The best part of my day was snakes on a plane

The BBQ Pit
1

Well then, I’ve had this bottled up inside me for a tad too long, but a few events today have pushed me over the edge.

Today was the first day of college. Before coming to college, I had hoped it to be a place where people go to learn. But…instead I have found out that it is a place people go when they are done with high school and where they can up their tolerance of alcohol. (I knew this already, just was trying to hold onto that last bit of hope)

Classes today, one at 10 one at 2, no big deal, I can go, I can zone out, act friendly, Ill make out allright.

Come back after the 2 o’clock class and decide to try and start writing a book. I take a notebook and go find a nice tree to sit under. Get half a page writen with plenty more swimming in my head. I then decide to go back to my room and waste time however possible. I look in my mailbox and dicover that there is a package waiting for me. Oh boy, I know what it is. It is a nice fur hat that I ordered off of amazon, A good value at $100

Go to my room, open the door and find my roomate and his ‘girlfriend’ in there. I try to be nice. Put the hat in a drawer, get a good book to read, and say I’ll be back later.
Fine by me, (not that those circumstances would ever happen with me in his shoes), but I’m sure he would do the same.

Okay, now I have a good book (Beyond Armageddon, collection of short post-apocolyptic) and so I go in search of another place to sit on campus. I soon find one. I open the book to where I last left off, but before I get a paragraph read, who should appear but 2 guys and a dog. The guy not holding the fucking leash comes up to me and says

Guy 1: Do you want to see an optical illusion
I: (gives him a stare = to “Are you blind??? Im reading you fucktard”) Suuuure
Guy 1 has two angled pieces of paper and switches them between his hands "Okay, which one is bigger?
I: (trying to get rid of him as soon as possible) That one
Guy 1 then switches them again “How bout now?”
Magically they switch sizes
I: (Wearing a shit eating grin) That one.
Guy 1 does it a few more times wondering why this is not wowing me. He then gives up introduces himself and starts to talk: "You see my friend and I are from Campus Crusade for Christ (or some other FUCKING organization like that.) And that illusion was kindof an icebreaker so we can talk to you about God.

T-H-E-Y A-R-E G-O-I-N-G T-O F-U-C-K-I-N-G P-R-E-A-C-H T-O M-E!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In my mind I must have pictured at least 10 ways to kill them both, and their little dog too. But noooooo, people walking by, escape would be a bitch. They ask me if I have a Christian backround…I reply sorta (dont really care, not paying attention WRONG ANSWER)

They then procede to go through the ten commandments with me, they lighten it up by asking if i have ever killed anyone. (I WILL SOON IF YOU DONT FUCKING GO AWAY) And then they ask me if I have ever stolen anything (eats another stolen olive in his dorm room with 2 stolen pens in his pocket, $175 stolen shoes in the closet, 6 stolen books in the bookcase, and 4 stolen DVD’s lying about.) “No”

(CAN YOU NOT SEE/HEAR MY THUMB TAPPING LOUDLY ON MY BOOK???)

Guy 1: Do you know how God showed us he loves us???

(IF THE ANSWER IS FUCKING JESUS, I WILL SHOVE MY BOOK DOWN YOUR THROAT)

I: (timidly) jesus???

Guy 1: That’s right

.

.

.

.

Guy 1: Is your forehead throbbing???
I: (brushes hair over forehead) 'tis nothing
Guy 1: Okaaaaay, … you know that there are those that are going to hell and those that go to heaven, and you can’t get into heaven without belief in jesus.
Guy 2: That’s right
Guy 1: Now it appears that your whole head is throbbing, hmmm must be the light

Much more bullshit like that goes on and they f i n a l l y f u c k i n g l e a v e

Allright, the worst is over. I read a few stories and decide to head back to my dorm. Get in the elevator, go up 8 stories, put my ear to my door, hear nothing at first, then softly I hear a girl’s voice say “oh”

GODDAMNIT, THEY ARE FUCKING FUCKING IN THERE, ITS MY ROOM GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM.

Alas, I take my book, travel back down 8 stories, and then, a stroke of genius, snakes on a plane. Havent seen it yet, have wanted to, there’s a thearter less then 3 minutes walking distance, SALVATION.

It was currently 9, movie started at 940, no biggie, I’ll wander around campus, find something to eat. Walked down to a store, stole the aforementioned olives and some chocolate milk, headed back to the thearter. Timed my pace so I arrived at exactly 940
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950
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10
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FUCKING 1010

go out to the lobby, find a guy

Guy 3: Uhhhhh, I didnt know that we sold a ticket to that show, sorry

And after that, saw snakes on a plane “I have had it with these fucking snakes on this fucking plane, its time to open some windows” then I came back to my dorm, and have recently completed my first pitting.

2

Three things:

  1. I like your hat.

  2. Next time, tell the Jesus guys to fuck off and continue to read your book. Do not engage!!

  3. That sucks about your roommate, but he did think he had a chunk of time and a willing girl alone in his room. You can’t fault him too much. You could either talk to him about setting up some ground rules or give him a little leeway…who knows, you may need him to return the favor at some point.

