t lie it down like that and she would like me to be married… of course to a man of her liking who didn’t interfere with her bossing… but she doesn’t say it out loud. She’s gotten better in the years since Dad died but I swear she used to be just like that woman)

24

I am not an only child, however the age difference between my sister and I (eight years, I’m older) is pretty large so I got to do the only child thing for a number of years. And yes, I liked it. I never asked for a brother or sister; I was a pretty independent child and liked doing things on my own. Siblings just seemed like they fought all the time. It would be like having one of my classmates living with me 24/7 and I didn’t like my classmates. I didn’t like people all that much, so I appreciated having a quiet house and lots of alone time. I wasn’t devastated when my sister was born, however I can’t say we’re really that close. We have entirely different generational frameworks, no friends in common. We’re not going to go through the same things at the same time (I’ve graduated from graduate school and have a full-time job, she’s still a junior in high school) so it is hard to relate to one another. On the other hand, we rarely fight. Really, it’s like we’re kind of two only children that happened to be born back to back with only a little bit of overlap where we both lived in the same house.

IMO, having a second child simply to enhance the psychological health of the child you have is a lot like having a second child simply so he can donate bone marrow to the older child, i.e. he’ll feel just like a machine made to benefit someone else. Have a second child because you want to have one, not because your other child wants one.

25

By “the things I’ve done”, I don’t mean kid stuff. I realized that wasn’t clear enough. I mean things like go to college far enough that I didn’t return home every weekend, and abroad for graduate school.

Possessive, controlling Mom plus perfectionist, controlling Dad is not a very good combo. It did produce a very efficient worker who would be happy spending alone 15 hours a day (the 8 I’m asleep don’t count). The bros shared part of the load for years, and once Dad got out of the picture we were able to reeducate Mom; if it had been just me I don’t think I would have been able to do it.

In any case, I have to say that I agree with Rhiannon8404 that you shouldn’t have another kid as… something to compliment the one you already have. If you want one, go for it! And if you don’t, or if you try and it doesn’t come… don’t fret it.

(Mom’s final pregnancy, people kept asking me if I wanted a little sister now, and I’d say “no, because I’m so far from Edu that even if he’d been a girl we wouldn’t have played together; if this one is a girl we’ll all be lonely” - later I’ve discovered that being boy or girl is actually a pretty unimportant detail when it comes to things like hobbies, but hey, I was eight)

26

My brother is 10 years older than me, so he went to university when I was 8, and didn’t move back to our city until he was 26. So for many years, I was like an only child. I loved it, but I’m very introverted anyway. Even now, I’m only starting to get to know him. He remembers me from birth and has all the bonds that come with that, but it seems I don’t have that many memories of him before he moved. I know I can depend on him for anything, but we’re not overly close. We are starting to get more in common now that we’re both adults though. But I was never around children when I was young, so when I ended up being babysat along with some toddlers when I was 9, I went nuts. As in, I’m still on medication 10 years later nuts. I had never had anyone cling to me like that - I had been a lone wolf, just doing my own thing whenever I wanted to. So I guess if I had a sibling around my age, it might have been different, but I never want a younger sibling. I even had a panic attack about it and told my mother, but she reassured me it wasn’t possible (she hit menopause when I was young).

27

22 year old only child here. No, growing up I was surrounded by neighbors, daycare friends, and family so I never really felt lonely. I went through some really really tough family stuff from 17-19 and wished I had a sibling who could understand what I was going through but now that everything is done I don’t have that feeling so much anymore. I don’t feel like I missed out at all and in fact I think I more than anything I gained a valuable perspective on life that in essence gave me a head start vs. people with siblings. As a child. you are forced to use your imagination a lot more to to entertain yourself You interact more with adults so your maturity level is much higher then other kids your age. I can’t really explain it but I love being an only child! In fact I only want to have one child so my child can have the same experiences.

One thing that I think makes me love my Only-childness so much more is that I’m super close with my cousins. We consider each other our sisters so I think that helps a lot. We still share a lot of childhood memories because our grandpa used to babysit all of us so I have the best of both worlds almost!

28

21 year old only child here. Honestly, I never really wanted a sibling that much. I am plenty social, with friends close enough that they might as well be siblings… and it’s entirely possible (especially given a lot of the sibling relationships I have seen) that if I had to live with a brother when I was in high school, I’d have spent a lot of time thinking about how to get away with homicide. I like my peace and quiet, a lot of the time, for all that I enjoy having people around.

