I once had rugburn that actually bled down my back. I didn’t notice at the time because I was drunk. It ended up forming a large, perfectly round scab on every single vertebrae. It had just started to heal when one day my mom saw me getting into the shower and asked me what it was. What else could it have been? My poor mom. I was only 15.
Yeah… my penis missed when in the middle of thrusting and I caught it on a loose thread still connected at both ends to the couch. Tore it up under the foreskin. Ouch
Ivar: Thanks for the twitching leg-cross. Yeow.
Most painful thing that happened to me during sex (that I remember, anyway)… let’s see…
Once, with a former gf, she and I broke her bed. Snapped in the middle and slammed to the ground. Whence the pain? The headboard folded in and down and clocked me right on top of the head as we landed. Bonk! Saw stars and went almost instantly soft. She thought it was hilarious. Days later, I finally agreed.
Giving a BJ while pulling down on foreskin: ripped completely through his frenulum! Yipe!
Cecil had a nice, happy column on the subject:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_426.html
Hehe. I’d like to give a great “Ha ha” and an “Oh my God that’s terrible” out to whoever this has happened to.
Gods, this was almost 10 years ago… I still have it burned into my memory like it were yesterday.
I was 14. My best friend was 2 years older, and some of his friends had run away from home and set up a tent in the woods near our house.
Being the sort that likes to bring presents to new neighbors, I nicked some booze from my dad’s liquor cabinet. To keep him from noticing that anything was gone, I just took a little from each bottle and mixed it. In retrospect, I imagine it must have been horrible, but at the time, I didn’t drink any. We took the bottle of firewater down to the woods and went to see our guests.
When we got there, the two guys were sitting and reading a porno, and the girl was fast asleep. Evidently, they had been up drinking most of the past week, and all were still a little tipsy. The guys were chortling over the porno, but stopped when they saw the purloined hooch. My friend introduced me, and they grabbed the bottle and started drinking.
As if awakened by a powerful force, the girl stirred and started reaching for the bottle. She came to a slurred sort of conciousness, and then grabbed the bottle away and chugged the remains. She asked who had brought the booze, and the guys sorta nodded at me. A drunk grin crossed her face, and she crawled over to me. “I’ll have to give you a gift in return”, she said.
The next thing I know, the girl is going for my belt buckle. She had my belt off and my pants down before I could protest, and starts giving me the first blow job of my life. I was paralyzed, not having expected this in the least. She did her thing for about 30 seconds, and then…
…she bit.
Hard.
Like a pit bull locked onto a burgler’s leg, she clamped on to my underaged love baton and wouldn’t let go. It took what seemed like a year to realize the pain wasn’t going to end without intervention, so I wildly trust my thumbs into her mouth like a horses bit, and she finally let go.
She sat there, grinning stupidly at me. I was too busy doubling over in pain to really notice though. I gingerly pulled my pants up and tried to make excuses and leave. She said “Awww… let me kiss and make better…”
I don’t remember exactly, but my friend says I slapped her as she tried to get close. Then I ran for it.
I peed a little red that day, but there was no way I was telling anyone of the indignity, so I went without medical attention. It went away after a night’s sleep. To this day, if a partner so much as brushes me with her teeth, I get post-traumatic flashbacks and have to fight the urge to run away crying. It took a long time after that to enjoy blowjobs again.
Well, it took a year after that to convince someone to give me one, at least.
Kinda gives new meaning to your sig, eh MadPoet?
:: running ::
Yer pal,
Satan
[sub]TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Four months, one week, 21 hours, 49 minutes and 44 seconds.
5196 cigarettes not smoked, saving $649.55.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 4 days, 1 hour, 0 minutes.[/sub]
"Satan is not an unattractive person."-Drain Bead
[sub]Thanks for the ringing endorsement, honey!*[/sub]
Madpoet, with all due symptathies to the little Madpoet, that was freaking hysterical.
I hope that the horrible pain, humiliation, and damage to your adolecent psyche and libedo was somehow made worthwhile by the fact you were able to entertain a stranger on a message board.
It’s also a good metaphor for my experience with gender relationships, but that’s not so much funny as pathetic.
–
“Uncle Bobo has to go see Uncle reconstructive urologist.”
WHAT did she break?
(I think this is my 900th post. Good way to spend it, yes?)
Kyla-
Her hymen, silly!
One time with quietgirl I dislocated a finger.
No power on earth will make me elaborate on that one.
See, sex is dangerous! This is why I haven’t done it in something like a year and a half! It’s bad! You guys can go risk your lives if you want, I’ll just be sitting here…safe…all by myself…ummm…::whimper::
The only scar i have from sex is on the middle area of my back, my b/f at the time and i were using an old fold out couch in his lounge room and it had a VERY thin matress…at the time i hadn’t noticed but afterwards in the shower it was stinging like hell…i had no idea what had happened… i later realised their was a bar underneath wear my back was…the worst part was that my mum saw it and asked what it was from…i said “i don’t know” and shoved her away…no more questions
RE: Cecil’s column.
Don’t you just love the phrase “prompt detumescence”? It’s so understated, and yet it rolls off the tongue.