3

When they guy got out that lame illusion I would have accused him of witchcraft and ran off screaming. Oh yeah… that’s rich.

4

So, I guess you have had it with this muthafuckin bullshit on this muthafuckin campus? :smiley:

Yeah, as was said, just ignore the “Jesus guys” (I like that) and try to come to an accommodation with your roommate, it can be a pain in the ass to change if you just can’t get along.

It will get wor…better.

BTW, what’s the signal these days for the room being “occupied”?

5

You stole olives? That’s a great way to start out. You know there’s a reason why store owners in a college town are often pissy with students, right?

6

You are pissed at your roommate because he got down in your room? Hmm. Maybe you’ll understand when you hit puberty.

My freshman year my roommate bagged more panties than a clerk at Victoria’s Secret. He had a condom dispenser mounted on the wall next to his bed. I learned how to use this to my advantage.

You need to stop focusing on the lemons and learn to make some sex lemonade. Your roommate’s girlfriend has friends. She can introduce you to these people. Then you’ll be the one locking your roommate out of the room.

7

Been there. If fact I was under a tree with a book…maybe that’s it, the combination of tree and knowledge makes them want to save us. As I recall the gist of their argument was “If you were in a head on collision, wouldn’t you want to know you’d be saved?” I still wish I had the presence of mind to say yeah I might very well, I might also wish Superman flew down and saved me from colliding, but strangly enough my wishes have nothing whatever to do with the actual existence of Superman.

As it was they just drove me away from my tree.

8

Just wait till you get the protesters.

9

So just to clarify, you’re a college student with $100 to blow on a hat, who still insists on stealing, but lacks sufficient balls to tell a couple of Jesus freaks to leave you alone. I can only hope that one day you have real problems to compare this day to.

10

Learn to stand up for yourself. That was all I could think reading all of this, if you don’t want to listen to the preaching it would be best for all parties involved to let them know.

Also, I hope you share the room right? One of those two beds in the same room dorm setups?

I understand this is your first day, but use your time at college not only as an opportunity for furthering your education, but also how to handle situations that are disagreeable to you in a humble yet sturdy manner. I assure you, they will continue to pop up throughtout your college experience, and will most likely be harder to manage than this one.

11

Actually you come off as quite the asshole.

Get the fuck over yourself.

And stop stealing.

12

Wow, I wish I had $100 to blow on a hat. And I’m a university graduate working a full-time, salaried job.

How depressing.

13

You are seriously a Grade A asshole. Good luck with life. You’ll probably make it big in politics or corporate management.

14

Let me get this straight-you brag about spending 100 bucks on a hat (a FUR hat, at that-ew), yet you frequently steal pens, shoes, food, etc. And you want US to feel sorry for you because you don’t have the balls to stand up to your roommate and tell him that it’s your room too; or tell off some campus crusaders?

Yeah, karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

15

…

16

The 11th commandment is that if your roommate needs privacy for the occasional romp, you give it without hard feelings. You can not expect him to be celibate because his roommate is a sullen loner.

Put down the Apocalyptic tales, and go make a friend. You are in for a long, hard year if you don’t.

17

As I have often said to the spoiled entitlement-whore college kids with too much disposable income that once attended the classes I taught: Awwwwww… muffin…

Honestly, dude, go out there and make some friends. Otherwise, this semester is going to blow monkey chunks. You might also want to leave the huge-ass chip (the one that lives on your shoulder, like a pirate’s parrot) at home.

18

Before we drag out the rope, lets hear back from the OP.

This is a bit troubling. Its one thing to grab some stuff from the all you can eat buffets in the dining hall and take it for later, but stealing shoes and DVDs seems kinda fucked up.

You and your roommate are going to have to come to an accomodation. Let him know when you won’t be in and when you will be back. That way, he can use it as bang time. The time will come where he’ll return the favor.

Your mistake with the campus preachers was engaging them. You have several options. One of my college friends options was engaging them. He could sit there and argue with them for hours. Eventually, they gave up on him and left him alone. My option was to tell them, I’m not interested and tune them out. Headphones help for this. Another option is to answer them but sarcastically. For each question, they asked you, answer Elvis. It tends to derail things as they know that you don’t take them seriously. It does however require engaging them which wastes your time.

I don’t see the big deal in spending a hundred bucks on a hat. Yeah, if he is stealing, it shows all sorts of fucked up priorities, but if there is a good explanation for the items then who cares about the hat. If he is in Montana, it will keep him warm. A hat like that will probably last for quite a few years.

19

Ah. . .autumn. . . college is in session and the scent of entitled, coddled wussies who actually have to let go of the apron for the first time in their life fills the air.

20
  1. Stop stealing.
  2. Go buy an airhorn. After your roomie has had a couple of hours with his babe, walk right in blowing the airhorn to announce your presence. Believe me, he will appreciate the warning.