painful sexual mishap

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This just happened a few hours ago. Still putting ice on the injury.

So boyfriend and I were in the bed this morning, starting some nooky. He was on top, kissing my bod, etc. Well, my long hair was trapped under my head and I wanted to free it, because it was uncomfortable, so I had to bring my arms up to lift my upper body up, and I accidentally elbowed Paul in the head. It wasn’t a hard hit (Paul and I are used to taking hits like that, in karate/kickboxing class), but Paul was trying to be funny and put his head down on my chest like I had really clocked him. I, however, did NOT see this funniness since it was still dark in the room, was still trying to lift my head up, and my nose and lip HIT his head. CRUNCH!

Oh my god. That was the hardest i’ve ever been hit in all my life. I think I saw stars! I was stunned for a second. Paul was laughing, because his hard head didn’t feel HOW hard i hit his head, he just thought it was a hilarious slapstick we just performed. But then he noticed I wasn’t laughing, and he turned on the light, and was like “oh shit! Are you ok? I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

I wasn’t mad, it wasn’t his fault. But damn it hurt like a mo-fo. I was just saying “turn out the light!” I didn’t want him to see me silently crying and my lip getting fat.

After the pain subsided after a few minutes, we laughed hysterically. We were able to pleasurably proceed with the, uh, proceedings. But my left upper lip is huge and I’ve been icing it since I have to go to work tonight.

I showed up at work often during the past with bruises on my arms from karate class (not so much now that I’ve learned how to block well), and my co-workers often joked that they were going to kick my boyfriend’s ass for beating me. I might have a hard time convincing them that it was also an accident this time. But once I tell 'em it was a sexual mishap, they’ll probably say “Oh Lorie, that sounds just like something you’d do”.

Sigh.

2

well Lorie, I certainly don’t mean to laugh at your pain, but that would make a great short sequence in a Zucker Bros. movie with Leslie Nielson.

3

oops. That last post was from me. I was accidentally still logged in under my friend’s username whom I just registered here.

Well, Slip, I guess now you’re up to 2 posts. Next time you’re on your own.

4

OK, first off, despite the similarities in our stories, I did not have sexual relations with LaurieSmurf.

Last Wednesday, I was having sex with my girlfriend, who is not LaurieSmurf, doogie-style. Just at the moment I start my orgasm, I’m bent forward over her and she thrashes her head back, catching me square on the nose. It hurt like a motherfucker, but keep in mind this happened right in the middle of my orgasm, so I’m ejaculating and screaming in pain at the same time! Does this mean I’m likely to develop a punch in the nose fetish where I can’t get off unless my partner whacks me in the nose?

I was afraid it would be broken and I would have two black eyes and a lot of ‘splainin’ to do the next day, but fortunately my nose is made of sterner stuff.

Wow, that was way TMI.

5

I’ve had similar mishaps in the past but as for nosy coworkers, my old friend Alexia had the best story. SHe workedas an ICU nurse here in Chicago and also played hockey in our local pick up games. She was good, really good and didn’t really get any slack just cuz she was a gurl:)

She comes in to practice one night crying with laughter. Apparently she was in the locker room at work changin into scrubs for the days work when a woman walks up to her and discreetly hands hera card for a Womens shelter and some platitudes about how it’s “not her fault” and the like. Alexia is trying to keep a straight face and responded “But it was! I totally stole the puck and checked Sean and he was just trying to get it back! I play hockey…with guys”

The woman doesn’t buy it for a second and just pats her on the shoulder and tells her that they are there for her when she needs them.

6

You could also tell everyone that you got it at kickboxing and not have to deal with them.

7

Reminds me of the time I cracked my head in the celing fan of my then girlfriend’s (now wife) bedroom. Hooo boy, I still have a scar on my forehead from that.

8

I found myself in the arms of my lover, with whom I had not been connubial for months. Both of us were highly wound up, and within moments, I found myself kneeling behind her ( she and I were both fond of that particular method of intercourse ), and …slid into her. Too deeply.

One throat-tearing scream, as I hit her cervix. It was a very subdued visit, all talk, copious apologies and a departure that involved walking slowly. I’m not any bigger than average, it was just a bad angle, with sad results.

She said she was sore inside for almost a week.

:frowning:

Cartooniverse

9

In my experience there’s nothing worse (for all involved) than when the man draws back a smidge too far and rams into the “taint” on the downstroke. Then it’s all over except for the crying.

10

I’ve got to know. What sexual position involves placing your head into the path of a revolving ceiling fan? My version of the kama sutra must be missing that page. :slight_smile:

11

…“doogie-style?” :confused:

Is this pertaining to the old “Doogie Howser” TV series, or is this a whole new permutation of which I am completely unaware?

Do tell.

:smiley:

12

Happened to me once. Had to visit a hospital emergency room a few hours later because I couldn’t pee from of the swelling, Mr. Winky looked like a purple baseball. It took lots of ice to reduce the swelling and a year for the purple to finally go away.

13

Ladies and gentlemen, this may probably be the first ever documented Reverse Donkeypunch. It’s history, I tells ya. History.

I call Purple Penis!

OK, drive-by all done. I go 'way now.

14

Women on her side, man kneels straddling her lower leg with her upper leg thrown over his shoulder. Shown on “Sex and the City” when Samantha had sex with a dude named Doug.

Okay, I’m kidding. Well, about his name being Doug, at least.

15

In the original “Funny things said during sex” thread, I contributed “Nothing, unless ‘Fuck, you broke my nose!’ is funny.”

A former girlfriend was astride me and just as she started her orgasm she tipped forward to kiss me. I was starting mine as well and raised up off the bed.

CRACK! My forehead to her nose.

Much, much, much, much blood. A broken nose. A big knot on my forehead. Hilarity ensued at the emergency room. End of relationship not long after.

16

Years ago, my ex had this happen:

They were in the living room, doin’ the deed on the couch. It’s night and the lights are out. My ex gets up afterward and mis-steps in the dark and lands on the glass coffee table. Fortunately, the glass breaks out under him and he didn’t fall through the frame of the table and into the shards. :eek:

17

Heh. Amateurs. When your unconscious body is hauled from your girlfriend’s dorm in an ambulance, come talk to me. :slight_smile:

18

OMG, I never heard anyone use that word other than my SO! I had no idea what he was talking about until it happened to me. Tears? Ooohhh, buckets baby! I must be so sheltered or something! :smiley:

19

I remember there was this time I was having sex. Yeah, and I was moving really fast, and she was moving really fast, and we were yelling stuff like “uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, UHHHHH!” And then, she like grabbed me by the ears and yelled real loud, which hurt my ears in, y’know, two ways, 'coz fer one thing she was yelling and it was loud, and another because she pulled on them. Well, anyway, it hurt, and the pain got me outta my rhythm, and I lost a perfectly good boner. So I kinda rolled over and waited ‘till I was sportin’ some wood again, but she said “no way” because now she was dried out and a little sore. Plus, she came already and was sorta wiped at that point from all the activity. I asked her if she’d blow me instead, but she said “no, I’ll do it tomorrow” and went to sleep. She never did blow me the next night.

Man, was I bummed.

20

Okay, this is the SECOND time today I’ve fallen off the chair laughing hysterically. Beats any of my stories all to hell!