Open letter to my fellow students (long)

I’m considering getting this rant published in my college’s paper, just because I can’t take the absurdity (read: dumbfuckery) of my fellow undergrads anymore. For now, I offer it up to the Dope:

An open letter to the Students:

Greetings, fellow brothers and sisters! It has dawned on me recently that I am about to graduate, leave this pristine atmosphere of academia and Polo shirts, and enter into what we fondly refer to as “the real world.” It is a terrifying prospect, I’ll admit. I know little to nothing about taxes, homeowners’ insurance, office politics, or salaried job positions. I have been blessed with a dear family which has supported me, both financially and emotionally, shielding me from the harsher realities of hunger, poverty, abuse, and other painful experiences that are all too real for many citizens of this planet. I know that I am a lucky, lucky son of a gun (speaking metaphorically – I am, after all, a “chick” ), but I don’t take any of what has been given to me for granted. To show my appreciation, I work hard, both in school and at my part-time job – you may have seen me at an on-campus coffee shop – supporting myself where I can and lessening the burden on my wonderful parents. I know that this is also true of many of you, dear readers, who have diligently struggled through high school and college and are thankful for the opportunity to do so. To those of you who fall into this category, to the many grateful, polite, and generally upstanding individuals in this community, I invite you to stop reading now. The rest of this letter probably does not pertain to you.

To the rest of you spoiled, selfish, greedy, superficial, lazy, thugs – read on. I have a few points that have been bubbling inside my head for awhile, stewing away without the proper outlet. In discussing this letter with others, I have found that I am not the only person who feels the way that I do on these specifics:

**1) Breaking stuff that isn’t yours ** – stop it. Stop throwing benches/chairs/tables/potted plants off of balconies, you ridiculous children. I don’t care that you were drunk. I don’t care that it made your frat buddies laugh. You’re not cool. If your prepubescent brain gets off on seeing stuff bust into a million pieces, make sure it’s your own stuff. Toss your Playstation off a balcony – how hilarious. Seriously, this is something that you should have learned in kindergarten. If you think that you’re a rebel, guess what? You’re not. Real rebellion takes thought and effort; your actions lack both, you small, pathetic jerks. Stop huffing the paint thinners and get a life.
**2) Stealing stuff that isn’t yours ** – again, stop it. My guess is that the people who are going around stealing things (like the Red Bull refrigerator from a certain coffee shop) are actually not the students with no money. My guess is that you little thieves are spoiled, rich brats, sucking mommy and daddy dry, and stealing only because you’ve learned to expect everything to go your way. There is no excuse for this behavior. Yes, I know that this school marks up everything from pencils to tortilla chips – it’s still not a good excuse for theft, you loathsome morons. Let me make my point clear: if it’s not yours, don’t take it.
**3) Being rude to university employees ** – are you kidding me? You still haven’t learned to say “please” or “thank you”? You still haven’t learned not to make a mess without cleaning it up, just because you expect housekeeping to do it for you? Here’s a few tips – be polite to the person making your food, or repairing your commons room light fixture, or unclogging your toilet. Hang up the cell phone before you order your next double tall non-fat mocha latte (p.s. it’s rude to the other person on the line, too). Be courteous and kind. Smile, for pity’s sake. Yes, I realize that you’re a very busy person with an Orgo exam and an Abercrombie sale to get to. You should realize that the people who are serving you make a pittance, and we don’t deserve to be treated like garbage. If you have never worked a service job, I’d highly recommend it – I know that you don’t like to get your hands dirty, but it makes for good manners later on.
**4) Cheating ** – yeah, yeah. I’m sure it never goes on, right? I’m not going to give you any of the clichéd reasons against cheating, i.e. “you’re only cheating yourself” or “you’ll never learn anything that way”. Cheating is wrong, plain and simple. You’re disgracing yourself by passing off intellectual material that isn’t yours, and you’re insulting the students who make their good grades legitimately. Do the work, you cowards. Fail on your own. At least you’d still have your dignity. The time you spend on perfecting your beer pong skills could be better spent on writing that paper you’ve been neglecting.
**5) Wearing UGG’s ** – okay, this one’s petty. But really, women – the cheapest pair of Ugg boots that I could find online was $60. Most of them were in the $120-$140 range. Look, I don’t have a problem with people wearing what they want, even if it’s an ugly pair of boots. But get real – go to Payless or a thrift store and find an ugly pair of boots that’s NOT name-brand collective gasp, and it’ll cost you $40, tops. Stop wasting your money on fads you’ll regret later on. Are you so desperate for attention and self-worth that name-brand fashion is what gives you happiness? God, I hope not, or we’re doomed. Why don’t you wear a corset while you’re at it? You may not be able to breathe, but you’ll look thinner. I hear female genital mutilation is all the rage in some parts of the world, too…you may want to look into that, sister.
**6) Treating women like 1950’s housewives ** – I see this at work all the time, and it really saddens me. Men, c’mon. Let your girlfriends order their own food, maybe even pay for it once in awhile. I hate this so-called chivalrous crap for two reasons: 1) it slows up the line when I’m trying to get an order from some chick who’s ordering through her boyfriend, and 2) Female students generally have a meal plan too! I have also seen men cringe with embarrassment when their girlfriend tries to pay for them. Kudos, men. If you let your chattel pay for you, what’s next? Will they want equal pay in the workforce? To get out of the kitchen once in awhile? We can’t have that, now can we?
**7) Pretending to know more about politics than you actually do. ** Watching ‘The Daily Show’ on a regular basis does not make you an expert on the war in Iraq. Blaming George W. Bush on every problem in the world may make you a hero in some circles, but it does not make you a political genius. I know practically nothing about politics, to tell the truth. Right now, I’d describe my political affiliation as “Disheartened.” But I know enough to admit that I don’t know enough. Follow me? Stop pretending to be some politically intelligent guru just because you read ‘The Independent’ or ‘National Review’ every once in awhile. Because, unless you pour practically all your time into reading both liberal and conservative sources, weighing all the jargon, propaganda, and news and making an informed decision, you ain’t got jack.
**8) Forgetting how lucky you are ** – This is essentially the meat of the whole letter, so if you’ve skipped down, make sure to read this part carefully. You’re at a world-renowned university, studying under some of the most gifted professors in the country. You have shelter. You have food. You have opportunities the rest of the 6 billion souls on the planet would love to have. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity and self-absorption. Let the scales fall from your eyes, and work at being decent citizens. I’m sure I’m going to be accused of going on some kind of self-righteous, condescending rant here. But believe me, I’m know I’m not perfect. I have been known to be hypocritical, self-centered, and even childish at times. I’ve been a fool. But the points outlined in this letter should be basic knowledge to college-age adults, understand? Re/learn how lucky you are, and be grateful, if nothing else. Good day to you.