I feel like I might have missed out a little, but that anything I missed was likely outweighed by the benefits of the situation. The important thing, I think, is to make sure the social aspect is still there with an only child - all of the only children I know who appear worse for the experience are the ones whose parents were never home, and never went out and played with the other kids. There are definitely some strange only children out there… but there’s no need for yours to be one, if that’s the way the situation ends up.

29

For you only children who wish you had a sibling so you could have someone to be close to: it doesn’t always work that way. My sister and I are very different people, and we’re not close because of it. We’re not unfriendly or anything, just don’t have much in common these days. I could name a few of my co-workers that I’m closer to than I am to my sister.

I did that, and I wasn’t an only child.

There are absolutely no guarantees that your first and second child will get along or be close to each other. Having another kid isn’t a guarantee that the first one won’t end up spending more time with the TV and computer than with other people- if their personality is such that that’s what they prefer to do, they’ll do it whether or not they’re an only child. Have a second child because you want a second child, not because you don’t want your first child to be an only child.

30

Rhiannon8404: amen, not-sister!

When you were growing up, did you wish for a sibling?

I occasionally had a passing wish for a female twin, but never had a persistent desire for an older or younger sib. I grew up in close proximity to six neighborhood kids (three sets of siblings) so I had an extended group of kids to play with. Their sibling relationships ranged from violent animosity (throwing hammers at each other; pushing each other off of piers, etc.) to totally ignoring one another (essentially sharing living space but otherwise being in totally separate social circles) to close friendship. We all lived in the same neighborhood for our entire childhoods and four of us left for college within a few years of each other. I enjoyed their company but it was great to be able to go home and be ‘alone’ when I wanted to.

I remember that I didn’t like all of the kids in the neighborhood and at one point it occured to me that if I had a brother or sister the odds of my ‘liking’ them would be no higher than the odds of my liking one of the neighborhood kids drawn at random. We would share a lot of experiences, true - but that would not, apparently, automatically be enough to keep us from throwing hammers at each other with evil intent.

Now that you’re an adult, do you wish you had at least one sibling?

No.

Do you feel you’ve missed out at all? Or are you happy with the way it worked out?

I don’t think that I have missed out. I am happy with the way things turned out. I find it odd that people feel ‘lonely’ because they don’t have siblings - don’t folks make friends at school/work/church/whatever?

Overall, I agree with Rhiannon8404 and Anne Neville that you should have additional children because you want them, not because you think that your first child might ‘miss out’ on something. I’m curious; what lessons does having a sibling teach you that you cannot learn in the normal process of playdates/preschool/school/work/marriage? IMHO an adult ‘only’ child that can’t share would be a lousy sharer even if they had a sibling.

Full disclosure: I have a 2yr old son and we are working on making him a little brother or sister. I would be happy having him be an only child but I don’t feel strongly one way or the other. My wife, on the other hand, has an identical twin and a younger sister and feels strongly about having a larger family. We have agreed that two kids is the max, though.

31

When you were growing up, did you wish for a sibling?
Yes, yes yes! I would’ve given my right arm for a sibling.

Now that you’re an adult, do you wish you had at least one sibling?
You bet. Somebody who’d know my history and vice versa. I confess that I have a “Waltons” mentality when it comes to siblings in that everybody gets along, etc., even though I know IRL that isn’t necessarily the case.

Do you feel you’ve missed out at all? Or are you happy with the way it worked out?
Being an only, for me, was/is a two-edged sword. On the plus side, it helped me to be quite self-reliant in that I never needed anybody to entertain me. I had more imaginary friends than real friends. I had my parents’ undivided attention and, as with most onlies, was spoiled to an extent. I did a lot of “grown up” stuff like going to museums, the symphony, etc. Heck, I was more comfortable around any adult more than I was with kids my own age because I just didn’t “get” them.

Tne negatives? I never learned how to negotiate, nor how to truly share. I was quite overprotected. I also never quite learned how to stand on my own two feet, so to speak. because, in my parents’ eyes, I was, and would always be, the baby. I’ve been struggling with all three, plus a few others I’m sure you can think of, most of my life.