Your very own bitch with an axe to grind

Your college is lucky to have you, and only you, as a shining pillar of virture to stand against this sea of “dumbfuckery.”

Thank you so much! I see this crap all the time here at the University of Louisville. It makes me sick. Your post seems to be good fodder for the bulletin board in the hall.

(my first post. Yay!)

You’ve certainly have an axe to grind against rich folks, eh?

Anyway, cheating takes balls so don’t call them cowards. That isn’t right.

I second every single one of those statements, except for the 50’s housewife one. My boyfriend has the decently to be quite happy when I pay for both of our coffee’s, or treat him out to dinner. And, I order for myself, unlike many of the spineless princesses prancing around my campus.

Not quite, and I’m sorry if it reads that way. (Needs some editing, I suppose.) I have a problem with college kids who have no concept of money or what it means to earn it, who burn through it without a second thought, and who have no respect for people outside the white-collar or academic worlds. But I believe you can be wealthy and a perfectly gracious, considerate human being. You can also be poor and obnoxious.

Like I said, my point about the UGG boots was fairly petty. But everything else pretty much stands.

Excellent rant. It easily could have been written fifteen to twenty years ago when I was in college.

No its’ not. UGG makers and wearers need to be shamed to death. Same goes for collar poppers.

Paying for a woman I can see, but people actually order for their dates? Really? Wow.

[Palooka]Anyway, cheating takes balls so don’t call them cowards. That isn’t right.

:confused: You’re serious?

Why not? They’re usually the ones with the sense of entitlement.

I had a hip, college-age waitress give me the most withering look the other night when my husband and I ate at a hip restaurant. We were going to a concert and it was the only place around to eat. My husband ordered for me, and I could feel the contempt radiating from the girl.

Thing is, I’d had oral surgury a few weeks before, and when I try to talk, it comes out mumbly and hard to understand. My husband understands me just fine, and he’s not weirded out when I try to speak. I’ve spent weeks not talking to a soul outside the house, except for him. When we’re out to eat I look at a menu, figure out what I can and can’t eat, then tell him what I want. He orders for both of us. I guess the point is you never know what’s behind someone’s motivation in certain areas. We almost didn’t give a tip because of her rudeness, but since she didn’t actually say anything, and the service was otherwise decent, we did tip her, though I felt like going up to her and opening my mouth and gurgling “thee, I cannnt tak” to her. Bitch.

I loved the OP, it’s wonderful, but maybe point #6 could use a re-think. It reminds me of rude women who snap at men who try to hold a door open for them.

And YOU - yes you there with the chili fries and the Reheated Asian Plate of Death - what the everloving fuck are you doing eating that in a crowded lecture hall?! There are times and places for engorging yourself on that smelly-assed food - ‘lunch time’ and ‘outdoors’ are two such examples.

The next time some pompous ass decides to assault my senses with their 3-course meal in class, I swear I’m going to make spitballs all the rage again…

This one’s weird. UGG boots are so 2000-'01. People still wear them? They’re mostly for women? I thought they were unisex.

This surprises me. Guys still order for women and women still let them? In a cafeteria line? How stupid. I can see going on a nice date at a nice restaurant and you’ve gotten a clue from your female date that she’s in the mood to be treated like a lady, and you’re in the mood to be a gentleman. Then you listen to her desires, memorize them and repeat her wishes to the waiter.

But in a cafeteria line? :rolleyes:

Point taken. But where I work, I honestly have guys turn to their dates/girlfriends and ask (right in front of me), “What do you want?” and then repeat the same information I just heard coming from the woman’s mouth. Since I work at a hoity-toity coffee place, I usually have to ask at least three follow-up questions (another rant, another time) - 1) What size?, 2) What kind of milk? and 3) Would you like whipped cream on that? - and it gets frustrating if the chick has turned and walked away because her boyfriend has “taken care of it”.

The men-paying-for-women thing wouldn’t bother me so much if I ever saw it happen the other way around, because it is sweet to see people pay for their significant other. (Really, I’m a big mushball…) But it rarely happens.

This was a really excellent rant, and I feel that it should be published in my school newspaper, the Colorado Daily.

Unfortunately, naturally because I’m a college student and what-not, I’ll be submitting this work as my own, again stealing from the rightful author. I’ll be sure to mail you a copy from the stands. You won’t get the credit, but I imagine that you’ll get some satisfaction from extending its distribution.


Marvelous OP. In college I worked in a combined writing center/computer-lab, and often guys working on papers would have their girlfriends come ask me their questions. Questions would often come garbled to me and I have no doubt that answers went back garbled. Somewhat disinterested girls would come to me for tutoring advice, not listen to what I have to say, and then the same essay would come back to me a few days later handled by the male half demanding to know why he’d gotten such a bad grade since “my girl” had come for help earlier in the week.

I hate people.

That’s really really sad. Are you sure they’re not test subjects from the research labs?

Mrs Polekitty and I swap payment responsibilites wildly. She pays for me sometimes, I pay for her, sometimes we combine… But I have only ordered for her when she has been physically unable to do so, i.e. not present.

I often have my boyfriend order for me because I’m shy. It’s not like I couldn’t order for myself, but if I’m eating out I’m often looking to relax a bit, and getting a smidge of anxiety right before I eat isn’t all that easy on the stomach.

That, and I am a natural ball-buster, so sometimes I have him order in order to avoid the urge to jump in there and order for both of us. Tends to happen when we’re eating at some ethnic restaurant where I’m more familiar with the cuisine than he is.

I can’t see doing this while in line, as opposed to sitting down somewhere.


In that they feel entitled to the money they’ve earned.

Most of the truly wealthy have made their millions on their own here in the United States.

The rich trust fund babies on the other hand often do carry around an undeserved sense of entitlement.

Half of the OP’s complaints are about dorm life, which makes sense - dorms are an idiotic, wasteful, counter-productive institution. I think they should be abolished, and students should be forced to rent apartments. Sure, a third of them will be dead (by fire, malnutrition, exposure and dysentry) by the end of the first semester, but hey - that’s Darwin for you.

Yep…sounds like every state college I’ve ever heard of.