For those who spoke of the time when their parent(s) grow older: I’m right there right now. My mother has dementia and Parkinson’s, and, if I wasn’t married, I have no idea what I’d do. We have a tiny family and I’m not close to my cousins (onlies also), so it’s not as though I could ask them. What happens when I grow older? Outside of my husband, there’ll be nobody who knows my early history. That deeply saddens me.

32

I don’t think I missed having siblings when I was a child. Now that I am in my mid-twenties, I am beginning to wonder what it would have been like to have another family member–another person who sort of looks like me and came from the same place. Given how introverted my parents and I are, it would definitely have widened the social milieu, if they had had another child.

But I don’t really pine for a sibling, no. I think that there are many benefits to being the only one–attention, money, space.

33

I got thru both of my parent’s deaths sober. Thanks to my wonderful recovering “family” in AA and NA, etc. My folks died rather young, mom at age 62, dad a few years later just having turned 63. One sudden and unexpected, the other long and drawn out and horrible. Thanks to a wonderful wife who was almost as close to my folks as I was, and to my recovering friends, the loss became an experience which made me more secure in my sobriety.

At any rate, being the only one left me as the Mercotan! An undisputed legacy of power and privilege (and responsibility, dammit) that I didn’t have to slay or subdue any sibs to achieve. :cool:

34

I can’t remember a time where I wished for a sibling. Guess I was just kind of used to the status quo.

Maybe I’d want a sibling–if I could audition 'em first. :slight_smile:

I was also overprotected. Other kids had more freedom than I did. Maybe that’s why I rebelled to a greater degree when the time came.

I never had any make believe friends, though.

35

Yep, that’s me, only worse. I’ve posted about it before: sisters twelve and seventeen when I was born. Effectively an only for most of the time, but I managed to get the worst of both worlds. I would have killed for a sibling close to my age, and did manage to make up some of the difference with my niece, but given the “shut up; we’re drinking” treatment I got from my mom and adult sister when she visited, I think being a straight-up only would have been better. Loneliness sucks, but not as hard as being a pariah in your own family.

36

[QUOTE=Stainz]
When you were growing up, did you wish for a sibling?/quote]
Yes.

Yes*

YES, I feel like I missed out.

My husband and I are both only children (except see note below). One thing we agreed on was that we would have either NO children or more than one.

However, we both grew up with single parents, too.

Our children have no aunts or uncles…no cousins. Only two grandparents to start with (and both of them nuts). Not a lot of family connection. I also never had a mother-in-law, and he didn’t have a father-in-law, so the jokes don’t make a lot of sense to us. Not that I’ve ever heard a father-in-law joke now that I think of it…

*However, I was adopted. Recently I have discovered siblings. I still feel like I missed out but I have them now and we are having a good time figuring out how we all grew up together apart. And my husband is a little jealous.

It is hard to get used to the idea that I’m an aunt. Although I am an aunt to young adults, not kids–so I think I’ve missed the fun part of aunthood, too.

37

My husband is the eldest of 6, and we’re the only ones who haven’t been spawning like salmon. At last count we have 15 nieces and nephews, soon to be 17.

It’s weird being an aunt, even through marriage. Even though the majority of the sibs and their families live in the general area, we hardly ever see them except for the obligatory birthday/holiday celebrations – the former, of which there are so many I can’t keep track. I don’t do well in crowds to begin with. More than 3-4 people at the dinner table makes me queasy. Put me in a room full of shrieking kids, beaming parents, and doting grandparents, and I just want to hide somewhere.

My mom never once drummed into my head I should get married, but she’d say that if I ever did, “make sure you marry into a big family because it’s the only way you’ll ever have an actual family.” She was right, in a sense. I just don’t feel like I totally belong 100%. Knowing my in-laws, not having kids is probably why.

38

No.
No.
Perfectly happy. I don’t even know that many people who are close to their siblings. My mom doesn’t like hers very much and I don’t blame her. I like being able to choose my family - have lots of friends who are “honorary” sisters, etc. I’m a psychologist and it seems to me that the whole must-have-sibs-to-be-well-adjusted thing is a bunch of hooey made up by…people with siblings. :smiley: (“I always wanted to be an only child, but there’s got to be a downside to it, right? RIGHT?!”)

39

Yes, all the time.

Yes.

Yes, I do think I’ve missed out but it may not have been as wonderful to have siblings as I have imagined.

40

I second that. I have no relatives apart from my sons, who are adult and getting on with their lives (as they should) and my husband.